Confused on first secure relationship!

[sefdevjunkie]

I am a 33 year old male. I grew up in a fairly chaotic household.

I would say I identify with the fearful/disorganized attachment style. When I perceive a girl as taking distance, I get anxious and want to close the gap (wanting her more). When she comes too close for comfort, I want space and start to feel icky around her. I have a high perfectionstic mindset and shyed away from mature serious relationships most of my life. I would also identify as being in a freeze nervous system state most of my life.

Numb to feeling the rainbow of emotions.

Between then and now, i got into 2-4 month situationships with women and whenever they would get close, I would harp on the things I didn't like about them. Most of the time physical and some were just qualities I wanted that they didn't have.

I always thought it was just me not finding the right one and attributed me ending things with them due to that until now.

I was into this girl for the first couple of weeks, then as she started moving emotionally closer, my feelings started to diminish. She checks all my boxes but I can't help but feel numb preceded or followed by anxious most of the time, especially when she's lovey dovey and says loving things. I never know how to reciprocate because it feels like I am not being genuine. She recently told me that she's starting to fall in love with me... and I just feel numb and a lot of anxiety.


All this anxiety and overthinking started when she started expressing deeper feelings for me maybe a few weeks into knowing each other

Finding the physical things about her that I am not fully attracted to. Not wanting to kiss her sometimes. Not being fully excited about sex.

A big feeling and thought that has always come up is " I will inevitably hurt them" (emotionally)

Then I start feeling numb and indifferent to her. Recently found out this could be ROCD.

So now my brain goes between ROCD and HOCD.

Can anyone else relate? I know some people shut down at different times during a relationship. In my case, it happened only after a few weeks of knowing her. I am continuing to pursue her and be with her despite the lack of feeling. I am trying to sit with the anxiety that comes up but it is really difficult.I do not want to lose someone so good in my life and that really cares about me but what do I do if I can't feel those feelings?!


I am used to hot/cold dynamics with partners/dating and this is probably the first safe secure relationship I've been in

So I have been trying to look at my connection wit her more logically than emotionally 'for now' bc I don't trust my feelings, anxiety, intuition. Logically, on paper she has everything I want and has the potential to be an amazing long term partner.I have been pushing forward with her despite the thoughts/feelings that are coming up.

i've told her a little bit about what I'm going through and she is amazingly compassionate and understanding so far.

 

[Friday]

This sounds a LOT more like the … I love you! / I hate you! / You’re everything I want / You’re disgusting & repulsive/ Don’t Leeeeeave Me!/ Go away! …BPD thing than the PTSD intense & isolate thing. Have you been evaluated for BPD? It is an incredibly common pairing amongst childhood trauma suvivors to have both BPD+PTSD… which also means there is reeeeeally effective treatment. DBT for the BPD & Trauma Therapy for the PTSD/CPTSD.

Even if you don’t have BPD? DBT can be incredibly useful for people learning, for the first time, how to emotionally monitor & regulate…on purpose… even though it’s in a very narrow sort of way. (Predominantly in relationships, and with love/hate, desire/disgust, anxiety/excitement, fear/rage, blame/blame -of others or ones self-. Which is something like 8% of dysreg, but in profound areas for most people).

A TON of people with PTSD, take a DBT course (1-2years of focused support, plus group support, plus homework; 24/7 access gradually reduced to weekly checkins) to learn the basics of emotional monitoring & regulation.

Being ADHD (and parenting ADHD, wildly different things!) that means learning/teaching/allowing for learning/relearning emotional monitoring & regulation as toddlers, teens, & pregnant (impossible to “learn”, when pregnant, it takes a couple of years to to get on top of, it’s more of avoiding burnin down the house unless one has 4+ kids), & menopause. ADHD blokes will have themselves sorted for life by their 20’s, meanwhile women re-enter the crucible at least a couple times. And ADHD emotional monitoring & reg is NOT 8% but 100%. ALL emotions, good/bad/indifferent. But? BEING ADHD? Where ALL control is on purpose, rather than on accident, as most of the population relies upon? I cannot more strongly recommend DBT to anyone learning to master emotion. It’s gold-standard treatment for BPD, but sooooo damn useful/effective for neurotypical people dealing with their first acquired disorder (like PTSD) that comes along with dysreg.

 

[sefdevjunkie]

This sounds a LOT more like the … I love you! / I hate you! / You’re everything I want / You’re disgusting & repulsive/ Don’t Leeeeeave Me!/ Go away! …BPD thing than the PTSD intense & isolate thing. Have you been evaluated for BPD? It is an incredibly common pairing amongst childhood trauma suvivors to have both BPD+PTSD… which also means there is reeeeeally effective treatment. DBT for the BPD & Trauma Therapy for the PTSD/CPTSD.

Even if you don’t have BPD? DBT can be incredibly useful for people learning, for the first time, how to emotionally monitor & regulate…on purpose… even though it’s in a very narrow sort of way. (Predominantly in relationships, and with love/hate, desire/disgust, anxiety/excitement, fear/rage, blame/blame -of others or ones self-. Which is something like 8% of dysreg, but in profound areas for most people).

A TON of people with PTSD, take a DBT course (1-2years of focused support, plus group support, plus homework; 24/7 access gradually reduced to weekly checkins) to learn the basics of emotional monitoring & regulation.

Being ADHD (and parenting ADHD, wildly different things!) that means learning/teaching/allowing for learning/relearning emotional monitoring & regulation as toddlers, teens, & pregnant (impossible to “learn”, when pregnant, it takes a couple of years to to get on top of, it’s more of avoiding burnin down the house unless one has 4+ kids), & menopause. ADHD blokes will have themselves sorted for life by their 20’s, meanwhile women re-enter the crucible at least a couple times. And ADHD emotional monitoring & reg is NOT 8% but 100%. ALL emotions, good/bad/indifferent. But? BEING ADHD? Where ALL control is on purpose, rather than on accident, as most of the population relies upon? I cannot more strongly recommend DBT to anyone learning to master emotion. It’s gold-standard treatment for BPD, but sooooo damn useful/effective for neurotypical people dealing with their first acquired disorder (like PTSD) that comes along with dysreg.

Thanks for the reply. I've been to therapists but never officially diagnosed with anything besides depression/anxiety. I will look more into this