How would you suggest talking to my husband who seemingly doesn’t have a heart? It turns into attacks on my having “issues”, sarcasm, condescension.

[Pahkah2024]

How would you suggest talking to my husband who seemingly doesn’t have a heart? I have not been able to talk to him without it turning into his attacking me for my having “issues”, without his starting to talk in a sarcastic, condescending manner and hurling insults within 5 sentences.​

I spent a long time hoping against hope the person I thought I married would find me worthy of a genuine apology (not the “I’m sorry but nobody could have foreseen it would cause a mental meltdown” he gave), for his unintentionally/willfully ignorantly knowing full well about my past triggering a shitstorm of PTSD symptoms with severe anxiety and depression to rain down on me in 2020.

He has known the back story to my “issues” since about 2 weeks after we met.

He has seen my struggles going to therapy and taking a shitload of meds after the monstrous trigger brought on a shitload of shit I never had to deal with. (I managed to live my entire adult life before 2020 without all this PTSD anxiety depression shit and zero meds and then got shoved into this hellhole that I’ve been in……)

He has seen me come out of the scalding shower all scratched up red from trying to stop the anxiety induced itch. He has known about the horrendous nightmares. (Sometimes I’m just afraid to fall asleep, others I wake up more tired than when I went to bed, with a full body ache to boot. I’m probably getting a couple hours most nights to a handful on good days.)

Driving is a challenge to say the least because of my “blanking out “ from the no warning flashbacks. I‘ve blown past stop signs, I’ve blown past flashing train track lights, my car has ”yelled” at me for “lane departure“ countless times. I’ve also just one time nearly missed the house I live in TWICE returning from therapy just not even registering I’m driving right by…When I’m already having a severe itching episode the focus and concentration necessary to drive is gone and an impending flashback highly likely. All of this my husband has previously been made aware of.

Go forward three years in time and this happens:

Act I
Wife: (a rare instance when she stretched her neck and back in intense pain in front of Husband)

Husband: (asks their child) “Does mommy do this at home?”

Child: “No.”

Husband: *smirk* “I figured”

I would think the “normal” reaction to someone stretching in pain is “are you ok”? But he asked our child if I do this at home (which I pretty literally can’t because I can’t exactly take a break from doing everything to take care of a young child. I only get to mind my own pain after the child is in bed for the night so of course the child doesn’t see me stretching in intense pain).

But my husband “figured“ I was only doing it in front of him just so he can see. In my mind I was like .. wtf? Take away the spousal relationship, why would a person - be it sibling, parent, cousin, friend, or acquaintance - “figure“ another person is faking discomfort/distress?

ACT II
Wife: (scratched her anxiety induced itchy self like crazy -in public-, at dinner in a restaurant)

Husband: (after dinner) “You can leave me here.”

Husband: (to their child) “Your mom can drive you back.”

Evidently Husband thought Wife was in perfect condition to operate a vehicle, with their child in the back seat no less, during a severe itching episode unable to tough it out and not scratch in public. That, to me, could only mean he believed the scratching in public was for show, for him to see, as was my stretching in intense pain in ACT I.

Q1.

Are Husband’s reactions to Wife’s distress/discomfort in ACT I & ACT II those of a “normal human being”’s? Why would someone deserve his acting that way?

He regularly called me crazy and abnormal throughout the years. Every time we’ve argued he would say “I -AM- a normal human being”.

“Normal” people have issues, be it physical or mental. A heart, the capacity to empathize is what makes a normal human being a normal human being. I’m just real tired of being treated like a lesser human being because I happen to have ”issues”.

Q2.

Given Husband’s (what I see as) massive ego, severe superiority complex, and utter callousness displayed in ACT I & II, his spending 3 years apparently thinking I’m putting on a show for him, refused to apologize to me, how likely is it that Husband has mistreated/been verbally abusive toward Wife throughout the years?



Many conversations about any given topic have gone so ridiculously sideways it felt like he was talking to a subordinate. I’m not an equal because I have “issues” that he fortunately doesn’t, and I can’t possibly be correct about anything even when there is a mountain of proof readily available and easily accessible. He just has to be “right”, and me “wrong”.

I tell him the way he speaks to me, the words he chooses to use is verbally abusive. He disagrees.

 

[Sideways]

You and hubby seem to have very dysfunctional communication and a lack of respect for each other.

Why are you still together? Can you come at this communication breakdown from a place of respect and empathy? Do you think he’d be able to do the same if you talked about it?

 

[Movingforward10]

I tell him the way he speaks to me, the words he chooses to use is verbally abusive. He disagrees.

If he won’t change, and seeing that he doesn’t think he needs to means that he won’t, what do you want t9 do?

 

[anthony]

Here is my take. The entire way you have presented your above post, screams that "I am right and my husband is wrong, do you agree with me?" This is your side of something that is far more complex than the mere two scenarios you have posed, with pertaining questions. What about the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day? Because all of that above, sounds like its about one minute of the day.

You're distressed, you're upset. That is all normal and acceptable. The issue is that you are asking only about your side, your view, of this very short span within your relationship. Relationships are anything but minute by minute for summation. There is history. Everyone gets annoyed with repetitive acts of selfishness, if that is the case. Sometimes we just want to be acknowledged and at that time a partner is anything but what we want.

I am not blaming you, I am not agreeing with you, I am simply asking... is this really the entire context? As what you have written is very specific and spans all of next to nothing in time within a relationship.

I think your heading is the best question from everything you have written.

How would you suggest talking to my husband who seemingly doesn’t have a heart? I have not been able to talk to him without it turning into his attacking me for my having “issues”, without his starting to talk in a sarcastic, condescending manner and hurling insults within 5 sentences.

From your heading, the communication style in your relationship is obviously not healthy. Regardless of specifics, I think you need to focus on your overall communication style, not who is right or wrong by defining he seemingly doesn't have a heart. That is passive aggressive in itself, yet you are deeming him to be the issue. Two people comprise a relationship. You can help him improve his communication style by also improving yours and how you approach him for each issue.

 

[OM_™]

How does that song go…I’m not in love or is it We’re not in love . I suggest some good ol’ Couples Counselling. Sorry to sound so harsh.

 

[JessicaShmessica]

I can't believe the responses I'm reading here. OP, he's abusive. Get him into couples counseling, or leave. You're right - he doesn't have a heart. I can't believe the amount of victim-blaming I'm seeing in these comments!

 

[anthony]

I can't believe the amount of victim-blaming I'm seeing in these comments!

It's not victim blaming, its called getting through the BS and understanding exactly what an OP is saying / trying to say.

One side of something is not the full picture, and questioning a person IS NOT victim blaming. Its just questioning to ascertain their view to answer the issue with most accuracy.

 

[OM_™]

I guess we're not going to get the husband's viewpoint on this forum.

My compassionate take on what Pahkah2024 is saying, "take care". You are obviously overwhelmed and looking for help.

My own original PTSD began at 5yo when listening to my mother and father have violent arguments where the three of us children would cower in our bedrooms to the sound of breaking chairs and mum screaming, "let me go!"

Even when it was peaceful in our house, invective responses were never far away. Soon, mum, dad, my brother & sister and myself were all using disrespectful and abusive language. It was hard to stop and be nice. Both my sister and father had a violent streak which turned into physical violence if they were disobeyed.

Pahkah2024, the above story is mine not yours but your post on March 16 reminded me of the normal ebb and flow of conversation in our family.

Eventually mum and dad did have some relationship 'couples' counselling and there were some tender and loving moments but you were always waiting for a seismic emotional eruption.

I want to say how sorry I am that you're going through such a rough patch.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Anthony's original reply finished with:

From your heading, the communication style in your relationship is obviously not healthy. Regardless of specifics, I think you need to focus on your overall communication style, not who is right or wrong by defining he seemingly doesn't have a heart. That is passive aggressive in itself, yet you are deeming him to be the issue. Two people comprise a relationship. You can help him improve his communication style by also improving yours and how you approach him for each issue.

As the founder of this forum, Anthony is perfectly capable of defending himself but I would suggest that his response is entirely reasonable.

 

[Friday]

I spent a long time hoping against hope the person I thought I married would find me worthy of a genuine apology (not the “I’m sorry but nobody could have foreseen it would cause a mental meltdown” he gave), for his unintentionally/willfully ignorantly knowing full well about my past triggering a shitstorm of PTSD symptoms with severe anxiety and depression to rain down on me in 2020.

Blaming those around us for our triggers? Is a MASSIVE avoidance symptom. Because it’s “not” the trauma, it’s “not” PTSD, it’s “not” us… BUT ITS THEM!!! EVIL MOTHERf*ckERS, HOW DARE THEY?!? RAGE!!! FURY!!! SADNESS!!! DESPAIR!!! HURT!!!

If you’re triggered? You’re overreacting. By definition. As you’re not responding to the present as if it’s the present, but as if it’s the past.

It sounds as if your avoidance has killed this relationship, and hurt someone you love to the point of no return, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot learn to manage your symptoms & not hurt others in the same way you’ve devastated your ex.