General Cold/Distant with me, totally normal and happy with everyone else. Is he being honest?

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

2 weeks ago my SO experienced something that was closely related to his ‘original’ trauma (the event that made him very unwell). He saw something right infront of him that reminded him very closely to what had happened in his past.

These 2 weeks have been hell. I’m the first person he decided to isolate from. With me he is cold and distant and he’s told me a few times how horrible and broken he feels, basically been pouring his heart out. The experience 2 weeks ago has made him very unwell again.

Yet, he goes to work and he’s coping with that. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and a few times he’s been out with some friends whilst talking to me on the phone. I can hear him being absolutely normal and fine, infact making jokes and laughing. Being ‘himself’!

Am I being conned here? I don’t wanna sound disrespectful but it’s raises question marks. He’s pretty much super distant and cold in regards to him and I, but everything else he’s handling well (it seems).
Also I’ve said he is isolating from me, I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks and only spoken to him very few times over the phone and that’s about it.

Thanks very much for all replies x

 

[Kubash16]

Take a look around, especially in the supporters area and you will see this is entirely normal.

I know it sucks. The best way to describe it is for people who don’t mean anything to me I can be fake for a little while. But for people who do mean a lot to me, it’s so much harder. I feel so much more emotional stamina is needed and it’s exhausting and I hide from it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can work when very unwell. I can work while in the mist of an literal break down. I am fine at work because I compartmentalize without even meaning to. It's a skill that my therapist is impressed with. I think I learned how to do this because directly out of my trauma I had to work in order to support myself. I had no other choice. So, I quickly learned how to numb out everything else to just work. But the second I am out of work, reality hits.

And then friends vs SO. I have talked about this before. Your SO is automatically the most stressful realtionship you have. There is nothing either party can do about that. It is just the nature of an intimate relationship.

PTSD stress cup anology. If you haven't read it, read it. I can find the link but its great and right on the mark. PTSD fills the cup up half way or partly automaticlly, on it's own. Therefore, when any stress is added, it overfills faster then for those without PTSD. When the cup is overfilling, we are typically sympthomatic. And we isolate. We typically will isolate from the highest stress first. Which, for him, is you because you are his SO (I am assuming). His friends don't bring on that same stress. So, he is his normal self. It doesn't mean he is faking. It just means his friends don't bring the same stess that you do. But that's not your fault or his fault. It's just the nature of an SO relationship.

Does that make any sense?

 

[Neverthesame]

Here it is.
PTSD Cup Explanation

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Kubash16 and @lostforgottensoul thanks yet again the two for your helpful and informative responses. It makes so much sense when reading it, yet while you’re in the situation and being somewhat shut out it’s not as easy. It’s really comforting to read what you guys are saying so thanks a lot.

He manages well at work just like you’ve mentioned @lostforgottensoul
He can work through the day and I think it’s when he isn’t occupied it’s the worst. One thing about him is that he always NEEDS to be doing something, for him to be feeling better, but not any activity. If he’s having a calm chat with someone over coffee for example it’ll come to the point where he can only do that for so long and then he will have to move and do something that’s more lively and active. He always sort of NEEDS to be entertained in a way where he gets an adrenaline rush, otherwise he starts becoming stressed again.

It’s sad that he’s shutting me out at the moment. I do understand why. I’d like to say him and I have a really great solid friendship, we call eachother best friends which makes me think our relationship wouldn’t stress him out so much. However it’s still a relationship, and we are more than just friends which ofc makes it more intense. He can be shallowly happy with his friends and put up a friend and he can’t really do that with me.

We have gone from seeing eachother every other day, calling eachother a few times a day and speaking over text often to not texting, having one or two phone conversations in the past 2 weeks and not seeing eachother at all.

It’s scary, and I feel afraid.. but what else can I do than to give him space :/

Thanks @Neverthesame for the link! :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He can work through the day and I think it’s when he isn’t occupied it’s the worst. One thing about him is that he always NEEDS to be doing something, for him to be feeling better, but not any activity. If he’s having a calm chat with someone over coffee for example it’ll come to the point where he can only do that for so long and then he will have to move and do something that’s more lively and active. He always sort of NEEDS to be entertained in a way where he gets an adrenaline rush, otherwise he starts becoming stressed again.

This is him distracting. Which is a technuque to function through hard times mentally. Work is one huge distraction for me!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Just spoke to him now.

He told me that he feels a bit better because we haven’t been in contact much, meaning his mind is a bit more relaxed cause he has one less thing to think about. When I asked him to elaborate he said ‘it’s because I don’t owe anything to anyone’

Can someone please explain this to me, cause I found it devastating to know that he feels better without me

 

[Butterfly64]

2 weeks ago my SO experienced something that was closely related to his ‘original’ trauma (the event that made him very unwell). He saw something right infront of him that reminded him very closely to what had happened in his past.

These 2 weeks have been hell. I’m the first person he decided to isolate from. With me he is cold and distant and he’s told me a few times how horrible and broken he feels, basically been pouring his heart out. The experience 2 weeks ago has made him very unwell again.

Yet, he goes to work and he’s coping with that. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and a few times he’s been out with some friends whilst talking to me on the phone. I can hear him being absolutely normal and fine, infact making jokes and laughing. Being ‘himself’!

Am I being conned here? I don’t wanna sound disrespectful but it’s raises question marks. He’s pretty much super distant and cold in regards to him and I, but everything else he’s handling well (it seems).
Also I’ve said he is isolating from me, I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks and only spoken to him very few times over the phone and that’s about it.

Thanks very much for all replies x

It was exactly the same with my ex sufferer! We were involved for two years....he would isolate from me and could see everybody else....be very social with them. At first, I didn’t know his trauma has caused CPSD, but I figured out that he only isolated from me, because he couldn’t handle his feelings for me. Even when he told me about his CPTSD, he would not admit to just isolating from me (that would reveal how much I meant to him....dangerous to admit that). Even though I knew deep down, why he only isolated from me, it still tore me up....I was frustrated like hell.So you have to decide if the isolating is something, you can live with. Does he admit to the fact that he is only isolating from you and why it is only from you?

 

[LuckiLee]

Intimate relationships are stressful. Friends don't require feeeeeelings so they're easier to be around. Have you read about the stress cup here. Great piece of information.

Isolators, isolate.

Welcome.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can someone please explain this to me, cause I found it devastating to know that he feels better without me

Again, SO relationships are the most stressful of all relationships so he is isolating from the highest stress first. The stress cup anology. He is symptomatic so he is getting away from the highest stress first. It's not about you, personally. Stop taking it personal. The most intimate relationships also are the most stressful ones naturally. It is just the way it is. Its not you. Its the relationship.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks for sharing @Butterfly64
So great to know other people’s stories, definitely makes me feel less alone!

It’s not often that he isolates, but I think it really got to him to see a very similar event to what caused his trauma, right infront of his eyes. He’s told me that he’s isolating from me first and foremost because he finds our relationship stressful right now.
Things were going quite well recently, and we were planning our wedding. I think that, coupled with GAD which he already has since he was a teenager, and PTSD has really stressed him out.

He’s told me he is isolating from me first and foremost because our relationship is the hardest, and deepest and because ‘you’re the only one who sees and knows the REAL me’

So yeah right now he isn’t able to maintain our relationship..

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks @LuckiLee and @lostforgottensoul

I will try and not to take it personal, in theory I understand it all. I guess it’s just hard to implement and to detach from my personal feelings. I have however given him loads of space and we only speak when he initiates it.

Just to clarify, for him to say ‘I’ve been feeling better because we are having space, I’ve been feeling more relaxed.’ And him saying ‘I feel like that cause I don’t owe anything to anyone’

For you who are more knowledgeable of PTSD, is what he is saying something you can recognize?