Sufferer Confused

[Colorado2]

I'm new to this forum, and an incident that occurred several times in high school has still left me confused many years later. I was taken advantage of by a teacher after I had trusted him. I used to talk to him about my difficult home life and he was very understanding. He offered to come by and pick me up one Saturday to give me a break from family. I agreed, and nothing weird happened...we talked like we did when I was at school. He offered another Saturday and I agreed, but this time he attempted to kiss me. I was shocked and turned away. And then he compared himself to someone he knew I hated and he also texted me on occasion when he was thinking of suicide. So although I was uncomfortable, I also worried if I made him feel bad he would kill himself and it would be my fault. He went to kiss me again and I let it happen and then he started touching my private parts over my clothes. This happened on a few different occasions, and eventually he went under my clothes. There were times where he put his mouth on my boobs, and penetrated me with his fingers. He also put my hand on his penis, and asked if he was big.
I was uncomfortable w what was happening, and also confused because when I started talking to him I felt like he really cared, but when it turned into something else I didn't know how to get out.
Is digital penetration considered rape? I was 17 at the time and he was 30. Is this considered sexual assault or abuse?
It's hard to move past this sometimes. I know this isn't nearly as bad as what other people experience, so idk what to think of it or how to process.

 

[BlueOrange]

I can't interpret the criminal code, and I certainly can't predict the outcome of a court case.

It was, however, very wrong for him to do that. He abused a position of trust. He engaged in horrible threats and blackmail. He violated standards of professional conduct. He violated you.

I feel angry that he treated you so badly.

 

[CDKLaw]

That's horrific. That's practically assault in my eyes. I don't know the legality of the situation. You have definitely been violated. No wonder you can't move past it. It's not your fault.

 

[seedling]

You may think that because the physical part of it wasn't "as bad as" another's situation, that it shouldn't be a big deal.
It was. There's no use comparing abuse and assault. When it happens to you it causes harm.
It sounds like you got out of the situation with him some time ago? Good for you!

The emotional betrayal and manipulation he used on you was utterly despicable. He used you horribly, he's a predator.

Have you talked to a therapist about this? It's worth working on so you can move past it.

 

[hodge]

@Colorado2, I also have been digitally raped and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. If I were you, I would report him to the police. The one thing you can be sure of is that you are not his only victim, but by reporting him, you can help stop him. It's called power via the justice system. You can play this power card! And we will be here to support you all the way.

 

[Naoru]

The legalities of the situation vary from state to state, if you are looking for specific legal terms for what happened.

Otherwise, the answers to your questions are "yes." This teacher used his position of trust and authority to take advantage of you. There is no comparison of trauma here; his manipulation and the pain he caused you are real and terrible.

Speaking to the authorities and your therapist are strongly recommended. It has taken me 16 years (holy crap, I just added that up in my head!) to fully admit the severity of an eerily similar situation in my past ... or present. I still talk to the teacher.

I commend you for getting out of this situation with him and reaching out for support. It was not your fault and there is hope for healing!

 

[Colorado2]

im seeing a therapist this week, but I've been before and it's just hard to bring up. Sometimes I plan to talk about it and I just feel like I cant/something is stopping me. It's been 8 years since the last time I saw him. Have you felt like that before? Any ideas for getting past that to be able to talk?

 

[Naoru]

Have you felt like that before? Any ideas for getting past that to be able to talk?

I wrote the general gist of it down to make T aware initially (with my other traumas) and have ever since referred to it as "the teacher thing." Lol I also asked a lot of questions regarding the t-relationship and sharing details (which, btw, is entirely up to you and your comfort level ;)). This isn't referenced too often as it's not one of my major traumas, but it was a source of shame and internal conflict.

I imagine your t will help you analyze why it is difficult for you to talk about at some point ... i.e. what's stopping you? what are your fears? It may feel like you should be able to talk about it with no problem - "after all, it has been 8 years" - but in actuality, your reasons and feelings behind it are likely quite complex. Time makes no difference.

I'm sorry, I have gotten long-winded today - my point is, don't beat yourself up about not being able to talk. You will when you are ready and your t will help you through it. :) Start small, write about it, say what you can and however you can to get it out there ... you can do this. :)

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story here. You helped me gain more clarity and courage with my own history. :hug: And good luck this week at your appointment.

 

[hodge]

I wrote out the list of my traumas here in my trauma diary, then copied and pasted it into an email to my new T. It helped a lot. Her approach is that talking about all this can retraumatize us. She's into therapies that help heal the traumatized brain, like Thought Field Therapy. She also did a training in Accelerated Resolution Therapy this weekend, and I think we're going to try that next.

Good luck to you :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

Any ideas for getting past that to be able to talk?

As many here will suggest, writing things out can help bridge that communication gap. I think your OP is really very clear, and you could just print that out and let the therapist read it, if you wanted to.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, and am glad you're here. Welcome.

 

[seedling]

It might help to talk about not being able to talk about it.
If you feel there is something stopping you (a familiar feeling for me), you could talk about that first.
That block can be there for protection. Sometimes you don't need the protection anymore, sometimes you do.
As you form a good relationship with your therapist and feel more secure you may be able to open up more easily.

It takes time, do what you are able to and recognize the strides you are taking to get better:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)