Confusion In Relationships

[FlowerGirl]

"Relationships" being used here to describe relation of any sort, not just romantic in nature.

So, I had a falling out with a friend recently. They were angry at me, saying I'd been talking about them behind their back. This was true, I had- and my immediate reaction to this conflict of ours was to go emotionally numb. I told my friend that I couldn't fully grasp that what I did was bad, and that was true. In my moment of emotional numbness, I truly couldn't. Of course, I recognize my actions as wrong, and took full responsibility for my mistake. My friend told me that they'd rather break things off with me, and that I was a bad person. Anyway, after the emotionally numbness wore off, I became very guilty and severely depressed. I also felt actively suicidal. I felt so horrible for not being able to understand what was truly wrong about what I'd done. Logically, I knew that talking about someone behind their back was very bad- but I just couldn't understand the affect this had on my friend. No matter how hard I try, I can't, but I deeply regret my actions and I wish I could undo it. My other friends were talking about them, and I just went along with them, thoughtlessly. Am I a bad person?

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

While this is in a different spectrum of understanding, I personally suffer from Asperger's syndrome and feeling empathy or putting myself in another's shoes can, at times, be very, very difficult, and I sympathize with that. I'm so, so sorry that you feel the way you do. :(

Right off the bat though, it's very important for you to remind yourself: you are not a bad person. Sometimes, good people do bad things, or make mistakes that they ultimately regret. You show guilt and remorse for your actions - empathy isn't required to comprehend right from wrong. Especially if you fall into periods of emotional numbness, sometimes, even trying to fathom how others are feeling when you can't even comprehend your own emotions is very, very straining and difficult.

Did your friend know you have PTSD? If they didn't, and if they didn't understand the symptoms and followings of emotional numbness, it is possible that they treated you with the same way they'd see a person who hasn't gone through trauma or illness: What do you mean you can't understand how it feels to be secretly talked about, how dare they say that they can't comprehend how that's wrong, etc. etc. Because they are expecting it to be "common sense", but in truth, when you're recovering from trauma, or even if you're suffering from depression, anxiety disorders or any other mental disorder, things that seem like "common sense" really aren't.

And finally, when other people do a similar action, the peer pressure to follow into a social circle can lead even perfectly healthy people to mimic collective behaviors. Other friends were doing it, and your mind drove towards doing so out of instinctive habit. It sucks, but it can happen. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're a good person - clearly by the fact that you're regretting your actions signifies that you are good. Sometimes, mistakes just happen, and it's unfortunate.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

First things first...Welcome (((:hug:Flower Girl :hug:)))
I am sending (((HUGS))) because you need to know that you are NOT a BAD PERSON!!! We have ALL done the same thing! You didn't initiate the conversation, and you didn't tell your friend that, which, I think was being loyal to the friends that DID start the conversation.

From my own experience with self-hate, and feeling suicidal, I think I would go through the same thoughts and emotions as you. When I disappoint someone, or think I have made them angry, the self-hate that I harbor deep inside comes FLOODING up and is VERY hard to control. It's a "knee-jerk" reaction that I have been working on for YEARS! I "learned" in some way, that expressing anger, disappointment, or any other negative emotion meant that I was horrible and that I deserved to be abandoned.

It is hard to get past losing a friend, there is no way around that. I think that whoever told your friend that she was being talked about, left out the part about THEM being in the same group? I could be wrong, but it seems that way.

I DO know that one incident cannot define WHO you are, and you don't deserve to be completely cut off since you admitted what you did and apologized.

I hope you get to feeling better. Feeling suicidal might be something that you have struggled with at some other point?

Hang in there, and come get acquainted around here? It's a great place to vent, learn, and be accepted with compassion, without judgement.

Peace to you!
AKJ

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @FlowerGirl , welcome. No I don't think that makes you a bad person.

It might not, however, make for the kind of friend she wants. Particularly if who she was spoken about to does not like her nor have the best of intentions towards her, or she values trust highly, or feels a friend would make it a big priority to have her back.

Or, perhaps, the talk about her was true? (I'm guessing either negative or private.) In which case though, you'd still have to wonder why others would have any interest speaking badly (of anyone). Surely there must be other topics than running someone down, or gossip, or prying? What might be their intention, in speaking behind her back & then having that info about you getting back to her? (As @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ said.)

I knew that talking about someone behind their back was very bad- but I just couldn't understand the affect this had on my friend. No matter how hard I try, I can't,

What makes it bad, in your estimation?

 

[StarChild]

Hi, @FlowerGirl, I'm very sorry that you lost a friend through your actions. And even though the saying goes "we learn from our mistakes", it doesn't prevent you or the ones you hurt, from experiencing loss, pain, self-doubts and other sad things. Learning from experience does also mean, that our actions always do have consequences. But nonetheless; your honesty is genuine, and also tells a lot of good things about your personality. Even at your young age, you show maturity and own your mistake. And that, young lady, is a thing, not many adults do, or are willing to step up to...

- I've quoted some of your statements from your first post in this thread. And I'm going to just write down, what crossed my mind while reading through it.

My other friends were talking about them,

What crossed my mind here was, that it seems as though you're having the wrong friends... The not genuine ones. And if they are engaging in talking bad about others behind their back, then they're almost 100% likely going to do so behind your back... And from my own life experience I can tell you, that no one needs or deserves such "friends". As they don't have your best interest at heart, but solely theirs. You're worth true friends who are genuine and whom you can trust.

They were angry at me, saying I'd been talking about them behind their back. This was true, I had

I think, that whoever told your friend that she was being talked about, left out the part about THEM being in the same group?

Yep, you're dead on @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ! As that's what I meant in my first answer; Someone must have told your friend, that you were talking behind their back. And whom other could that be, than someone from that group, who also badmouthed her on said occasion?...

and I just went along with them, thoughtlessly

It's not always easy to withstand a group, especially a group of "friends". But maybe there's something positive to learn and gain inner strength from, in that incident for you? I'm talking about practicing to say "no", or something along the line of "No, I don't feel it's okay to talk bad about someone who can not defend themselves". Anyway, to notice a certain (negative) group dynamic and then to clearly refuse to go along with it, will always take courage. But that's how situations like the one you described can help to shape and strengthen your personality. Wishing you all the best! :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk the circumstances but your friend might forgive it?

:hug: