jaccat
VIP Member
So I've been in a pretty strange place all day. I think this has been creeping up on me all week.
Earlier this week I posted something about a song from Matilda the Musical in here. I mentioned it on another thread and it reminded me of how I felt when I saw the show. I didn't know what it was then, but I see now it was a major flashback.
I loved the show, I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. I even bought the soundtrack. At the same time it was one of the most painful things I'd ever watched. I was Matilda, with all those adults treating her like crap, telling her she was worthless, calling her a liar. I was Miss Honey, traumatised by her Aunt and too scared to face up to people, and I was also the little girl in Matilda's stories, abandoned by her father, who simply wants to protect him.
I haven't ever been able to play the soundtrack, too afraid of the affect it might have on me. I was so out of it after seeing the show that I scared my friend.
This week that changed. I think I must have played the album at least once every day. There are a couple of songs on it that I particularly relate to. Today I have been playing them over and over on my iPod.
I don't know why I was doing it. There was no conscious thought behind it, except that it felt like I needed to hear them. Then, after playing one song on a loop for about half an hour I found myself getting really angry, angry about my childhood, my past, the chaos that was my life. I got so mad I went upstairs and beat the crap out of my pillow.
I think that may be the first time I've ever been able to get mad, for me. Which I know is an achievement. Only now I feel kind of weird, scared, like I don't what's coming next.
Earlier this week I posted something about a song from Matilda the Musical in here. I mentioned it on another thread and it reminded me of how I felt when I saw the show. I didn't know what it was then, but I see now it was a major flashback.
I loved the show, I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. I even bought the soundtrack. At the same time it was one of the most painful things I'd ever watched. I was Matilda, with all those adults treating her like crap, telling her she was worthless, calling her a liar. I was Miss Honey, traumatised by her Aunt and too scared to face up to people, and I was also the little girl in Matilda's stories, abandoned by her father, who simply wants to protect him.
I haven't ever been able to play the soundtrack, too afraid of the affect it might have on me. I was so out of it after seeing the show that I scared my friend.
This week that changed. I think I must have played the album at least once every day. There are a couple of songs on it that I particularly relate to. Today I have been playing them over and over on my iPod.
I don't know why I was doing it. There was no conscious thought behind it, except that it felt like I needed to hear them. Then, after playing one song on a loop for about half an hour I found myself getting really angry, angry about my childhood, my past, the chaos that was my life. I got so mad I went upstairs and beat the crap out of my pillow.
I think that may be the first time I've ever been able to get mad, for me. Which I know is an achievement. Only now I feel kind of weird, scared, like I don't what's coming next.
