Closure

[piratelady]

My therapist told me that once I severed the last tie with my abusive ex-husband I would find closure and with that I would be able to resolve the abuse and process the trauma fully. The last tie I had was the house we owned together when we were married. I wasn't on the loan, just the deed (for estate planning purposes).

The divorce decree stated that my name was to be taken off the deed so he would be sole owner. I've been trying and trying to get this done and he won't respond to me. I had the quit-claim deed created, signed it, and gave it to him to sign and file. He wouldn't do it. Eventually, he quit even returning my texts. I kept trying to contact him to get this done and nothing.

Well, on Sunday I got a text from him asking me some random question about a dumb anime. Like I give a flying rats ass about f*cking anime, all I care about is the house and getting my name off of it! I thought perhaps I was getting worked up for nothing, so I looked on the county website to see if he filed it. Well he didn't, instead it's being foreclosed on.

I sought legal advice and it appears the foreclosure won't negatively impact me, since I wasn't on the loan. So, in a way, it's a good thing. I no longer need to be in contact with him to remove my name from the deed. In a way, I have the closure I was seeking. Do I feel better? No. I almost feel worse. I feel like in the end, he continued to hold the control. I never win against him. He always gets what he wants. I just feel..horrible about all of it.

I was finally feeling like I put my bad marriage behind me. Now it's just right there again, with all the bad feelings, and the bad PTSD symptoms, and a side of anger. I thought "closure" was supposed to make me feel better...it appears my therapist and I were mistaken.

 

[kahlan]

From an outside angle, while holding out he screwed himself. Maybe focusing on the fact his credit is going to take a hit abd yours is safe is a starting point? Also one less thing to have to even attempt contacting him over. I know my view probably isn't worth much on this, but I'm looking at it from the perspective of he tried to maintain one last bit of power and because he screwed up he lost it AND has to deal with the forclosure by himself! I do hope you really can begin to heal :)

 

[DMerish]

Piratelady,

Have all the financial things been worked out between the two of you, and only filing of the Quit Claim Deed remains? In other words, the financial agreement wasn't/isn't dependant on the sale of the house is/was it?

 

[piratelady]

@DMerish yes, everything else has been worked out and the Quit Claim was the last thing nothing was dependant on the sale of the house. The house was to go to him, I was just supposed to be removed from the deed. That's why my therapist thought that settling it would provide closure.

Kahlan, thank you. Logically I can see what you're saying and I've tried to tell myself the same things. I just don't feel it though. I just feel...well, I'm not sure. But it doesn't feel good.

 

[DMerish]

P-Lady,

Oh, I was glad to read your response!

Typically, the recipient of a Quit Claim Deed files it and pays the fee (because it's in their interest to do so). But the recipient may have cause to hold on to it - perhaps to try and sell it for cash. The tricky thing is that most mortgage loans contain a due on transfer clause. Meaning, the financial institution has the right upon transfer of the deed, or any part of it, to call in the loan in full upon execution of transfer - even if all payments had been formally made on time. Thus, the possible reason for your ex not filing and the possibility that your ex didn't file for reasons of trying to control you. Do you get it? If everything else was worked out (you've gotten your funds, or will do so by means other than through the value in the house), you are done!

I think though, that sometimes when "done" is actually really done and over, sometimes all those icky feelings are revisited like a big BOOM! It's over! And not all parts are joyous. I hope that made sense.

Drew :hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm so glad you were not on that loan and you are rid of this man.

I'm not sure why your therapist would think a legal maneuver would sort of dissolve the trauma since trauma is inside our brains.

But thank goodness you are physically free of this guy. Certainly not having to have communication with him is a good thing. Perhaps your energy was focused on doing this thing, and once it was over - the emotional impact of your experience has come up to the top to be dealt with next.

 

[Hashi]

I see this in a similar way to kahlan. To me, it sounds like he was still trying to control you by not filing the paperwork, but he ended up losing the house and damaging his credit rating, and at the same time he couldn't deal with a piece of a paper. A piece of paper that represented you moving on and getting your life together, while he couldn't.

I understand how hard it is to feel closure without a clear "win" of some kind. I think the nature of abusive relationships is such that winning means being free of the person. It's separate from the material situation. In fact, I think it has to be, because otherwise we'd feel that in the end healing meant getting the better of someone rather than releasing ourselves from their power over us.

It's like when children get infuriated if they have some sort of advantage over another child (sweets/candy, knowing a secret etc) and the other child is supposed to mind but doesn't care. It's exasperating because the child with the advantage doesn't have the advantage after all. The power isn't decided by the situation, but by who is the least attached to it.

Obviously, an abusive relationship is much bigger and more serious than that example, but I think the basic human nature is the same. In the end what he wanted wasn't your name on the deed. He wanted you to still be caught up in his power games.

I don't think cutting all ties brings immediate emotional closure, but I do think it's an important part of it. Where you "win" is that it's a huge step in taking your focus away from him. Regardless of how it happened in the end, you were still addressing it - you didn't shrink from dealing with this yourself. Now you're free of a major way in which he could still hook you in to what he was doing and thinking. In that sense, it might not feel like complete closure but could you see it as a milestone?

 

[piratelady]

Thus, the possible reason for your ex not filing and the possibility that your ex didn't file for reasons of trying to control you.

Honestly, I don't think my ex knows enough about mortgages to know that.

I think though, that sometimes when "done" is actually really done and over, sometimes all those icky feelings are revisited like a big BOOM! It's over! And not all parts are joyous.

I think perhaps that is what is going on here. It's definitely not a joyous feeling at the moment. Mostly, it brought back at lot of the feeling from when I was in the marriage - like feeling that I'm a failure, or that I used him and this is his way of paying me back.

I'm not sure why your therapist would think a legal maneuver would sort of dissolve the trauma since trauma is inside our brains.

He didn't think that. I think I didn't explain it well. He more meant that it was the last tie I had with him. That until the deed with the house was resolved, in a way my ex was still a part of my life. By resolving the issue I could start to put the marriage behind me fully - rather than having to continue to deal with my ex and be reminded of him.

Thanks Hashi, I think both you and Kahlan are on the right track. I just can't quite seem to get there yet.

I don't think cutting all ties brings immediate emotional closure, but I do think it's an important part of it.

Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong, in that I expected to feel better immediately. Instead it just brought up a lot of old feelings from my marriage.

In that sense, it might not feel like complete closure but could you see it as a milestone?

I am trying to remember that it is a milestone and not let the bad feelings I feel now drag me down. I guess all of this will just take time.

 

[kahlan]

I guess all of this will just take time. Pirate lady you just said what I was about to! (Quotes and my phone don't get along well, I apoligize)
And Hashi you said what I was thinking almost exactly but didn't have the capcity to verbalize last night :)