- “Kidnapped”
- Pedophile befriended me
- Pedo choose my sister
- Sister clinically died of alcohol poisoning and hypothermia
- Wasn’t assaulted? But pedo lost her either way.
- No, some assault — sister tried to warn me that Pedo grabbed her butt, she told my mom but my mom said I could still go over if I wanted to. I refused to listen
- Was 10 years old
I just now (a few seconds ago) started a list of traumas in a private diary and this case out. Should I be upset about it? My mom was having chemo, I doubt she was in her right mind.
My dad HATED my sister because she had a different father than me. The pedophile would tell me I was ugly compared to her, definitely a second choice.
Something tells me he could have never gotten as far with my sister as he did with me. My sister was 15, JUST old enough to be mad at the world for all the unfairness.
I hope she never develops PTSD sudddenly.
I wonder if my mom remembers. It feels forbidden to ask, so I won’t. I could never bring that up. My mom makes fun or pushes whenever I try to stop conversations. She regularly brings up things I have no control over and I just try to tune it out or change the subject quickly even if my mind blanks.
Just realized it’s like 1:20 AM, so maybe I shouldn’t be working so hard to figure this out RIGHT NOW.
This house just makes me anxious and I have stuff I need to organize, but distraction before sleep is okay. Healthy in small amounts.
I think proof-reading a sexual scene is a person’s Ch44 brought on the overwhelming feeling, along with suddenly remembering my grandfather is dying horribly slowly, and knew he was. He called me for the first time ever just before it happened. But it was unavoidable. I missed the call. My voicemail was him saying happy Easter (was it 2016, or 2017?) and then saying he would probably be unable to talk to me again for a long time. I imagine him being ready, when they gave him the anesthesia. WWII veteran. Grew up in an orphanage while his sister lived with their mother. Got a note in his 70s-early 80s that was hidden from him by his orphanage-keeper, an apology letter from his mother saying she would explain one day, that he did nothing wrong. He cried. Always had thought his mother didnt love him.
Easy to believe.
I will not be able to visit him before he dies, probably, but he’s my mom’s dad and she can’t visit him either... his wife won’t let him call her usually, he probably can’t. On his birthday, no words. A nurse was neglecting him, putting food in front of him that he couldn’t touch (unable to move) and he could smell it but not eat. Food taken away when he didn’t eat, marked as no appetite. His wife is very low-intelligence and tried to complain, doesn’t seem to understand she can sue for neglect, but she comes in now and feeds him so he doesn’t suffer.
Be abused his kids, but got back in touch with them, ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED. I wish my dad would. He apologized and said he did the best he could, and hoped to be friends with his kids in old age at least. Less than half accepted, he respected it. Called them adults, wished them well.
Confusing. I’ve heard of the violent things he did. Losing his temper often. Yelling often. Supposedly still better than my dad. Must be true — whose abusers here have called and literally apologized for their actions, sincerely? When nothing can be gained anymore? He took my brothers, sister and her fiancé, and I to a pool and beach and told us he hoped our mom was adulting okay.
Life is weird.
The sex scene in the fictional work just kept making me think of Brandi, and I got severely uncomfortable and couldn’t say accurately if it a sexy scene or not. Too disturbed.
@Still Standing Thank you, that helps :) I would hate it if my anger took over me.. I’m a bit frightened of anger. I was surrounded by it. Brandi in particular would say she hated me whenever I did something that made her angry. She treated me like she treated her dog (which wasn’t good).
@Freida Thank you... I’m not fully certain how to respond, because I’m sad for you that you heard or saw similar things. But also I really appreciate you :)
I think for most of the things, I don’t feel guilty. Just, unsure how to categorize it? But I do feel guilty for the cancers, because I felt I should be finding a way to stop it (I had a cancer theory written out with a possible useful hypothesis, but after some research noticed it wouldn’t work the way I intended, long not-as-nerdy-story short — in science/life, failure is constant and nothing can happen without teamwork, even for geniuses, even people like Hawking or Curie).
I do feel guilty for the truck thing? Like I should have shouted? My father had taught me not to flinch, not to move up my hands to brace myself. Brandi tried to teach me self defense because she was shocked that when she hit me “for fun” and I wouldn’t move to defend myself — just stand there. Police officers were spooked by it (supposedly, I sort of doubt they were “spooked” — not like they were hitting me or anything!) in a self defense class. In near-accidents I have had to retrain myself to mention if I see a threat. Usually, I just stared at it though now I’m much better at announcing things. :)
So even if I could have shouted, I doubt I could have. At least I would have hesitated. Also, I doubt a shout would have helped?
My brain says I’m making that memory up. I see people say that a lot on this site, but I have guilty fears that I’ll mislead complete strangers on the Internet, probably because of Brandi being angry and telling me I was a liar and a compulsive psychopathic liar every day. She doesn’t know what a psychopath even is.
Can you believe Brandi wanted to be a psychologist one day?! This is going to sound awful, but I’m glad she wasn’t functional enough to go to college for that! Phew!
So, in MUCH happier news, I’m graduating in three days!!
And I’ve decided to apply to that grad school, and then find out after I know if I’m even accepted, to worry about how to make it work.
Having 17,000+ of student loans makes me very nervous, though. If I become a public school teacher, though, it’ll be forgiven. I should look into my state’s qualifications!
I could also join the military, but they’d look at my service dog and laugh!
I also really do have a room in University dorms for 370 for three months! So that’s awesome! Not sure what to do the last months, but we’ll see I suppose.
Had a fun day of hanging out with mom.
I hope I can get a lisence and a car, soon. No donation cars are available to me at my age (unless I have a kid; I am NOT having a kid right now).
Sweet dreams, y’all
