General Compulsive Lying

[Mrs. T]

Hello,
It has been about 2 years since I was on here last, and I have come back out of desperation. The same thing that brought me here in the first place. This past January, I found out my husband's big secret, he's an addict. Alcohol, drugs and gambling. Probably something I have known for a long time, but desperately found reasons to believe the lies, because I couldn't see any other way to get through the day. Since the truth came out, I was strangely relieved. This meant, there was a solution to our financial problems. This meant that my husband's mental state was actually not as serious as I thought (money would go missing and he'd have, apparently, no recollection of how). This also meant that my husband was not AS unlucky as he made his life out to be. When he got stabbed, or tires slashed, it was drug related. What this also meant, was for the 8 years we have been together, he had been lying to me. I caught him in a lie a few times since knowing the truth, and have been saddened and amazed at the elaborate lie he tells when he had no clue I know the truth.

Since the truth had come out, he had gone to rehab and attends every AA and NA meeting he can. He even started going to church. At the same time, he had chronic thoughts of suicide, anxiety, nightmares, depression, etc. Since rehab I found out something that indicated he was lying to me again. I forced the truth of of him. The truth was that he had been looking for drugs. Apparently did not get any and was ashamed he tried. What scared me was how hard he fought to keep the truth from me.

Lying for him, as I understand it, is a survival tactic learned at a young age. He has talked about an intense fear of telling the truth. He says he's trying to build trust, but things keep happening that are questionable. Like my purse went "missing" last week from our house. Coincidently, the only time I had money in it, which was meant to buy a new washer. That night he stayed out 3 hours later then he said he would. Or just times where he had spent money and promised to bring back a receipt, but had an excuse on why he didn't.
The point of all this, is not so much to focus on his addictions, but more on the lying. I know addictions are often partnered with lying, but I believe his lying is a habit of survival learned not for the sake of the addiction but for the sake of not getting beaten or thrown onto the streets as a child. I feel desperate, because I am exhausted, and I don't know how to approach all this

 

[franciemarnie]

Give Al-Anon a try. Addicts lie frequently. His addictions seem to be the issue and lying provides subterfuge. However the lying started in his life, it's the addictions that are the trouble. Focus on you now, not him. Al-anon will be a blessed relief. You will find you are not alone, and there are solutions.

 

[The Albatross]

Hi Mrs. T, I remember you and am sorry to read the new developments in your life with your spouse. It has been found that co-current (not sure if I got the word right) treatment for PTSD and substance abuse is more effective than treating one or the other. He is PTSD if I remember correctly right? Now he's "graduated" to add compulsive behaviors and SUDs (substance abuse disorder)/addiction.

Education, peer support (like Al-Anon mentioned above) forums or groups (mutual aid) and boundary setting. Give yourself some time to reassess, armed with the truth of your situation... what your commitment is to your spouse, what is the deal breaker, and while I'm glad he's attending meetings, please do get some assistance for yourself.

 

[Chava]

I'd tend to agree that lying right now is about his addiction (my dad had a gambling addiction and I've been through treatment for alcoholism many times...sober now several years). Honesty becomes a huge cornerstone in sobriety. All addicts lie and the lying keeps us sick. 12-step programs help us work on the honesty and help us discover how freeing the truth is (even if it's new on many levels, or after years of lies). Part of him probably wants to hang onto normalcy and trust, or possibly believes he will change "tomorrow" but the lies help buffer between his life with you and his addictions...all very stroong compulsions. Does he want to get better? (treatment, NA, GA, etc)? If not, or if his says he does but obviously lacks control (sort of the nature of addictions) and is not willing to commit to some sort of help, make sure you get help for yourself (al-anon, as mentioned and/or other supports, including the forum)...and secure your financial situation. If you haven't already take control of the money, don't leave cash around, and possibly even consider calling the cops if he robs you (or let him know this is an option, if you think it is). Addicts are difficult to help. You can support him but set up strong boundaries that in no way allow you to feed his addictions and be bled dry. Sorry you're going through this...it's hard...I hope things get easier for both of you.

p.s. most addicts need to get sober before they can make good use of therapy for deeper issues (like trauma). As long as he's using and gambling, he will likely be lying (even to therapists), so it's best to get support and help for the addictions as primary problem right now. I honestly wouldn't have done well facing trauma while drinking or even newly sober...I needed the stability of sobriety and finding other ways to cope, but a therapist that could help with coping skills and emotional regulation might be helpful alongside addressing the addictions...if he wants help.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry for all my grammar/tense mistakes, I blame autocorrect :). To be honest, I have been so exhausted and stressed lately, I feared any negative reply, so I kinda had to work myself upto going back on here. Now I wish I read your replies earlier :).

If his lies are only because of the addictions, then I'm not so scared. His drinking began when he was 9. Did drugs as a kid when he lived on the streets in Africa. Don't know when gambling began but from what I know now, I believe it was sometime before we met. To the question above, he does have C-PTSD. So therapy is more affective when it is ptsd/trauma and addictions combined? That's good to know. I have this wonderful coverage for therapists through my work.

He seems to be putting a lot of effort into getting better (meetings and church). A few little things have made me question some things, but hoping I am just paranoid because of all the trust lost. Also, yesterday he came back from an AA meeting pissed off. Said he met a drug dealer on his way home, who he used to work with. The guy asked him to connect him to some people. He was mad that this guy asked him, as he knows H is trying to get clean. That was encouraging to me, to know his reaction.

I have attended two al-anon meetings (unfortunately, there is no gam-anon or GA in our small city). I will continue going, and look forward to really coming to understand and work through the steps. So far, the meetings have somehow made me more sensitive rather then the serenity they talk about. On Monday I made an appointment to meet with someone from addictions Foundation, just for a bit of therapy for myself. On my request, H promised today that he would educate himself about PTSD, find a therapist and give meditation a try.
What is the breaking point for me? If he gets back into drugs, as this puts our kids at risk, as it has in the past.

Again, thank you. I need all the understanding on this as I can get. It's funny, I work as a mental health proctor, which also means working with many people who have addictions, but I feel I have way more understanding for people when I am not emotionally involved.

 

[Chava]

It is easier to have an objective look when not emotionally involved, I understand that. Good he got mad about the dealer...he's getting protective about his sobriety. If he's sober and meetings help, maybe a trauma therapist. Chemical dependeny counselor could be helpful but sometimes addicts/alcoholics count on that person and give up the 12-step program, which offers so many connections (for trauma survivors those good connections are also very important)...and most of them don't have loads of trauma-specific training or tools. But if he can't stay sober there's the treatment option. Trauma work would be important but he should be honest about his sobriety and however new it is so hopefully they proceed really slowly. It's incredibly hard to face big demons or lots of stress in early sobriety. It's ard to even deal with other changes since sobriety is such a massive one (like I always wanted to quit drinking, quit smoking, start eating better, and start exercising all on the same day, like fix-me-now! And I set myself up for total overwhelm and more shame). For the immediate present, I'd think number one priority would be protecting his sobriety, and great it sounds like he's trying to do that...and so good you've sought out support for yourself too!