Sufferer Drug-induced PTSD — Will I ever feel safe in my own mind again?

[nothinglikesunshine]

Hi there!

I’m 25F - Sober 2 years, in a loving relationship, I have a solid few friends and have been in therapy weekly for 2 years.

My trauma happened at the end of 2023, when I was prescribed a medication called Effexor — I already have a history of doing drugs during my college party days and taking things too far. My first traumatic experience happened in 2021 when I took a party drug 2 weekends in a row and I thought I forgot words — or became very self aware. This shook me — but it wasn’t too traumatic since I was still able to do my day to day things. I still smoked weed after this. In early 2023 I thought it would be a good idea to do a small amount of shrooms to self medicate (I’ve read about it online how it can help). Bad idea. I had a very bad trip. After this I decided I didn’t want to ever feel out of control like this again. Flash forward to Sept 2023, I went to see a psychiatrist and I just started therapy. I specifically told the psychiatrist I didn’t want to take anything that made me feel like “I was on drugs” — I later found out that Effexor targets the serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline receptors all at once.

I won’t go too into detail — but I had brief drug induced psychosis panic for 4 hours straight — and then it felt like it lasted for months. I couldn’t leave the house for a couple of months, I couldn’t eat, not eating made me panic, I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t even be in a car. The impulsive thoughts were at an all time high. I felt very scared for several months. I had to learn how to just survive minute by minute in therapy. I was in therapy 2x a week seeing 2 different therapists (DBT & Trauma) and was diagnosed with PTSD a year in.

Flash forward to 2 years later — I can now be a passenger in a car and even drive (very short distances), I went to nail school and opened up my own nail suite. I’m 2 years sober — learning to trust supplements again (even vitamins make me nervous). I have learned so many coping skills to help myself trust myself again.

But my question is — Will I ever feel safe again in my mind? My therapist says yes. Some moments I feel like yes. But then that doubt creeps in. I feel like I’m lying to my therapist & my partner when I say I want to drive again — when in reality I’m terrified of being in a position where I have to be in control AND I’m surrounded my danger AND I don’t always feel safe in my own mind. Sometimes the hyper vigilance and over self awareness comes in. I often regret ever doing drugs and sometimes wish I could just stop existing so the pain could go away. I have more good days than bad days now, 2 years ago I couldn’t even say that. I know it’s a journey and that it relatively hasn’t been that much time. I just want to feel confident and safe within myself again. Which is why I make myself go to therapy, do the work and just get real and uncomfortable and accept that I’m not alone in this.

I’m happy I found this thread— it really does make me feel less alone.

(P.S. Does anyone else get ravenous when they’re anxious even if they just ate? I have to pack so many snacks & food to take around for safety just in case — as well as everything I think I might need in my purse — even if I’m going somewhere where I don’t need anything)

 

[DownwardSpiral]

Welcome to the forum. I'm also a newbie here.
I've had an experience with trying to self medicate using weed months ago. Not good, probably won't do it again.
As for anxiety, it gives me this big stomach ache like I'm starving. Trying to eat doesn't do much though :/

 

[nothinglikesunshine]

Welcome to the forum. I'm also a newbie here.
I've had an experience with trying to self medicate using weed months ago. Not good, probably won't do it again.
As for anxiety, it gives me this big stomach ache like I'm starving. Trying to eat doesn't do much though :/

Something that really helped me get nourishment during anxious times is drinking smoothies! I make a blueberry & banana smoothie with chia seeds & oats and it really helps satiate that part. For me I can’t eat when I’m anxious, like the texture is weird or my mouth gets really dry so it’s something that helps as a meal supplement until I’m in a safe space to feel calm and be able to eat!

 

[Movingforward10]

Yes, it’s totally possible to feel safe again. Feeling safe isn’t a constant thing though. It’s not a destination. It’s basically managing triggers. Which come and go, easier days and harder days.


Thought stopping.
Logical thinking etc all help.

I suppose with drug induced psychosis, knowing that you know longer do drugs and therefore are very unlikely to have a drug induced psychosis again, will help with those internal reality checks. You are in control of what you put in your body.

 

[nothinglikesunshine]

Yes, it’s totally possible to feel safe again. Feeling safe isn’t a constant thing though. It’s not a destination. It’s basically managing triggers. Which come and go, easier days and harder days.


Thought stopping.
Logical thinking etc all help.

I suppose with drug induced psychosis, knowing that you know longer do drugs and therefore are very unlikely to have a drug induced psychosis again, will help with those internal reality checks. You are in control of what you put in your body.

Thank you for saying this! Checking the facts has helped a lot with my panic attacks. I’m grateful I’m in a place mentally where I can check the facts and know that I am sober. Usually in the past it’s easy to say “ride the wave” and knowing that I whatever I was on would pass. But something clicked when I took those meds and it felt like my time receptors were off and it felt like a prolonged exposure — months long. But now I know anything that was in my system is long long gone, and I just have to use my coping skills when I’m in distress. Thank you again.

 

[Hermitess_Nun_N.H.]

Hi there!

I’m 25F - Sober 2 years, in a loving relationship, I have a solid few friends and have been in therapy weekly for 2 years.

My trauma happened at the end of 2023, when I was prescribed a medication called Effexor — I already have a history of doing drugs during my college party days and taking things too far. My first traumatic experience happened in 2021 when I took a party drug 2 weekends in a row and I thought I forgot words — or became very self aware. This shook me — but it wasn’t too traumatic since I was still able to do my day to day things. I still smoked weed after this. In early 2023 I thought it would be a good idea to do a small amount of shrooms to self medicate (I’ve read about it online how it can help). Bad idea. I had a very bad trip. After this I decided I didn’t want to ever feel out of control like this again. Flash forward to Sept 2023, I went to see a psychiatrist and I just started therapy. I specifically told the psychiatrist I didn’t want to take anything that made me feel like “I was on drugs” — I later found out that Effexor targets the serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline receptors all at once.

I won’t go too into detail — but I had brief drug induced psychosis panic for 4 hours straight — and then it felt like it lasted for months. I couldn’t leave the house for a couple of months, I couldn’t eat, not eating made me panic, I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t even be in a car. The impulsive thoughts were at an all time high. I felt very scared for several months. I had to learn how to just survive minute by minute in therapy. I was in therapy 2x a week seeing 2 different therapists (DBT & Trauma) and was diagnosed with PTSD a year in.

Flash forward to 2 years later — I can now be a passenger in a car and even drive (very short distances), I went to nail school and opened up my own nail suite. I’m 2 years sober — learning to trust supplements again (even vitamins make me nervous). I have learned so many coping skills to help myself trust myself again.

But my question is — Will I ever feel safe again in my mind? My therapist says yes. Some moments I feel like yes. But then that doubt creeps in. I feel like I’m lying to my therapist & my partner when I say I want to drive again — when in reality I’m terrified of being in a position where I have to be in control AND I’m surrounded my danger AND I don’t always feel safe in my own mind. Sometimes the hyper vigilance and over self awareness comes in. I often regret ever doing drugs and sometimes wish I could just stop existing so the pain could go away. I have more good days than bad days now, 2 years ago I couldn’t even say that. I know it’s a journey and that it relatively hasn’t been that much time. I just want to feel confident and safe within myself again. Which is why I make myself go to therapy, do the work and just get real and uncomfortable and accept that I’m not alone in this.

I’m happy I found this thread— it really does make me feel less alone.

(P.S. Does anyone else get ravenous when they’re anxious even if they just ate? I have to pack so many snacks & food to take around for safety just in case — as well as everything I think I might need in my purse — even if I’m going somewhere where I don’t need anything)

I would like to speak to this. We here on the forums sometimes have to go "offroad" from what the therapist is saying, while at the same time, not self-medicating. I believe that, due to recent breakthroughs in the science of genetics, and the science of The Proper Human Diet (Dr. Ken Berry) I have the correct roadmap to never have to be frightened of my own physiology screwing up my mental health. To make a long story short: I was bulimarexic at age 21 (a real chemical change in my mind) after the first 2 waves of PTSD inflicted by my family. I was uncured when I left the only Eating Disorder Hospital Ward (Rader Clinic for Eating Disorders) in 1986, continued to suffer Bulimia and PTSD for 14 more years and entered into an abusive marriage to a Narc, suffered physically through my second pregnancy and ended up with Postpartum Depression on top of the PTSD, at which point I was mid-diagnosed by a disgustingly expensive Psychiatrist in Manhattan NY as being "BiPolar". All the while, I had been vegetarian due to my husband's iron will about what we ate and why we ate it at home. I had no idea until 2 years ago that since age 21, it was grains and plants that were destroying me, causing Bulimia on top of the PTSD, and finally robbing of what is considered "normal mental health" both while and after I carried my second child to term. The private hell I went through was indescribable - I wouldn't wish it even on my worst enemy - . I eventually left my husband and had to give up my children in order to save myself from the vegan environment but continued with unanswered questions as to why my body itself (not my mind) kept wanting to ingest food and then throw up. This year alone the episodes where my gut and my mind got taken over by bulima finally stopped, and what was revealed was both Candida + other bacteria that had started in my childhood but caused the vegan mental breakdowns once I was bitten by ticks and got Lyme Disease. I understand now that we didn't have enough research to get to the roots of these problems until I turned 60 this year. Miraculously I never got an enlarged heart, decayed teeth, brain hemmorhage despite all those years of mental torment and vomiting regularly. A Higher Power saved me for the purpose of telling my story today to someone who is afraid of their own body and has limited knowledge about mental recovery. Could it be you? I wish you nothing but peace, and a new path forward, starting today.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hi there!

I’m 25F - Sober 2 years, in a loving relationship, I have a solid few friends and have been in therapy weekly for 2 years.

My trauma happened at the end of 2023, when I was prescribed a medication called Effexor — I already have a history of doing drugs during my college party days and taking things too far. My first traumatic experience happened in 2021 when I took a party drug 2 weekends in a row and I thought I forgot words — or became very self aware. This shook me — but it wasn’t too traumatic since I was still able to do my day to day things. I still smoked weed after this. In early 2023 I thought it would be a good idea to do a small amount of shrooms to self medicate (I’ve read about it online how it can help). Bad idea. I had a very bad trip. After this I decided I didn’t want to ever feel out of control like this again. Flash forward to Sept 2023, I went to see a psychiatrist and I just started therapy. I specifically told the psychiatrist I didn’t want to take anything that made me feel like “I was on drugs” — I later found out that Effexor targets the serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline receptors all at once.

I won’t go too into detail — but I had brief drug induced psychosis panic for 4 hours straight — and then it felt like it lasted for months. I couldn’t leave the house for a couple of months, I couldn’t eat, not eating made me panic, I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t even be in a car. The impulsive thoughts were at an all time high. I felt very scared for several months. I had to learn how to just survive minute by minute in therapy. I was in therapy 2x a week seeing 2 different therapists (DBT & Trauma) and was diagnosed with PTSD a year in.

Flash forward to 2 years later — I can now be a passenger in a car and even drive (very short distances), I went to nail school and opened up my own nail suite. I’m 2 years sober — learning to trust supplements again (even vitamins make me nervous). I have learned so many coping skills to help myself trust myself again.

But my question is — Will I ever feel safe again in my mind? My therapist says yes. Some moments I feel like yes. But then that doubt creeps in. I feel like I’m lying to my therapist & my partner when I say I want to drive again — when in reality I’m terrified of being in a position where I have to be in control AND I’m surrounded my danger AND I don’t always feel safe in my own mind. Sometimes the hyper vigilance and over self awareness comes in. I often regret ever doing drugs and sometimes wish I could just stop existing so the pain could go away. I have more good days than bad days now, 2 years ago I couldn’t even say that. I know it’s a journey and that it relatively hasn’t been that much time. I just want to feel confident and safe within myself again. Which is why I make myself go to therapy, do the work and just get real and uncomfortable and accept that I’m not alone in this.

I’m happy I found this thread— it really does make me feel less alone.

(P.S. Does anyone else get ravenous when they’re anxious even if they just ate? I have to pack so many snacks & food to take around for safety just in case — as well as everything I think I might need in my purse — even if I’m going somewhere where I don’t need anything)

I started having dissociative panic attacks after I smoked hash (laced with PCP, which I was unaware of) for the first and last time. I was trying to fit in. I was quite a sensitive being before I tried it at age 15-16. The attacks continued for many years. I think once I experienced this feeling my brain hung on and the attacks came on without me understanding why. That was a very long time ago but I learned to deal with them.. I didn’t have a therapist I trusted so I didn’t know the were related to PTSD which hadn’t been diagnosed… Back then one was just labeled mentally unstable. I have had years of therapy and have finally pieced the whole story together. I was an abandoned child with two neglectful parents. I think it was set into motion by me trying pot. That said I never touch any drugs that would cause a dissociative feeling, it freaks me out. That said 40 years later I had medical treatment using Ketamine IV for PTSD. I was very suspect, but antidepressants do not help me. Effexor is a SNRI and I was on it for 10 years. I cannot say it made me worse but definitely not better and getting off it was a nightmare. I switch to an SSRI Serotonin which I can’t say helped much either…and the side effects are also awful… thus Ketamine IVs under a doctor’s supervision. This helped. Yes I can feel safe but I also fall back into unsafe. My healing came more through therapy than antidepressants, but I needed anxiety meds for a long while. There is hope yes, it’s a long and windy road but yes