Confused, Is My Mind Distorting Reality?

[A HOPE]

I was brutally raped 11 years ago to the point I had to "play dead" in order to escape. I was young, 20, and afraid and didn't report it, never got help, just tried to put it out of my mind. Little did I realize the YEARS of suffering I would endure internally and externally, had I known, I would have made certain to report it. The fact is, I didn't. But this has haunted my dreams, my day-to-day reality, every aspect of my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year.​

About two years ago I met someone who is now in my life, We've taken it EXTREMELY slowly and it wasn't until recently that we've tried being intimate. TRIED, being the word. He is a policeman and I feel 1,000% safe with him, but I've been frustrated with myself lately due to intimacy. Kissing is fine, hugging is fine, touching is fine and mentally and emotionally I WANT more, but physically, I can't. Literally. I don't know how to put this less bluntly than it will sound, but it was like a wall was literally between my legs. He couldn't be inside me. He DIDN'T force it, he WASN'T mad at all, he kept repeating, "It's ok, it's ok, it's ok, we can try again another time." I was so disappointed in myself, I felt that being able to kiss and touch, etc., was a good sign and then bam. But he wasn't mad at me at all.​

But I'm struggling because my heart, my emotions, and my mind are not agreeing with my body. I told him a month ago about the brutal rape so he is aware. He said, "Thank you for telling me this. It tells me a lot and I don't ever want to do anything or say anything that would bring back bad memories because believe me it will come back and it will be heavy so if I ever do anything or say anything that reminds you of that, tell me. I don't want to remind you of that. I don't want to be the one to remind you of that." I can only assume that being a policeman he's familiar with trauma and long-term affects of rape, right?​

So he understands my reaction or lack thereof without my needing to explain or do I need to explain? What hurt/confused me the most is when he said, "I have a buddy I work with who I admire more than anyone else on this force, I can give you his name and number, who you can talk to, he's really really good, I wish I was as good as him, I can give you his name, you can tell him a little at a time, not all at once if you don't feel comfortable, and he will help you. You wouldn't believe the support that is out there but you have to want the support. And I think you do need it. You don't need to live the way you're living with all of this inside of you. To carry this inside and to function for 11 years, that's unbelievable. I wish you would talk to someone. If you prefer to talk to a woman I can give you the name and number of a woman you can talk to and she's excellent too in helping people. I'm not going to pressure you but just think about it OK. And I want you to know what is said to me will stay with me. I'm not going to say anything to anyone. What is said between us will stay between us."​

It hurt me because I want HIS help, and I don't know why he's "dumping" me onto someone else, onto a stranger? I know HIM, I could open up more easily to HIM, I don't understand why he's not willing to help me personally. He helps strangers every day of the week, he risks his life every day for strangers, why would he not be willing to help me? Is my mind distorting this/reality or what? If anybody has any advice about me or him, or any words of wisdom.​

PLEASE do tell... Thank you for your time.​

<Paragraph breaks inserted for ease of reading by Amethist>​

 

[Jacquie]

You need him to understand and be supportive. He knows it takes a long time and opening up little by little. He knows stuff you dont know...yet. But the thought of going to some complete and utter stranger is scary right? Do you see yourself clamming up?

Find someone 'you' feel comfortable with. The same way you felt comfortable with him. You need someone who can be inside that wall you built for protection. But its your decision. If you go to someone, even a few times and not say anything much and they really stay OUTSIDE that wall. No trust. Find someone else, until you come across someone you can feel ok with and open up as much as you want, as fast or as slow as you want.

If this man is prepared to stick by you through the journey and isnt forcing you or blaming you, but suggesting this, then you got your wish. He IS helping you.

Take it at your own pace, and you control the 'who' and the how much or how fast. You can walk any time. You wont be stuck in a place or space you dont want to be in.

((hug))

 

[A HOPE]

Jacquie thank you for your prompt reply and attention. I appreciate your reaching out to me more than you know. I was not mean or ugly to him, but my heart was disappointed that he would seemingly rather pass me on to a stranger. I reached out to him because I wanted his help. He begged me to get help. But maybe he's not as trained to deal with this situation unlike the friend on the force he referred me to or maybe he feels his friend can help more than he could, he spoke so highly of him. And maybe I'm taking it too personally. But still he could have offered to go with me. I assume he would if I asked but seems I wouldn't have to ask if he truly cared? He says he knows the physical scars and mental scars left behind.

My disappointment is in me and how I apparently can't be intimate and how he seems to want to hand me over to a stranger when I confided in him wanting his direct help. What brought this all about is my running into my attacker at a store and he having the audacity to lick his lips and smile. I rushed to my car and drove 12hrs straight to get away. When I told this to my boyfriend he said I can't live like this. That I can't drive 12 hrs everytime I see him. That it's not healthy and it will kill me if I keep it inside. He begged me to get help.

He asked why I didn't call the cops and I told him because I didn't report it. He asked why I didn't report it, was it because I was scared? I said yes. He said I cannot continue to live like this. He said I can still report it - but I have to be the one to do it. I said there's no proof, he said he may be a wanted man for other crimes, at least I'd feel safer if he was off the streets. He seemed more concerned with catching him than helping me and that's hard to swallow. Does that make sense?

Maybe I'm being too sensitive? Please respond ASAP.

 

[A HOPE]

Also Jacquie what did you mean when you said he knows stuff I don't know yet? I look forward to your response. I appreciate you.

 

[Jacquie]

Yes it makes sense. No you are not being too sensitive. Yes you are not scared....you are terrified.

One of things that is left with us is this. The inability to 'ask'. That expectation 'they just know and will offer'.

2 things. Where did not being able to ask come from? The fear the answer will be no, so we avoid it.

The other thing is the other person doesnt want to tred on your toes and be the one to ask or offer, in case it rattles you, so they leave it up to you to ask.

So them NOT asking, might be them trying to not hurt you. There's only one way to get past that. A normal caring person wont reject you when you ask, they'll help you. Your own fear of it going pear shaped might be whats stopping you from asking, because of past bad experiences of not being supported.

Honey, ask him. It might terrify you to do it, but sit and say.....I cant do this alone. Would you be able to come with me if I go.

Then see what he says.

((((( hug )))))

 

[A HOPE]

Thank you again for your support. You provide such comfort to me. He was the first person I had ever confided in. I couldn't understand why he would offer somebody else's help but not his own. But I understand more through your explanation. It hasn't come up again since I told him. He hasn't asked anything and didn't mention it when we tried being intimate. I feel protected because of his profession and also because of the person he is. But even still, I am startled easily with him and always always always have an escape route no matter where I am. The fact he hasn't brought it up makes me feel like he doesn't want to talk about it but I want to talk to HIM about it. I just don't know how. I feel because of his profession he just wants the man caught and that's all he's focusing on. I dont want to offend him. I've never asked for help, I was hoping he would offer HIS help. All I know is I refuse to meet with anyone alone. I won't see this person he wants to refer me to alone. I don't know how he expects I could do this alone!?!?

 

[A HOPE]

PS: I guess it boils down to the fact it feels like he's passing me off to someone else because he doesn't want to deal with it. That hurts. But yet he's above and beyond supportive in EVERY other aspect of my life! I am confused and extremely anxious of the thought of talking to a stranger. I mean what is going to happen? Am I going to talk to one person only to be passed on to someone else???? But yet as anxious as I am, I am aware of the fact I do need help. It just would have been so much easier on me had he been the one to offer his help. Hope I am not repeating myself too much. I'm sorry. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you ever so much again.

 

[visiting]

I am new here and just registered partly so I could respond to your post. I relate so strongly to your feelings, and feel for you, for what you are going through. I think when a close partner recommends therapists and professionals they are not trying to "pass you off" to someone else. I think he is trying to give you the best help possible, because he believes you deserve really great treatment and care....and with his profession, he probably does know some very talented professionals who can support you.

You took a very huge step by sharing with him what has happened to you. It must feel very overwhelming. So even as I write these things, just know that I understand its just not simple... and that I fully resepct where you are coming from, and if you need to proceed slowly or if its overwhelming, that makes sense.

I agree with the other person above who said you might try to ask him to go with you. Your need to not go alone makes perfect sense to me, and he might not have thought about that because he isnt going through what you are going through. To him, going to see someone alone might feel safe and confidential. But to someone like us, with all the fear, it can feel really threatening to be vulnerable and talk about triggering things, in front of someone we do not know, alone in a room! At least , I have had that feeling, and so that is why i imagine you might feel that way. Other people don't necissarily know about that fear , though, so i dont think he is trying to make you do something that would make you feel bed--- I think he imagines that might feel safe and secure, and a relief. Try to keep sight of what he probably thinks he is offering you.

His wish to catch the perpetrator is one thing he can focus on not only just to help you but to help others in the future. He cares about protecting people very much, which is why he is a police officer. So don't take it personally, or like he is not thinking of helping you in the way you need. It sounds like he is trying to be respectful of your privacy, of your sensitivity.

If you share with him what your needs and concerns are, then through communication he can learn how to understand you more. He sounds caring and like he wants to understand. He doesnt sound like he wants you to do this alone, it sounds like he wants you to have even more support. Sometimes it "takes a village" as they say. It is hard for a partner to ever be 100% of their parthers support, even when there is not an extra need. That said: maybe he can be the person you lean on until you get comfortable with finding more support. You would not be wrong or rude to ask for this. You deserve to have your needs met, and asking is very difficult but if done with care, you might be surprised to find he is willing to do this for you, or you might be relieved to learn that he accepts your feelings and doesn't want you to feel so alone. So if you need more time before you seek other support, or if you need him to go with you.. if you need him to stop talking about catching the perpetrator right now-- you have the right to communicate those things to him.. and if he cares (it sounds like he does) he will listen to you and do what he can to help you feel his support.

If you arent comfortable telling him any of these things just now, that is ok too-- but then try to realize he might act imperfect but just try to not take it personal-- its just cuz he doesnt yet know what all your needs really are, yet, and that when you are ready you can test the waters and try to share with him how you're feeling.

 

[visiting]

i just read your newest post and i just want to say that you are so far responding to a hypothetical-- it feels "like" he is passing you off to someone else.. but you dont know for sure if he means to be doing that-- so while it hurts-- it is something hypothetical that is hurting you.. its not a fact until you find out for sure that is what he is doing--- but he also might feel too close to you and too emotionally invested to give you all the impartial help a therapist can offer -- as you can see he is reacting himself by wanting to catch the guy. Whereas a therapist might not have the same reaction-- so I think that he is also just trying to recognize that he has strong feelings about the issue -- and while they might be feelings of protection and anger and so on-- those feelings might not serve you the best right now and that you might need more than he can offer-- that said, it seems you can ask him about all of this and see what he thinks, and it might make you feel more clear about his intentions?

 

[A HOPE]

Visiting: Thank you for reaching out to me. I am surprised and touched by the fact you signed up to respond. Thank you. You have definitely given me a lot to think about. Thank you for opening me up to his point of view instead of mine alone. Maybe he knows my healing will take a long time whereas getting his hands on the rapist is something he could do right now. Do you know what I mean? I will respond in more depth to you tonight, typing on an iPod right now and getting my thoughts together too. In a good way. But I will respond to you I promise. Thank you for reaching out to me, touches my heart. More this evening...

 

[A HOPE]

Visiting: He was initially adamantly angry when I first told him about the rape. He was upset, breathing hard, and the look on his face was pure pain. Empathetic pain. Then it was like a switch, he immediately went into attack mode, or the police mode he's trained to be in - not at me, but towards the rapist: asking his name, where he lived, where it happened, he was in full force ready to get him.

Meanwhile, I am humiliatingly stuttering that I couldn't answer his questions as fast as he was asking them!!!! Maybe he felt I couldn't focus on my recovery unless I knew this rapist was off the streets. Maybe he wanted to prove to me he can protect me, just as he would protect any other citizen. Or maybe he's wanting to provide the most immediate help that he can by capturing him - knowing mentally and emotionally will be long term pain, but catching him is something he can do right now for me? I don't know.

But it also hurts my feelings and confuses me that this hasn't come up again in conversation. Has he forgotten? Does he assume I'm "over it" since I shared a minute part with him about it? I don't understand.

He has always, unfailingly, unconditionally been there for me. He's held me when I've cried, he's wiped away my tears, he's told me every time he doesn't like to see me cry, he's listened to me and comforted me for literally hours... I can't even tell you how many times. But this is something untouched and unsaid.

I'm trying so hard not to go into defense mode, trying so hard not to sabotage this beautifully strong relationship we have but this has really confused me. If he had said this about himself to me, I wouldn't be able to drop it... But he has dropped it?

He couldn't understand why I didn't report it and why I didn't call the cops when I ran into the rapist in the store recently... NOTICE I didn't say he said why didn't I call HIM, but why didn't I call the COPS... He's removing himself from this for some reason?

I know this is a heavy subject and nothing can be said to make it disappear, but I'm not looking for perfection for words, I just want to be understood, and I want this to be acknowledged.

I'm trying to figure out what the root of his actions are. Does he not want me to associate this deep pain with him and he's afraid I will if I talk to him about it? Is he only wanting to create good memories to replace the bad? He kept telling me it's not my fault and he would never hurt me, physically or otherwise, and I believe he wouldn't hurt me.

I've always ran from relationships because of this and I didn't want it coming up, just kept it hidden and purposely sabotaged every relationship before it became intimate... But it's different with him. He's the 1st person I've ever let inside to the horror. And if I said I wasn't disappointed by his handling of the situation, I'd be lying. It hurts to finally be this open and basically be on my own as if I hadn't said anything.

And then I think maybe this is the first time he's dealt with this PERSONALLY, maybe its always ONLY been PROFESSIONALLY so maybe he doesn't know WHAT to say or do... other than what he's trained to do?

I haven't even shared the fact that I was molested as a young child for years... hate to see his reaction or lack thereof to that.

I know I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, nobody is perfect. But I'm NOT wanting perfection. I want to be understood. I want support. I want to be healed. I want to be free of this pain and on the road to recovery. Maybe he knows how critical it is for me to get the right kind of treatment and in turn knows he can't provide the level of treatment I deserve? But that shouldn't mean I can't share what I feel like sharing with him.

I completely utterly do not understand. And at this point I don't know how to bring it up! He's advised me about much smaller scaled situations I've dealt with to cry, get mad, just get it out of my system, let it out in front of him so he can help me... Yet this is something MAJOR and he has NO advice other than ship me off to someone else? No support?

Am I making sense at all??? I'm so confused at this point...

I look forward to your response... Thank you for being there for me....

 

[visiting]

You are making sense, and i don't have a lot of time to respond now but wanted to let you know that I read what you wrote.. Your additional writing has changed the way I was understanding your perspective--

You said: "I know I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, nobody is perfect. But I'm NOT wanting perfection. I want to be understood. I want support. I want to be healed. I want to be free of this pain and on the road to recovery. Maybe he knows how critical it is for me to get the right kind of treatment and in turn knows he can't provide the level of treatment I deserve? But that shouldn't mean I can't share what I feel like sharing with him." If he is activelly shutting you down when you try to share, or when you try to get some other kind of support, (other than him trying to go after the guy--) then I can see why you would feel disappointed.

By the way: I think you WILL be free of the pain, and are already on the road to recovery. It really sounds like it in your "voice." Just by the way you are writing about it, you sound very determined and strong and focused.
Maybe he cant provide that for oyu, and maybe you will be able to find a place within yourself to

Also, this could be me projecting ( I am in the process of leaving an abusive relationship with a controlling person) but I sense a little bit of a paternalistic attitude toward you from him in this latest description. It might not be a "bad " thing at all but i thought i would share this impression with you. I can't quite articulate it very well , and i dont want to make the wrong conclusion based on what I am going through-- but his way of "taking care" of you sounds like he might be getting a little bit of an ego boost out of being the strong-daddy figure , and he might feel threatened by you suddenly wanting to get past this , and let your real strength out. It could be totally subconscious in him to feel oddly insecure about your desire for strength. He could still be a great guy , and I dont think that would make him dangerous to you or abusive or anything, it just might not be a helpful dynamic for what you need right now. If you feel like getting to the bottom of it, I still think maybe you should find a way to talk with him & root it out for yourself -- and see what

You do sound like your intuition is telling you there is something strange here about his behavior. I think you should listen to that. Maybe the answer will take some time to surface, but in the meantime i sincerely wish you all the best in daily recovery and strength. I hope i dont sound pushy and presumtious, i am just guessing! I hope it helps