It does help.
I'm very worried I'm going to be going to jail sometime next year. Hopefully not, but justice doesn't really care about people slipping through the cracks. They care more about setting examples. And I'm an idiot and a half.
But anyway, if it's a long time, if it happens at all, I'm going to be prioritizing my animals, as always. I'll have to pay someone for their care. And consider suicide if one of them begins to die of old age and I'm not nearby. Just to make sure I'm supporting them somehow.
I did tell that to my best friend. He did a fast sigh that I think meant he was mad/frustrated that I'm mentally ill and considering suicide again. I mean, I have been and I'm sure that's extremely frustrating. I just don't want to traumatize him by doing that suddenly without warning. He basically told me I need to see my therapist. Haven't seen her in three months, but I don't want to again. Nothing wrong with her, I'm just not vibing and feel, uh. well, she took five months? I don't know time, but several months to write a letter for me that I needed for my housing voucher, which I now might loose because it took so long. So I don't know. And I don't want to ask for a third therapist at the same place, nor do I feel I deserve it, nor can a therapist help anymore. I recognize that that's going to sound like a cognitive distortion, but genuinely what the f*ck would a therapist even do at this point?
I've been in therapy pretty much my entire life, from childhood to now, long enough to see all the trends as the singular popular psychologists write books with new theories or whatever. My group therapist asks me often why I sound like a therapist all the time to the other group members. I guess because there's not much else to do at this point.
I'm barely a husk of what I was. I feel like the longer I live the more "corrupt" I become with flaws/traumas/etc and I just want to go back to some version of myself I don't hate. Essentially I want to be someone else. And I can't be that person while I'm alive anymore. There's not a future a care about anymore.
I'm sure it's extremely frustrating to read that.
When I told my best friend I was worried about my cats, he essentially let me know I should have thought of that before. Which is true. It's just my brain is damaged now and I'm an idiot.
I did get an ambulance called on me. Like I said, it was easy to make them go away. Being suicidal isn't a crime. And I'm not going to be taken to another hospital that's just going to leave me in the waiting area for weeks, without access to my animals or my family or friends, while they refuse to give me my medication, or in my last case even a bed. Just being on the floor in a triggering situation they were literally punishing me for daily (not even giving food I could eat, for the second time (happened twice because hospitals don't care)), because they wouldn't give me my medication.
Only to take me to some hospital eventually and release me, often within a couple of days, because they can't treat me or say im already on all the medications and there's no need to change them.
So yeah, tired of cooperating with paramedics. They want to help, I appreciate that. The cops wanted to help too. Most of them seemed perfectly nice and genuinely concerned. I appreciate that too. But they are wasting their energy on me. And I'm sick and tired of constantly being in the system with no real help. It's ridiculous that I'm still having these problems anyways.
I haven't hated myself this much in a long time. But if that's how it has to be, then fine. It's fine.
Sometimes you want a little Aslan the lion or whatever to show up and help you fix it or at least tell you there's some reason to try to be happy again while alive. I don't know.
Reminds me a little bit of what happened with not wanting medical care for my lost fingertip last week though. Degloved and also partly chopped off. Been caring for this feral cat who, long story short, got confused about the strength he could use for his warning bite due to me wearing stab-proof sleeves while working with him. Good boy, wasn't his fault. Can explain more of someone is curious enough. Probably the third most excruciating pain I've ever felt.
Felt too dumb to go to the hospital about it. So I didn't. Eventually went to a local clinic for antibiotics though because it was swollen, but yeah, farmer blood in me doesn't want to go for stupid reasons. Especially while I still have work to do.
Waited until 6pm that day because I had a lot of work to do before then. And skipped the re-check three days later because I had more work to do, and was exhausted anyway lol
But anyway. Hopefully good news happens somewhere at some point.
. Glad you are reaching out—hope you keep sharing what you’re going through—it’s not fair at all what you have to deal with.
