Complex Trauma From Parents

[Sethe]

I am 99% confident that I am posting this in the correct section.

For those of you who were abused by parents for long periods of time (years), has your primary abuser 'mellowed' over the years?

My father was my primary abuser (God, I hate saying that) and he no longer (at least around me) displays the violent destructive screaming rages that he had when I was young. He has mellowed out considerably! He has actually become kinder. :eek:

Is this common? My T says yes.The concept is just so oxymoronic. I have trouble understanding him as being both people.

Anyone else have experience with this?

 

[Heather]

Wow - you're lucky Sethe. My mother has gotten worse.

As my therapist said, "she's regressed eve more". I didn't think it was possible for her to be anymore of an asshole than she already is, but apparently she can be.:rolleyes:

 

[Sethe]

Well, it's weird. My father 'found church' and I do think it's helped him. My mother is still scathing in her comments of how 'low class', 'filthy', 'disgusting' or 'perverted' people are- and she's still in denial. And as I said, my father was the scarier one, so his change has impacted me quite a bit.

I'm sorry she's regressed. We really only need one butthole in order to function- right?

 

[liv now]

My mother has definitely mellowed with age. She has become a kind and generous person. Anyone who meets her thinks she is absolutely wonderful. I am happy for her, but if I am totally honest I am also a bit jealous - why is it that she gets to move on and shift behaviours ( without any therapy), and yet I am still struggling, and being triggered in to the past. My dad, unfortunately for him, will probably never change. He still insists it is everyones else's fault for his abusive behaviour. Hence his decision to live alone.

 

[anthony]

For those of you who were abused by parents for long periods of time (years), has your primary abuser 'mellowed' over the years?

The simple answer is... people actually do change if they want.

 

[kenny price]

My father mellowed out but then I inherited $1,000,000 from my grandfather when I turned 19 and he did not want me to have the money. I had to take him to court and he never spoke to me again. He died 20 years later and refused to see me on his death bed, but rumor has it, he mellowed out. How is that for an oxymoron?

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do think that some of the 'mellowing' really is less reactivity due to the senses becoming less acute.

They hear less, so feel annoyed (or whatever) and react less.

They see with lessened acuity, so don't read as much, or as long, or get tired eyes more easily, hence, less to react to.

They can't taste as well, so less to complain about.

Teeth hurt more, or require more time to eat, hence, less time speaking.

They get tired more easily, so less adrenaline to pour into rageful outbursts.

We call it mellowing, and maybe that is the right term.

But when my senses get less acute, I'll call it *relief*....

My T. laughed when I shared this idea of 'can't wait to have hearing aids to turn off'... ;P

 

[Sethe]

Shit! I don't know about the complaining. They both still do plenty of that! :rolleyes:

I think he is consumed with his age. He's always complaining about how things don't 'work' the way they did- like his hands. I think he gave himself permanent nerve damage when he pounded out a trench through solid rock with an old car axle. Don't ask. He's supposed to have some ridiculous IQ, but things like this really make it questionable.

Hmm, maybe it does have to do with the senses. Don't know. I just know the 'scariness' is over (I think...). I'm not sure he changed because he 'wanted to change.' I think his attention has been diverted.

 

[BloomInWinter]

.....when he pounded out a trench through solid rock with an old car axle. Don't ask.

ROTFLMAO and CANNOT STOP!!! OMG!!!!!

THAT is something my dad would have done!!!

:D

 

[BloomInWinter]

...and they're slower so they can't get to us as quick.

...and their destructive thought patterns begin damaging their brains. Or, so we can hope.

 

[Sethe]

ROTFLMAO and CANNOT STOP!!! OMG!!!!!

THAT is something my dad would have done!!!

:D

Really???

He does the stupidest shit sometimes. I hate to use that word (stupid), but- really? Why? Is it really necessary?

And he doesn't understand why his hands hurt.

I forgot I had written about this...

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/sethes-stuff.12653/page-2#post-169204[/DLMURL]

 

[Sethe]

...and they're slower so they can't get to us as quick....

Well, now I would fight back a lot more, but I would feel bad. Sometimes he's just pitiful. He's not the same monster he used to be...