Confronting My Father

[Maggie1198]

My dad had physically abused my siblings and I for 11 years (starting when I was only 4). I don't remember much of it, but what I do remember still haunts me to this day. I remember my father losing his temper and watching him drag my little sister -- probably 4 or 5 at the time -- down the hall by her hair, throw her on her bed, and hit her. At 11, I had pneumonia and had a hard time taking my medication because I couldn't swallow the pills. He thought it would be funny to come up behind me while I was attempting to take my pills and cover my mouth and nose with his hands until I did swallow. There was another incident when I was 12(?) where he lost his temper and chased me up the stairs. I was able to crawl under my bed just in time to see his feet enter the doorway. I held my hand over mouth in fear that he would hear me gasping for air. It didn't end until my mom left him when I was 15. Out of the four kids, I'm the only one who developed PTSD although it's clear that my brother and sisters have their own issues stemming from the abuse.

I was diagnosed shortly after my parents split, but the memories of my past didn't start pulling me into a downward spiral until my first year of college. It was up until then where I had a fairly decent relationship with my dad (He never really talked to me until after my mom left him and I had always wanted him to be a part of my life because I desperately wanted a father figure). Life became difficult with my mind always wondering off into these bad memories. It became increasingly difficult to even see my dad let alone talk to him.

Now, at the age of 22, I have decided to begin my journey on coping with my PTSD. It's now been seven month since I've seen or spoken to him. I feel guilty for ignoring his calls, but I can't help but feel anxious everytime I see his name pop up on the caller ID.

I feel like I need to confront him to get out all of these thoughts and feelings I've been holding in for years. I feel like it needs to be done more than ever because he's really sick and isn't getting any better (what I like to call -- when I'm in a bad mood -- karma). All I want to do is forgive him, but at the point that I'm at right now I can't. I don't know whether it will help me move on or not, but all I know is that it's one step that I feel I need to take.

Any suggestions or advice as to how I should go about talking to him?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Maggie,

It sounds like you want a father to be what you think they should be, and yours is not. That causes a lot of internal stress when trying to reconcile what is, to what we want it to be.

Perhaps you could write a letter to your father, and explain how his behavior hurt you. Whether you send it is entirely up to you. But at some point you will need to decide whether or not you want to continue a relationship. If you do, set clear boundaries and do not allow them to be crossed.

I can't give any advise on forgiveness. Working on that myself. For me, I am working on acceptance of what is, and what was, and hoping to move on.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[ISupportHer]

Maggie, Perhaps I have no right to respond. I am not a sufferer. I do know that my wife had a TH to help her with some of this. I do know that my wife was to write a letter fist, for her eyes only. It was kind of a dry run. To help identify her thoughts and "get it out" so to speak. I know Debbie suggested a letter and doing one privately first may be a transition that can help.

I do whole heartedly agree that it is YOUR decision whether or not to even have the relationship.

I don't mean to parrot Debbie but I also agree about the "forgiveness". Just an outsider's opinion but I don't know that forgiveness is as important as acceptance. Acceptance in being abble to heal.

Again, I am no expert at all. I hope you do what you feel you need to do and I wish you peace and healing.

ISH

 

[Sandra]

I always had a hard time with confronting my abusers. I did write my brother a letter about his abuse etc. Then recently I took the huge step of sending it to him. I did not hold ANYTHING back in my letter. Needless to say he totally flipped about what I put in my letter to him. I guess he didn't like the truth being thrown in his face. I did find out one thing, he is more in denial then I thought he was. Needless to say he still blamed me for all of his wrong doings etc. But that is usual denial behavioiur of blaming others for their problems. I'm sure he is also angry at me since I still have the control over this. He is a very controlling person and always wants to be in control over all situations. I did request an apology from him and didn't expect to get one and of course I did not get one. But for his sake I was hoping he really did see the real "HIM" and get help for his problems. But sadly that will never happen, since he doesn't think he has any problems.

 

[maddog]

As others have said, I don't think that forgiveness can or should be a process or a defined goal in a situation such as this. If anything, I think that forgiveness is only one of many many possible outcomes of the journey of processing and coming to terms with something as complex and layered as the years of abuse you have obviously experienced at his hand.

I understand the need to find closure and to have a concrete outcome that will somehow bring order and stability to the unreconciled confusion and mayhem of all of this, but I just don't think it's possible or realistic to put yourself under that sort of pressure right now.

Are you seeing a therapist? I truly believe this isn't a journey you can take alone. The rational, objective, validating input of an independent support person can be unspeakably significant in guiding you through this.

I have had success with the letter writing strategy too. It helps to just write it, raw and unsensored and without any immediate intention to send. There can be something very honest and unguarded about this action that can be the catalyst for a lot of the processing that needs to be done in these situations, but again, the guidance and support of someone who can help you to manage the feelings and reactions that are likely to go along with this is probably really critical.

Good luck mate, please keep us posted. Many can relate to the place you're at, and it's overwhelming, frightening, but possibly one of the most significant crossroads you'll find yourself at in your life.

Maddog

 

[DHC]

I'm confronting my father about abuse soon myself. I'm a big believer in therapy and I have someone helping me understand how to approach writing a letter to him. I hope you'll consider talking to someone professional. Actually the experience is pretty awesome.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Maggie,

It sounds like you want a father to be what you think they should be, and yours is not. That causes a lot of internal stress when trying to reconcile what is, to what we want it to be.

I agree with Debbie. For a long time, I wanted to have a father that would just love me and be there for me. Mine was not/is not. This is what I thought a father should be. But I came to the realization that, yes, this is what he should have been (a father), but he was/ is not. I learnt to accept that was who he was/ is. Although I don't forgive, I found acceptance to be very liberating.

You need to make the decision that is best for you. But, if you do decide to approach him, try to keep in mind that you may need to 'accept that which you cannot change'.

Love to you, xxoo

 

[Powder]

Maggie,

There is something inside us that desparately wants to "fix it." I am not sure what this thing is, but it nags at us and points big fingers at whatever in our past is still causing pain. It feels like an emotional sliver in our finger, and as we try to use our hands, type, write, open and close things, wash, and any other activity, this sliver seems to flare up and hurt. Since our bodies are programed to use pain as a message that we need to "do something" about it, to remove the sliver or get medical attention, our emotions register pain and also bring with it the urgency to take action.

Ironically, emotions need to be looked at a little bit differently. Unlike the sliver in the finger, the emotions have been under our skin for a long time, maybe even our whole lives. Now they demand attention! They say "take me out! Deal with me NOW!" And we feel like immediate action is needed, and maybe we can remove the offending emotion that is getting in the way. This seems to be universal; however, the action we may feel pushed to take may differ. The interesting thing is that the action that needs to be taken is to slow down and just process the emotion first. Figuring out what happened to create this set of emotions takes time and energy.

There is a rush to "fix" whatever looks broken. But our emotions are not able to be put in a cast. Confrontation is an option, but it won't remove the brokenness or the emotional slivers in the way. Usually, there will be denial on the other person's part. Confrontation is a way to get it off your chest if you want to put your emotions back where they belong. In other words, now it will be his problem, because you will no longer take his calls, be his daughter or play along. You would be saying, "No." This is setting a boundary.

But as others said, "Forgiveness" won't come from confrontation or any action you take with another. Forgiveness, the everyday variety, is not so easily achieved when someone is abusive and unrepentent. Everyday forgiveness is something we do with finite offenses and in order to move on in a positive relationships. In toxic relationships, it feels more like survival and then getting on with life. Maybe, It is something we can cultivate inside by filling ourselves with love, but it starts with a small seed and we have to keep watering it, nurturing it by loving ourselves. It takes time. I know I cannot find it yet.