Condescension

[I_Am_Titanium]

I've recently realized as I've been healing that one of my triggers is when someone (especially my spouse) is condescending to me. I get very angry and I'm trying to work through it. My spouse acts like he knows me better than I know myself which infuriates me, especially when it comes my PTSD. For example, he tells me I have no ability to empathize which is utter BS! I've tried talking to him about it and telling him it hurts me when he does this but he just doesn't understand. So he continues. It drives me crazy!

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so angry. I think I've felt inferior for most of my life due to abusive relationships and now that I'm healing and know that I like who I am, it feels like "how dare you tell me you know me better than I know myself!" Does that make sense?

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you work through it?

 

[Friday]

When it's someone I otherwise respect? I tend to check myself. Hard.

For example... If someone I respected told me I have zero empathy? (And I've had this happen / the following was my thought process). And I know that's not true? I'd look at what else that might actually mean.

Maybe I'm crap at showing empathy. Maybe my definitions & theirs are 2 different things (like sympathy v empathy). Maybe how I show empathy & how they show empathy are 2 very different things. Maybe I've been incredibly selfish & self focused recently / haven't actually been "seeing" the people around me. If I was less self absorbed, then I'd have empathy for them in spades, but not while wrapped up in my own stuff. Maybe a pet peeve of mine is overriding my sense of empathy (like whining, I have almost zero tolerance for whining. If someone is whining? The content of what they're saying virtually always goes right over my head). Maybe "you must be at least this tall to ride this ride" has kicked in... And nope! I have absolutely no empathy for ABC problems, very little for DEF problems, and so on, until a minimum threshold is reached. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of all the possible "maybes" that exist if an untrue statement is looked at as conditionally true.

Conversely, the person I otherwise respect, can simply be wrong. That happens.

Meanwhile... If I don't respect them? Pfft. Whatever. DGAF.

 

[durbin]

I know exactly how you feel. My spouse would always do this and it would drive me into anger fits. It would cause so much despair. Needless to say she left me because she didn't like me taking up for myself.

 

[scout86]

What @FridayJones said.

One of the things I check is "who" I'm actually reacting to. Sometimes I "hear" words, but I react to them like they are being said by someone from the past. Said with a totally different intent, most of the time. I'm not sure how to really explain that. One of my "deals" is that my brain takes in words, thinks it recognizes them, screams "threat!" and leads me to respond like it was (for example) my mom treating me like I had no value, rather than someone who actually likes me saying something I just don't want to hear. So, I try to take the time to see things from as many perspectives as I can, before I decide that I really know what's going on.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

When it's someone I otherwise respect? I tend to check myself. Hard.

For example... If someone I r...

@FridayJones Thanks! That makes a lot of sense. I'm starting to realize that the people I don't seem to have empathy for are the ones I don't have much (if any) respect for... which is interesting when I realize I have little to no respect for my own spouse. Huh. Something to for me to ponder.

@durbin Yeah, that's how it feels sometimes. Like I'm standing up for myself and I'm not sure he can handle that.

@scout86 Excellent point! I need to pay more attention to see if I do that too. I probably do. Thanks!

 

[Nevermore]

This is a bit old but I have found myself reacting a lot to this lately, even if it's someone trying to take care of me! I hate it! It makes me feel powerless - think that's why I hate it - like a child who has to be told what to do and how I should feel or act.
But I do think I overreact as mostly it's well meaning just maybe a bit clumsy.
It does do my head in though when others offer trite advice and logics to situations and emotions they've had no experience of! That's what makes me mad.
But I do try not to say anything because it really is meant in a kind way.
Still!!! It does make me feel crazy... The road to hell is paved with kindness. So true!

 

[Nevermore]

Oops I mean the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
That makes a bit more sense!!