learningaboutptsd
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i am dealing for 2,5 years with an angel and a devil. Since almost 18 months she is 2 times a week in the hospital busy with something. It all started when i commented about the alcohol abuse. Almost every day there was a need to drink a bit all day long. I commented that if i was you, i would visit a doctor. It ended with an big explosion, but looked like some eye-opener. In the beginning i could read the diagnose. Multiple childhood trauma's and traits of bpd. I know she doesnt like the sticker, so my gut feeling says that the psychiatrist put it in such way "traits". End of december she had a major collapse, i called everybody around that things where not good. Her ex mother in law (acting as a parent, she lost her oldest sister, and parents in one year). Went together with her to the hospital. I visited her the first day, and i could see the shame when i walked in. Pushed her face in her hands, and turned away. We had a small chat, she kicked me out and ended the relationship for about 6 weeks. For me this was the first time, an brutal experience to be switched off in a blink of an eye. Thankfully she forced me before this to talk about myself at an psychologist. That gave a lot of insights. She didnt know my psychologist prepared me to stand straight and dont get fall again so quickly. Time passes by, in august she had a 2nd collapse, and 5 weeks ago a third. In the second collapse i was allowed to visit her on regular basis. It was all good, i was supportive. In the third collapse i was allowed for the first time to attend to a weekly conversation about what was going on and what way she is moving. I can only say "jaw dropping", and must be so scary and shamefull for her. They talked about secure living environment. At the end of the conversation she went outside, to smoke a sigaret. She forced me in the corner, what way are we moving as a couple ?. She want to live together, and i also. I told her i dont like threads and demands, and the way she behaved she is hurting me. Told her that i will move out my current situation, with my boys. And because she talks so much about safe. Told her that the current situation is absolute not safe for me and the boys. For me safety means i dont have to worry to get kicked out as soon rage comes in. I have 2 little children, they come first. And that she is breaking everything around her. She turned away, didnt say a word. And its not i didnt want. I am prepared to adjust a lot. Going to therapy together, work on it. I could reach her very good, and sometimes even had the feeling that her inner child was included in the conversations. She got 8 days extra in the hospital. I suspect shme made a big scene and fit. After the hospital she moved to a old school friend to calm down. Till yesterday.
Couple days after the incident she sended me promised invitations for a retrait. I went, but didnt reply. She needed space. After three weeks she called, and wanted her keys back. I went to her and we talked. Like the last 9 months i was calm, friendly, not angry. What her mouth said was not in sync with her body language. She said at the end that talking like this physical hurt, and making a fuzz would be way easyer. I understand that, but all in me was calm. It is also about my feelings.
In the beginning she was very distance, no hugs, no coming close, angry and grumpy. Halfway she started to smile and noted that since weeks this was the first time she could laugh about something.
She said relationship is over, for good. That it was toxic. Yes i can see from her perspective it was toxic. But i wasnt the one that pushes away. But the things she said, where projections that i can relate. We talked about some struggles we had. Me not moving quicker and some extra topics. I explained that the push and pull dynamics is not a safeground for me. That i didnt accept that anymore. She also said that after this she didnt want to see me ever again. I know i could talk her back in to it. But i grabbed her, and said it is ok. She was shaking and very upset, it was a heartbreaking moment. Closing to the end she told me about the next steps. That she gets complex ptsd treatments including clinical part. And DGT therapy. So that is a big move, i think the trigger to make such step was the major turn down for not living together right now and the phrase you break everything around you. The hospital still believe in bpd, she dont agree with that. And got now cptsd theray as advuce. Me stepping down has nothing to do with not loving her. But she has an 8 year old son, that didnt see his mom for 4/5 months this last 9 months. His happiness is coming absolute before mine!
The breakup was based on two points. 1 i didnt respect her bounderies. I visited her to hug and see her while she didnt want. I was leaving for work for 5 days. In a normal relationship it wouldn't be a big deal. Quiet normal if you love each other. At that moment she was complete emotional down. She has her view on this one, i have mine. The 2nd point was me sending a letter that i didnt accept the push pull dynamics anymore. I want to be involved. I ask for long time handles to navigate in a proper way. And handles means for me working together. But handles also means acknowledge that there maybe something was not right at her side. (dont get me wrong, not blaming here)
I told her i was very proud of this big step, and that i take step away and dont seek contact. That is what she asked from me, dont seek contact. Love is also letting go. If that makes her process better, and her life livable. I am the last one to stand in between that. Later she allready moved a bit that if there will be contact again, it will be after those treatments. But she is really scared what will be left of her. I assured her that if she finds the time right, dont hesitate to contact me.
She was broken, in physical pain to leave me behind. Dropped her of at the central station. We had a nice but very sad goodbye. Hugs, some hand holding a small kisses. I kept it a bit on distance. I prefer to let her go so she could focus 100% on treatment. I told during our 4 last hours i still love her, madly in love. But go do your thing. I miss her every day.
Is there any chance she will come back after the treatments ? We left in a peaceful way, no anger. Very peaceful. I know she is very stubborn, and at the moment in a rational state. She was honest about it. The real kick-in will follow later. In 2 weeks my birthday is coming, and she was already busy with it. Also i am allowed to stay in contact with her little boy. I explained her, he lost already so much last year, and i know he likes me and my children. As a parent everything in me tells me to be there for him too. Also i can imagine that boy has questions. Questions that i maybe i can answer in a proper way. So not al ties are cut. But major pushout.
I am willing to live together if she undergoes her treatments and if there will be couples counselling / treatment after. If there is a way for a more healthy dynamic, i am absolute in for it. i cannot think a better person for the children than she is. I dont hold any grudge. I also understand that not everything will be sunshine even after therapy. But willing to work for 200% on it.
I am upset, but it was for me not a surprise anymore. Because what happened before, i was mental strong and prepared.
Someone that can relate with their own situation ? What are the odds ? In the weeks i had her keys, i left her some letters. We used to write eachother letters, and make pictures and send them. She didnt collect and read them yet. She is curious, and she know they are there. But can also understand she will not read them in a short term. Just to protect herself. No quick text messages, hand written letters. I also left her al my letters in writting. She has al the captures of the letters, but now also the real ones. Left a small note that this was for me absolute no game. One letter is very precise. Future == fighting. I really offered her to get in some sort of therapy together. That i see the patterns and circles, that i know her thoughts are taken over. That i dont run away from it. That i really like her the person she is. For myself i keep writing everyday. What keeps me busy, what it means for me etc etc. Her social circle is very small, and i am not the only one that got pushed out. Het little sister also recieved the message no contact, and dont ask questions.
On top of all this, there are so many stress factors she created. Like big pile of triggers that wont go away very quickly. What i understood is that she absolute dont want any help, and do everything on her own. That attitude brought her at the point she is standing now. The people that love and care about her, really want to help. But dont get any chance for it.
Everyday i am twisting my fingers not to send a message that i think about her. Everyday i tell myself i have to respect her boundaries. But it feels like a minefield. Make contact is like not accepting boundaries. No contact is making the fear of abandonment real. I am standing still with two choises. Both are not good....
I know nobody is the same. Thank you !
sidenote: i am not native Englisch. If it sound harsh, it is absolute not my intention. Only full love and understanding.
Couple days after the incident she sended me promised invitations for a retrait. I went, but didnt reply. She needed space. After three weeks she called, and wanted her keys back. I went to her and we talked. Like the last 9 months i was calm, friendly, not angry. What her mouth said was not in sync with her body language. She said at the end that talking like this physical hurt, and making a fuzz would be way easyer. I understand that, but all in me was calm. It is also about my feelings.
In the beginning she was very distance, no hugs, no coming close, angry and grumpy. Halfway she started to smile and noted that since weeks this was the first time she could laugh about something.
She said relationship is over, for good. That it was toxic. Yes i can see from her perspective it was toxic. But i wasnt the one that pushes away. But the things she said, where projections that i can relate. We talked about some struggles we had. Me not moving quicker and some extra topics. I explained that the push and pull dynamics is not a safeground for me. That i didnt accept that anymore. She also said that after this she didnt want to see me ever again. I know i could talk her back in to it. But i grabbed her, and said it is ok. She was shaking and very upset, it was a heartbreaking moment. Closing to the end she told me about the next steps. That she gets complex ptsd treatments including clinical part. And DGT therapy. So that is a big move, i think the trigger to make such step was the major turn down for not living together right now and the phrase you break everything around you. The hospital still believe in bpd, she dont agree with that. And got now cptsd theray as advuce. Me stepping down has nothing to do with not loving her. But she has an 8 year old son, that didnt see his mom for 4/5 months this last 9 months. His happiness is coming absolute before mine!
The breakup was based on two points. 1 i didnt respect her bounderies. I visited her to hug and see her while she didnt want. I was leaving for work for 5 days. In a normal relationship it wouldn't be a big deal. Quiet normal if you love each other. At that moment she was complete emotional down. She has her view on this one, i have mine. The 2nd point was me sending a letter that i didnt accept the push pull dynamics anymore. I want to be involved. I ask for long time handles to navigate in a proper way. And handles means for me working together. But handles also means acknowledge that there maybe something was not right at her side. (dont get me wrong, not blaming here)
I told her i was very proud of this big step, and that i take step away and dont seek contact. That is what she asked from me, dont seek contact. Love is also letting go. If that makes her process better, and her life livable. I am the last one to stand in between that. Later she allready moved a bit that if there will be contact again, it will be after those treatments. But she is really scared what will be left of her. I assured her that if she finds the time right, dont hesitate to contact me.
She was broken, in physical pain to leave me behind. Dropped her of at the central station. We had a nice but very sad goodbye. Hugs, some hand holding a small kisses. I kept it a bit on distance. I prefer to let her go so she could focus 100% on treatment. I told during our 4 last hours i still love her, madly in love. But go do your thing. I miss her every day.
Is there any chance she will come back after the treatments ? We left in a peaceful way, no anger. Very peaceful. I know she is very stubborn, and at the moment in a rational state. She was honest about it. The real kick-in will follow later. In 2 weeks my birthday is coming, and she was already busy with it. Also i am allowed to stay in contact with her little boy. I explained her, he lost already so much last year, and i know he likes me and my children. As a parent everything in me tells me to be there for him too. Also i can imagine that boy has questions. Questions that i maybe i can answer in a proper way. So not al ties are cut. But major pushout.
I am willing to live together if she undergoes her treatments and if there will be couples counselling / treatment after. If there is a way for a more healthy dynamic, i am absolute in for it. i cannot think a better person for the children than she is. I dont hold any grudge. I also understand that not everything will be sunshine even after therapy. But willing to work for 200% on it.
I am upset, but it was for me not a surprise anymore. Because what happened before, i was mental strong and prepared.
Someone that can relate with their own situation ? What are the odds ? In the weeks i had her keys, i left her some letters. We used to write eachother letters, and make pictures and send them. She didnt collect and read them yet. She is curious, and she know they are there. But can also understand she will not read them in a short term. Just to protect herself. No quick text messages, hand written letters. I also left her al my letters in writting. She has al the captures of the letters, but now also the real ones. Left a small note that this was for me absolute no game. One letter is very precise. Future == fighting. I really offered her to get in some sort of therapy together. That i see the patterns and circles, that i know her thoughts are taken over. That i dont run away from it. That i really like her the person she is. For myself i keep writing everyday. What keeps me busy, what it means for me etc etc. Her social circle is very small, and i am not the only one that got pushed out. Het little sister also recieved the message no contact, and dont ask questions.
On top of all this, there are so many stress factors she created. Like big pile of triggers that wont go away very quickly. What i understood is that she absolute dont want any help, and do everything on her own. That attitude brought her at the point she is standing now. The people that love and care about her, really want to help. But dont get any chance for it.
Everyday i am twisting my fingers not to send a message that i think about her. Everyday i tell myself i have to respect her boundaries. But it feels like a minefield. Make contact is like not accepting boundaries. No contact is making the fear of abandonment real. I am standing still with two choises. Both are not good....
I know nobody is the same. Thank you !
sidenote: i am not native Englisch. If it sound harsh, it is absolute not my intention. Only full love and understanding.
