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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

He can walk now. I was told over and over again by my mom that it wasn’t my fault that he had his femur broken, and he’s good now. If my mom had been allowed to watch us, I bet it wouldn’t have happened at all.

And when he got that growth on his foot, my dad was excited because he thought a rare cancer was going to be named after his kid. He wanted him to die so much.
 
So! I found out that all my classmates have the same anxiety that I do about not being good enough to be an author.

That made me feel a lot better. I still don’t know what NaNoWriMo(? spelling?) is but I’m not a failure unless I fail myself. As in, if I can’t get published, it’s only a failure if I don’t learn from others about why I’m being rejected more than 4578 times. If I get published but the general public ignores it or hates it, then at least I was brave enough to try and it won’t be the end. I can always try again, and if it doesn’t work out, i still tried.

Brandi’s last words to me were a curse that my book would absolutely fail. Pretty weird thing to say! Because even if it does, that shouldn’t be the end of me.
 
My sister wasn’t educated and she doesn’t read. It drives me a bit crazy. I don’t think she’s stupid, not at all, because she’s good at things and not empathetic but at least knows how stuff works especially with money, just... why say with utter confidence that you don’t know what pasteurization means to people who are selling dangerous milk...? That level of ignorance could hurt your kid...
 
Oh! Forgot to mention this. Speaking of my sister.

Her son was playing with a glass cup trying to get a sip of eggnog. He switched over to a full glass of water, and he didn’t expect the weight I guess because he tipped the glass. Water and ice everywhere.

I got instantly nervous because I don’t like seeing kids get punished. It makes me uncomfortable. So I sat there without moving because I was unsure how to respond.

Then my sister didn’t punish him, and it literally hadn’t occured to me that that was a normal response...? She just paused the movie, and had him help with cleaning it up, and he did not react with fear. He remained playful. I asked him to say “sorry momma” and he did with a goofy grin.

I legit thought it was normal to be smacked for making mistakes. Actually, I think it is okay in some cultures?

He was making a lot of banging sounds after that and it made me upset, but unlike my father I smiled at him and didn’t make him feel bad. He’s two. He’s just having fun.

I am not sure if I’m sounding ridiculous or not, lol. Parenting fad? He is her first child...

Man, I’m afraid to have kids. I’m probably going to end up doing something totally weird and being completely unsure if it’s okay.

Not abusive at least, though. I won’t be abusive.
 
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I had fun when I was in public. My mom accidentally dropped my food though when we got home. I prevented myself from having a reaction of any kind because she felt bad already and I didn’t want to overreact. Plus she’s out right now getting new food for me.

Talking about my trauma makes me sound insane. I hate it. It feels like everyone thinks I’m crazy and I should start over.
 
My dog got the rice (she was confused because previously she wasn’t allowed to eat off the floor) and I brought the fish to the outdoor cat, who’s been a good kitty and it’s going to be -1 degree tonight (C) so he could use the extra fat and fishy goodness anyway. So really it kind of worked out. Plus my mom is getting me more.

Driving is hard.
 

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