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Confused by friend in abusive relationship

bravepoint

New Here
I have a male friend who I believe is in an emotional abusive relationship. He is in denial. But he has signs and some of the things he tells me she has done sound like crossing boundaries, lies and manipulation to get what she wants, and gaslighting. He has low self esteem.

Background, I have ptsd from something a long time ago. He has ptsd as well. He is someone I knew when I was young and is one of the few people who knows I have ptsd. One of the big things with crossing boundaries is she wanted to move to a different state. He didn't. He had a good job. She refused to work. She did work but quit. Where she wanted to move to was higher housing cost. She sent his resume in to a job there, pretending to be him and by email set up a time for that job to call him and didnt tell him. He found out about this when he got the phone call. She convinced him to at least interview. She promised if they move she would get a job.

He was offered the job. Less pay and housing was twice as expensive but he did it to "keep a happy home." He says he does lots of things he doesnt want to keep a happy which sounds like a red flag in itself. They moved. She never got a job. He struggled paying all the bills. They had no money for anything extra.

He was isolated from close family and no money to visit them. He was depressed and waiting to die. There are so many other things that he told me that are red flags but that is a big one.

Does this sound like abuse? My problem is I worry about him. My worry is aggravating my ptsd. I don't want to just walk away as a friend but I don't know what to do. He is currently pushing me away because I've been honest with him. He claims he made a bigger deal of things than they are and calls them snapshots. My understanding is that's also a red flag of someone who is abused. They make excuses and downplay the abuse. I don't want to walk away but this is making me feel depressed because I feel helpless.
 
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It's very painful to see people we care about go through these things.
I had a friend in a coercive and controlling relationship and I decided not to say things, and then did a bit. But at the end of the day, we can't protect people.

You're in that really difficult balance of what do you say and what don't you say.
Sometimes all you can do is listen and be there.
So maybe you can agree that you see his relationship differently than he does, but you care for him and your friendship together is the focus, rather than the relationship he is in?
 
It's very painful to see people we care about go through these things.
I had a friend in a coercive and controlling relationship and I decided not to say things, and then did a bit. But at the end of the day, we can't protect people.

You're in that really difficult balance of what do you say and what don't you say.
Sometimes all you can do is listen and be there.
So maybe you can agree that you see his relationship differently than he does, but you care for him and your friendship together is the focus, rather than the relationship he is in?
Thank you. Yeah, I've already said what I can say to him.
 
Does this sound like abuse?
Not to me.

Especially if doing the footwork to find him a new job in a different state is the biggest/worst example of type.

I know a lot of amaaaazing relationships where that’s simply part of the division of labor in the relationship; the person who is good at logistics? (Job hunting, house hunting, networking, packing out, paperwork, etc.)? Does that. And other things that play to their strengths. And vice versa.

Like just about anything, it can also be a part of a bad relationship, but in and of itself? Job hunting is a pretty neutral/ zero-sum activity.
 
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