I uncancelled an appointment (was so disoriented and beyond sad yesterday) and it was a good appointment. Instead of trying to give me more labels or talk about avoidance or borderline traits, but therapist went over how all of my stuff fits into a big bubble of "global high intensity complex trauma"...might be a bit of SE language there...the first part being problems at birth, multiple medical procedures and life support as they sucked my lungs up four years later...and other medical stuff down the road...and made complex by environmental conflict, abuse, negligence, no support, no love, just okay or terror. I learned at best not to need people. At worst, to fear them. I got recognition for doing well in school and have been riding that for 30 years. But my life feels empty. I don't want recognition. I want someone to care about me. And I want someone to need me, or want me in their life.
I'm lonely but aware of some of my avoidance cues: no eye contact, act confident or too busy, or aloof. I've been doing this forever because it was most acceptable growing up. These patterns won't change quickly, but a little awareness, will, and acceptance of my own limits should help in time....
So, she said I probably wouldn't have a violin student practice 8 hours a day right away, right? So I don't need to worry about this all day. Of all my distractions that now feel meaningless, I can cut back to those which actually give me peace...and enjoy doing those things alone. And when I want to get with others, I choose who to hang out with and what contexts feel safe. Ex. I just canceled a party out in the country...too far away, long event, my go-to best friend would not be there, and I feared no escape route after one hour of chit chat. I can do parties if I can leave in about an hour. So thinking less about dumping my whole group of friends and thinking more about just taking care of myself this weekend....and this event feels too stressful right now.
So I will take my dog to the dog park because I love watching him have fun. I'm a great colleague, but beyond that I struggle to ask for help....or even seem approachable so others could ask me for help. And that's really what I want...I want someone else to need my support. I want to feel useful to others outside of work, like I could support them emotionally...and like I could count on them in time of need. I feel very dumb for not having figured this out yet.
But my therapist reminded me my distractions weren't all bad...I was still doing good things, or good things for others. And, given my history, it is really hard to trust people and this will take time...but it is possible to grow. She said I might always struggle a bit (and appreciated that honesty because I was already feeling I might have to accept that....but it feels hopeful, even given this complicated complex, early-loaded trauma where safety meant isolating myself from my family, or being in ER, that I could still "learn" how to have more meaningful friendships. At the end of the session, she offered me two stuffed animals to take home (Love that I did not ask...it was her idea)...I took one and that helped me transition beyond her door and leave my unresolved stuff. I took the teddy with me, will take good care of it, and bring back neck week.
I went to the AA meeting I've been to for years, and finally told them I'm struggling and I don't know how to ask for help. A few of them told me to call if I wanted to go for a walk. WHEW. For me, it's all about learning where it is safe to feel a little vulnerable. And then let myself go there...and also offer to be there for others. Many hugs.
Anyone else feeling like they are making baby steps on the whole trusting and connecting thing? What helps? Or what is working for you? My therapist assures me that as my connection to myself improves, my connection to the outer world will as well, and that makes sense...I have to get beyond survival mode more often!
I'm lonely but aware of some of my avoidance cues: no eye contact, act confident or too busy, or aloof. I've been doing this forever because it was most acceptable growing up. These patterns won't change quickly, but a little awareness, will, and acceptance of my own limits should help in time....
So, she said I probably wouldn't have a violin student practice 8 hours a day right away, right? So I don't need to worry about this all day. Of all my distractions that now feel meaningless, I can cut back to those which actually give me peace...and enjoy doing those things alone. And when I want to get with others, I choose who to hang out with and what contexts feel safe. Ex. I just canceled a party out in the country...too far away, long event, my go-to best friend would not be there, and I feared no escape route after one hour of chit chat. I can do parties if I can leave in about an hour. So thinking less about dumping my whole group of friends and thinking more about just taking care of myself this weekend....and this event feels too stressful right now.
So I will take my dog to the dog park because I love watching him have fun. I'm a great colleague, but beyond that I struggle to ask for help....or even seem approachable so others could ask me for help. And that's really what I want...I want someone else to need my support. I want to feel useful to others outside of work, like I could support them emotionally...and like I could count on them in time of need. I feel very dumb for not having figured this out yet.
But my therapist reminded me my distractions weren't all bad...I was still doing good things, or good things for others. And, given my history, it is really hard to trust people and this will take time...but it is possible to grow. She said I might always struggle a bit (and appreciated that honesty because I was already feeling I might have to accept that....but it feels hopeful, even given this complicated complex, early-loaded trauma where safety meant isolating myself from my family, or being in ER, that I could still "learn" how to have more meaningful friendships. At the end of the session, she offered me two stuffed animals to take home (Love that I did not ask...it was her idea)...I took one and that helped me transition beyond her door and leave my unresolved stuff. I took the teddy with me, will take good care of it, and bring back neck week.
I went to the AA meeting I've been to for years, and finally told them I'm struggling and I don't know how to ask for help. A few of them told me to call if I wanted to go for a walk. WHEW. For me, it's all about learning where it is safe to feel a little vulnerable. And then let myself go there...and also offer to be there for others. Many hugs.
Anyone else feeling like they are making baby steps on the whole trusting and connecting thing? What helps? Or what is working for you? My therapist assures me that as my connection to myself improves, my connection to the outer world will as well, and that makes sense...I have to get beyond survival mode more often!
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