Confused

[KatieConfused]

Hello!

I'm 22 and I'm new to this forum. The main reason why I joined is because I've been struggling with an issue for years now. I'm going to tell you guys the story in hopes that I can gain some insights and perhaps maybe find somebody who is going through the same thing. In a nutshell I'm going to tell you what the story is about so you candecide whether or not you want to keep reading. My story is about confusion about sexuality, loneliness, love, trauma, and wanting to be happy. If this is something that interest you than please keep reading.


So my story starts during the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I entered one of my classes with the same excitement and hopes that I usually have during the beginning of anything. Will I be able to make friends this year? Or better yet will I meet the love of my life? Well, the answer to the first question was a definite no while the answer to my second is one I'm extremely confused about.

When I entered the class soon after entered what would be the greatest catalyst I have encountered in my life; a petite very pretty professor. The professor actually took over the class from another professor at the last minute. When she first entered the room I was somewhat excited because she was young and pretty while my other professors were old and decrepit. I left class somewhat awe struck by her. However, I was looking forward to seeing her again.

About the third time I saw her I fell madly in love with her or at least something that resembled love. I couldnt stop thinking about her. I was taken aback by the strong force of my emotions for someone I barely knew. I felt that she sensed my attractions and instead of pushing me away she actually tried to get to know but I was so shut down that I couldn't really be open with her.

During this time I got very depressed because I didnt know what my feelings meant. Although I've felt similar feelings for other women before they were never at the intensity I felt for this professor. At the time the homosexuality didn't enter my thinking. I was heterosexual, I wanted to have reletionships with men although I've never had an emotional connection with a man in my life I was sexually attracted to them. I wanted to create a future with a special man but that man or boy has never seem to come up.

However, you guys must be wondering where this is going. Well! The thing is that I have lived with my mother for most of my life. I was her everything emotionally. I'm extremely traumatized by this relationship. So my question to you guys would be if it's possible to experience loving feelings for another woman because you've had a traumatic relationship with your mother?

I have told two therapist that I think i'm a lesbian. One said flat out that i'm not a lesbian and the other said that she doesn't think that I'm gay. Guys I need your help because I feel a sexual attraction to men but a deep emotional one to women. Are these somehow covert symptoms of PTSD?

Please help!
KatieConfused

 

[Reclusive]

Okay, I'm gonna give this a go, but I'm just a sufferer like you and only know so much. I think it's absolutely possible to have romantic feelings for women if you've been traumatized by your mother. Just like it's normal for women to be able to eventually have relationships when men when they've been abused by their fathers. I think, though, what might be going on here, and why you may feel so confused, is that you might be mistranslating your feelings. What you think might be a love emotion could really be more like hero-worship. But having a relationship with a professor while in their class is a definite no-no and before you pursue anything beyond mentorship/friendship, you're going to have to wait until class is over. Well, you don't have to, but it's better that you do.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Very confusing huh? I really agree with Reclusive. I think it may be transference. The need to have the love from another woman that isn't traumatizing like your mother's? Just take a breath, take your time. Think things out and do more reading and learn more about the trauma you've been through. Acting in a quick way (at least for me) usually leads to regret.

I wish you well. Welcome to the forum!:)

 

[OKRADLAK]

PTSD can make us simply FEEL things that "normal" people do not And it is hard to interpret them. Having a feeling as a sexual person does not mean that THAT particular feeling is sexual. It could be.

I know I get feelings that just are, these very huge feelings that I could name if I wanted to, but it would be an inaccurate name.

You can name them anything you want and if YOU think you are gay, well, that is good enough. No one can tell you that you are not!! Some people think that sexuality is not a fixed thing anyway, but rather a fluid state. This demarcation - straight/gay--- I have no idea what any of that means. Some people have NO sex drive and are asexual, too.

Labels are pretty stupid, so your attraction to the woman provoked something deep and I think that is good. It means that you went some place very deep and experienced something very meaningful. I am not sure what it meant, but it did mean a lot to you :-)

 

[KatieConfused]

Thank you guys for answering!

I think that I'm the kind of person that overthinks things too much. I dont know how to explain it but I guess I was taken aback by the sudden intensity of all the emotions. I've never been in a relationship of any kind. I don't have friends, many acquiantences but no true friends. So I guess when you have little social experience this is what can happen.

But I recently moved out of my mother's house and I'm out on my own now. I'm extremely scared. There's a restlessness within my soul that I cannot describe. I have no clue who I'am or where I'm going all I know is that I hope all of this confusion stops soon because I don't think that I can take it any longer.

Thank You

 

[Reclusive]

Remember, too, that this whole life thing is a learning experience. You don't need to have the answers right away, you'll get them eventually. And some you never will. Good for you for moving out! Remember - you can have cake for breakfast now. ;)

 

[KatieConfused]

Reclusive,

I understand that this whole life thing is suppose to a whole learning experience but you're supposed to be having fun while your at it. I don't really understand why this had been going on for so long in my life now. It's been almost four years since I've met her and I know that nothing is going to come out of it. I've tried hard to forget her but somehow I can't and the fact that I have no other relationships romantic or otherwise makes thing so much harder.

You know I never thought that love or at least something that resembles it was going to be so complicated.

KatieConfused

 

[Spero3]

Katie,

I am lesbian, too, and was emotionally and physically abused and neglected by my mother. That is why I have PTSD. What you are experiencing may be transference, or you may be looking for someone to replace your mother, or you may be gay, or it may be bisexual, or it may be a combination of these things. We are very complex creatures and understand so little about our brains and genetics. I think whether a person is gay or not is absolutely a mixture of nature and nurture.

I encourage you to explore your feelings towards this woman (and any others if there are any). Growing up, there were hugs signs I was lesbian, but our culture is such that we tend to force ourselves into the roll of straight man or woman without really thinking. It took me until I was in my late 30's before I realized I was lesbian. Meanwhile, I was married and had two kids. I am now divorced, and I will tell you that figuring out that you are gay later in life is very difficult. Explore now, while you can! You may be straight

I hope this helps.

Spero