Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Okay, that makes sense. So I am triggered.

I still think they shouldn't be allowed to hint that beastiality is okay in a kid's movie. I will try to ignore that for a while. It was a terrible movie even without those references.

-----

My mom suddenly screamed at the cat while I was like two feet away. Not cool.

It was after she gifted me a stuffed chicken (actually Heihei the rooster but I'm calling him a chicken because he's silly) so I wasn't able to react well. It's a cute af bird tho

It screams and that's both spooky and cute.

 

[littleoc]

Stay. Off. The. Internet.

I think that's probably a good idea.

I have a lot of confusion and I sort of want to discuss it but here probably isn't the bestest place.

 

[frogthroat]

This is pretty tender and I also have experiences similar feelings and experiences that consider with those thoughts but you're not an animal. I can't even say anything about you visiting a bestiality forum though because I've viewed tons of extremely violent fetish porn as a way of trying to understand. I think it was also a way to try to have power over it. If you can view it as a consumer and be a part of the people who find this acceptable and stimulating then you can normalize it better? That's the only way I can describe it. Idk if that's what you're attempting.
I went down the fetish rabbit hole and it made me so much worse. If you have trouble with intrusive violent thoughts reading and viewing someone's sexual clusterf*ck isn't going to help you. Sometimes though I thin it's just something you feel you have to do to compartmentalize your own trauma in a way.
You're going to get through this and get out on your own. You still have empathy for people. You still love animals and can be around them. So many people who experience extreme violence, like me, come out without empathy or emotional intelligence. You're doing so well and I love the metal bugs.

 

[littleoc]

That's the only way I can describe it. Idk if that's what you're attempting.

It might be. I also am just confused. The guy really convinced 10/11-year-old me that some people just prefer animals and it's not weird? I knew it was weird at the time, though, somehow, and I'm not entirely sure why. I didn't want to be prejudice? Which is weird, because of the circumstances.... There's an entire ethics bored that pedophile taught me religiously, about how to not abuse the animals. It was so confusing. I think maybe I'm just trying to find them being evil or not so I can just decide if it's natural or not?

My projects in college did not help with this at all. The history as well as the sciences behind it? So confusing. But I promised myself I wouldn't research it. @somerandomguy has warned me already that the results might end up too disturbing. I think he might be right. Plus, I have no idea how I'd get funding for such an insane thing o.O

Thank you for the validation on being a human. :hug:

You're doing so well and I love the metal bugs.

Thank you! :hug: You're doing well, too! I'm really impressed with how much work you've been willing to do!

If you like the metal bugs a lot, I found the model kit in a Barns and Noble! It comes in a little sheet. It's very hard not to break the little pieces, though, but with a pair of pliers it's easy enough! :)

 

[littleoc]

My mom came in super loudly and started cussing and being disruptive in general. I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about yelling being a trigger. Is it that hard to understand? Seriously?

Worse, she was cussing and yelling because stuff was in her way. Bitch, I tried to help you three times.

She’s apparently in a great mood so clearly I’m a little sensitive, so it’s great that I’m planning on moving out.

 

[littleoc]

I do want to add that the broccoli cheddar soup she made is great. I was just venting earlier. :)

 

[littleoc]

Great news! :)

Found my birth certificate. Still no social security card, so I printed some tax forms that have it on them. That and the ten other things I gathered to prove I’m the real me ought to work out!!

Even though it’s kinda cumbersome since Homeland Security took over, I’m sort of glad that my identity is so hard to copy at the DMV. lol

 

[littleoc]

I wonder: if I already did the written test for the permit, will I have to do it again for the lisence?

I guess it wouldn’t hurt to re-read the driver’s manual in like a day or so. Skim for things I may have forgotten or that wasn’t in the manual in 2011 when I took the test originally.

I actually just realized that I don’t think any of you live in my state, so you probably don’t know lol. Maybe I should check their website for hints. Or just assume I’m taking it so that if the driving inspector asks I can answer?

 

[littleoc]

I tried to move something so I could find another document. Now the room looks changed.... ugh. I hate not having a clutter-free space. That’s gotta change ASAP

 

[Freida]

I have a lot of confusion and I sort of want to discuss it but here probably isn't the bestest place

If you don't want to talk about it that's fine .
If you are worried about us then toss it out there. You know that if people are bothered by it they will just pass it by and not think poorly of you for what you say (just a bit of a feather duster reminder! :hug: )
Others may be able to offer insight and you may find (like we all do! :laugh: ) that it's not just you

Still no social security card,

All you have to do is call them and ask for a replacement :)

 

[littleoc]

Others may be able to offer insight and you may find (like we all do! :laugh: ) that it's not just you

That’s what I’d loooove. I’m just so worried. I talked about it a little at RuffledFeathers above, but I’m not sure I could get myself to say much more. I’m afraid I’ll get into the details I learned and confuse someone else, or make them suggest I’m into illegal stuff like abusing kids (I am not, for the record), or maybe even be argued against. Cuz if y’all do agree, then I will feel bad because what if i cofused you too, but if you don’t agree, what if I argue? Probably because it’s at the core of the brainwashing (I’m calling it brainwashing) and maybe if it’s not true then I really have to accept that he wasn’t being nice? I’m worried about his dogs retroactively I guess?

All you have to do is call them and ask for a replacement :)

What?? It’s that easy??? :0!!!

Sideways mentioned that it could be replaced once, in one of the hoarding threads I posted.... lol

I sort of thought it would be hard, or my mom wouldn’t have made a big deal of it! The heck, I’ve been skidding by without one since I was 15?!! It was really hard to get the documents I needed to be employed! It’s the whole reason I trusted a wacko with my SSN ??‍ At least I got the job.... and the university acceptance.... lol

 

[Freida]

What?? It’s that easy??? :0!!!

Yep - if you have the number they just need to replace the actual card :)

That’s what I’d loooove. I’m just so worried. I talked about it a little at RuffledFeathers above, but I’m not sure I could get myself to say much more. I’m afraid I’ll get into the details I learned and confuse someone else, or make them suggest I’m into illegal stuff like abusing kids (I am not, for the record), or maybe even be argued against. Cuz if y’all do agree, then I will feel bad because what if i cofused you too, but if you don’t agree, what if I argue? Probably because it’s at the core of the brainwashing (I’m calling it brainwashing) and maybe if it’s not true then I really have to accept that he wasn’t being nice? I’m worried about his dogs retroactively I guess?

oh hun. stop! :laugh:
1. No one here is going to think you are involved in this stuff (or anything illegal)
2. You are not going to confuse someone enough that they want to run out and do bad things. And you also wont confuse them enough to change their moral compass
3. If someone doesn't agree it is fine. Maybe they just need more information. It doesnt mean you have to argue. And its entirely appropriate for you to have your views and have others not think the same way.
4. Yes. You will have to accept he wasn't being nice and that you were brainwashed.
5. lets revisit this..... You were a child. You were brainwashed/programed by a monster. You did not deserve this. He was a monster. You did nothing wrong. And yes even if you had to do something you think was wrong it's not your fault -- because you were brainwashed by a monster. (that's one I'm still working on too :hug: )

The guy really convinced 10/11-year-old me that some people just prefer animals and it's not weird?

It is weird. But it happens. People can fall in love with all sorts of things. other people, animals, buildings, cars (some great BBC documentaries about those last two.) Just like some people want to rape children. But as everyone learns as children you don't get to do whatever you want if it is going to harm another living thing. That's the difference. He may have told you he prefers animals and it may have been true. ACTING on that feeling was what was wrong. Involving you as his witness and victim was even more wrong.