Relationship Combat Vet With Ptsd....

[Sassy4444]

After my post last night, my bf came home and I tried my ass off to have a conversation. He would not look at me or engage in any discussion about our relationship.
I'm really sad today and feeling heart broken. I've not felt this way since high school. And I'm 44, divorced...I'm feeling crushed.
He found an excuse to not come home after work again, so I have to explain that away to my daughter who is missing him.
He's playing games, trying to get me to chase him or beg him to stay.
Does anyone have tips on how to extract information from this man? I just want him to open up and talk to me about us. I'm not prying into his innermost thoughts world, but I think I deserve answers.
For those who have been here, will I ever get them?

 

[aut555]

That's his power trip over you, the uncertainties of the relationship. So you are setting yourself to never have an answer because he may never give you one. This is unhealthy. You have to decide is this headtrip worth it, is this the example you wish to show your daughter? This is tough, you have to face this, and not go into denial about the importance of the relationship to you but not to him apparently. Good luck, make safe emotional choices for you and your daughter.

 

[joeylittle]

Anyone reading this thread, here is a link to the other thread the OP is referring to making a post in last night; it also has her background:
Dating A Combat Vet With Ptsd And Tbi....i'm 13 Years Older And Have A Daughter

(@Sassy4444 - I moved this thread into our Supporter Relationship section, because in this one you'd like to hear from other people who are on the supporter side too, not only the sufferer side.)

 

[EveHarrington]

If he's in a shut down, you may never get the answers you want, unfortunately. I think it's important to realize that during a shutdown, any line of questioning can be too much, even if you're asking something mundane like "did you eat breakfast?"

 

[Sassy4444]

If he's in a shut down, you may never get the answers you want, unfortunately. I think it's impor...

I'm just lost. He's playing games. I think he's trying to make me so mad that I kick him out. Which seems cowardly to me. He's avoided me (and my daughter) last night and he's not home again yet tonight. I love him, I really do, but my daughter is my priority. I can't afford to f*ck up everything I've worked for because he's not willing to accept help.
What is this game?

 

[Sassy4444]

And now my daughter is crying. She commented that she hasn't seen him lately and I broke down
I told her there was a possibility he might be moving out, and she started sobbing. Said "but he's a big part of our family "....I can't do this to her.
I feel like the most irresponsible parent right now.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I know it's not easy.

Your daughter will hurt if he leaves, but if he is going to continue to act this way, it's probably best to not have him in your lives.

Kids understand a lot but they can't see the bigger picture. You can see the bigger picture and even though she may be upset now, moving forward and away from this guy may be the best thing for both of you.

If he won't get help, I think you know what you need to do.

:hug:

 

[nursenurse]

Don't use your daughter as an excuse to keep an unhealthy relationship. What you accept for yourself, will teach her what is acceptable for her. There is no stability right now for her with him in her life as things are now. She is your priority now. You may love him, but you have to love yourself and your daughter more and, I think, move on. Can you bear the same thing happening for months, if not years, from now, if nothing changes?

I think this next sentiment is echoing one made in your previous thread. Your kid did not sign up for this kind of treatment, this kind of life. She deserves the very best, and she deserves peace. As do you. There is nothing wrong making it about the two of you until she is grown up. Getting divorced in 2014 and starting to live with someone ten months later is not what I would call taking my time, especially when there is a child involved. No one says not to date, not to work on a relationship. But kids deserve discretion. And sacrifices, sometimes big ones, from parents.

You haven't screwed up, you are guilty of what most of us have done at some point in time - thinking with your heart and not your head. Ideally the two should work together, but as human beings, one can dominate the other, sometimes with good consequences, sometimes not. And you are in the position of fixing things for both her and you, of using this as a colossal learning experience in life.

Whatever you decide, I think your daughter is already in crisis and confused, and at the very least, the two of you should get into counselling both separately and together. I wish you all the best.

 

[findingmyself]

Don't put up with it, let him know if he won't communicate, you will leave. If he doesn't, then leave. You deserve better!

 

[Gs172003]

I'm just lost. He's playing games. I think he's trying to make me so mad that I kick him out. Which...

Didn't you say he was on a dating site? What makes you think he's not meeting somebody?

 

[Gs172003]

Sorry to be so blunt but I'd rather you find out on your own then be blindsided thinking "it was just the PTSD".

 

[aut555]

You can't babysit this man and raise your daughter. This isn't working out no matter how badly you want it to work. A lot of times in life, we meet people, there is a connection, but the timing is wrong. This happens a lot, and we can't change it no matter how badly we want the relationship/connection with that person. Your daughter can be helped by explaining to her, he has some emotional limitations due to no fault of his own, but right now he is in a space where including him in her life isn't possible. She will then have you has a role model and will hopefully use that ex when she dates later on life. Sending compassion and encouragment to take the right steps no matter how hard it is.