Continuing Therapy After A Break

[expectingbetter]

My therapist was on vacation for 2,5 months. It was really hard for me during all that time as I was seeing her twice a week before.
Now I have my first session after a break scheduled and I have very ambivalent feelings.
I have feelings like I wouldn't even want to go, like I don't have strength to start everything again as it was so hard before, part of me is so hurt with such a long break.
I can't even remember I had trust in her before this summer, it feels so strange, like I am going to someone who is completely foreign to me. I don't know why I feel this way but I do.
I don't want to quit therapy, I know I need it, I simply don't know how to behave right now when I feel so abandoned and hurt and like I have closed myself in a shell again.
Thank you in advance for any opinion.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Hi @expectingbetter I get it. My T has been away since July 1st. My last appointment was June 23. I always feel like September is "the beginning" all over again and yes, I do find that getting started is hard. Abandonment is a HUGE issue and the one person we're supposed to feel safe with is our Therapist. When they take off for a while, it makes complete sense that you would feel as you do.

Don't be afraid to just be yourself. However you feel or have felt is open and on the table. She's a Therapist. She can handle it! It's not just her job. It's who she is and who you are. Tell her exactly how you feel. If there's one thing that's so important is that we be able to feel free to trust and be completely open with them. If that trust is not there, then it either has to be rebuilt or she's not the right one.

If you've always been comfortable and feel safe with her in the past, you'll work through this with her. It's scary, but worth it. I have my first appointment next Thursday evening - Sept. 15th. I'm in the same boat as you are.

 

[expectingbetter]

@stp2012 It means a lot to hear that someone is feeling similar to me!
Mine last appointment was on 25th of June and the next is on this Friday, so we basically have had the break of same length!
It was extremely hard for me during the first month. Then how the time was passing by I was feeling only more and more far away from therapy concept in general.
It is really hard even to think of getting into all t hat once again.
Thank you for understanding my feelings.
I hope also that once I get there again I will manage to rebuild some trust.

 

[Mytime]

It must be very hard, going back to therapy after such a long break. I, myself have not experienced not seeing my therapist for that length of time, do to him being away.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry hit reply by accident,lol.
But I would like to share my opinion:).

I agree with being open about your feelings with your therapist.
You said it feel like starting over, but your therapist already knows your story.

I'm sure he/she will want to know how you have felt and grown in the time of his/her absence. Hopefully you'll see your growth, well your, talking about this time.
Talking is processing, you may not realize the progress you have done in this time. You had to work, to keep yourself grounded and moving forward.

Maybe, it's not so much of losing the trust of your therapist. Could it be, you have grown trust within yourself, your needs and support has changed. That,in its self can be scary.

I have had times when, I've felt scared of going to therapy and having to face the things I wish I could leave behind.
But I tell myself, 'I'm taking one step closer to my recovery '. I'm in control
of me.

I don't know if this helps, but I do believe. Your therapist wouldn't have left you on you own, without seeing someone in his/her absence if he/her didn't believe, trust or have faith in you.

I hope everything go well, sending support and hugs if you expect:).

 

[rosey]

I have had therapy breaks and the same anxiety about returning. However each time i returned it felt fine within a few minutes of being back.

 

[expectingbetter]

@Mytime yes, at least I have seen I have survived on my own, without her, I wouldn't have had courage to try that if she hadn't left herself.
No wonder I feel this way after such a long pause when I tend to be scared in front of any regular session. Now it's only a bit enhanced.
It is really a strange feeling that I was feeling like I would die without her support when she left and now when she is back I feel like I would rather skip seeing her. It looks like a childish reaction of myself.
Thanks for hugs and support, much appreciated :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I can't even remember I had trust in her before this summer, it feels so strange, like I am going to someone who is completely foreign to me.

I've had the experience that if a break is too long, my therapist stops feeling real to me and it takes some time to get back to the level of comfort with each other that we had before.

2.5 months is a really, really long time when you are used to such frequent sessions. Did your therapist help you form any kind of plan for substitute care while they were gone? It seems logical to me that they would. I can understand that a part of you feels hurt, and congratulate you on being to recognize that it is a part and not all of you.

I suppose maybe it's like riding a bicycle: you never forget, but it can take a while to feel steady on it again. Maybe take it really slowly and don't try to jump in where you left off.

 

[sun seeker]

It looks like a childish reaction of myself.

That sounds like a GREAT place to start working. A good therapist should not be afraid of childish reactions. If we were all perfectly grown up, we wouldn't need therapy, would we? So don't be ashamed of your reaction, but welcome it and bring it up and let her help you with it. That's what I'd probably do, anyway.

 

[expectingbetter]

@sun seeker
thank you so much for your kind response

I was in touch with her during the summer, she allowed me to write emails to her and she replied to the majority of it but I was using that basically only during the first month and then I simply closed myself in a shell again and wasn't able to share almost any word with her (I supposed here comes again the childish reaction)

I had my first session after a break on Friday and I was terrified in advance and had very intense physical reaction but the therapist really surprised me as she was so kind towards me in a way I have never been used to. I can't even remember the most of the stuff we talked about that first time but I know I wasn't able to give her response even to very easy and common questions. I am a bit apprehensive I could again become so closed towards her I and it took me many months to gain trust in her the first time.
How could that be all gone? I really hope it will be back soon, now when I survived the break of such length I really want to stick to this therapist and not to go to anyone else. But I need to trust her and to feel safe with her.
I also hope it will be like you said - like with riding a bike, the most valuable is the fact that I really believe she is a good match for me as a therapist and I know for me rarely anybody would be such good match.

As for growing up perfectly, heh, not only haven't I grown up perfectly but I feel like I am nowhere near grown up still. A lot of work must be done before I could say I am a grown up.

Thanks sincerely for your words!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Well, I say YAY you for going and taking the risk! Everything you've said makes perfect sense and it sounds as though you have a very understanding therapist who is most likely to just meet you where you are.

 

[expectingbetter]

@stp2012
thanks :)
yes, it is good I have found courage, you people have helped me finding it!
I hope your therapist will be enough kind to you too on your session on the 15th! I know how much it means to us!
We need them to be patient and caring and we do deserve to have such support.