Hi, and welcome to you. I am sorry, I'm waiting for Tylenol to kick in so hope this makes sense. I read your original post and the last, sorry I can't do more.
You said:
She grew up homeschooled with all of her siblings in a catholic strict household. For example, living at home at 28 she still has a curfew otherwise her dad yells at her. She fears her parents and wanta to make them happy and proud, seeking validation by doing right constantly. An example of this was when she started college it was for a career they suggested. Being in this environment, she has social anxiety and thus has 0 friends. All the years I was with her she made 3 friends and cut them out within 2-3 hangouts.
and
Now her father is a great person (?), yet he is strict and he has autism. She never shared with her parents all the details. Simply the details of the accident. Before the accident I was at her house 2/7 days in a week I would say because that way my ex and I could see each other because she liked being at home. Then 2/7 days at my house. And 1 of those 4 days we would do a full date all day or all night. Anyways, since the accident her father grew very resentful to me. Despite my apology in writing, and even in person. He would argue with my ex that she needed to break up with me and that I was not a good person because I let her get on a dangerous machine. Mind you my ex is 27 and I am not controlling thus I did what I could by warning my cousin to be safe and giving them helmets. So her father blamed me, and he told I am not allowed over to their house. So now, my ex and I only saw each other at my house and less. Even so, my ex told me that she had to lie to her father where she was going because he would consistently yell at her to break up with me because I am not a good person for letting her get hurt.
I understand you say you are close to the family, but from what you've described no one else is allowed to be close. There is a difference between strict and controlling. And at late 20's- when many people are already independent and raising their own families- it's not appropriate to use the leverage of family tie--severing vs living one's life in a normal, healthy and independent way. Nor should it be expected one's family is going to necessarily support you (nor support you financially), or agree with life-altering decisions like choosing a career or spouse.
Notwithstanding most dads would be upset their 'child' got hurt; still, in your late 20;s the people involved need to take responsibility.
She said we have 3 options, keep our baby, give our baby up for adoption, or abortion. I tell her thats okay and we go to her therapist. During this session she breaks down crying because she is worried about everything, she speaks for atleast have of the session about her parents and why she is worried they will disown her, and why she is worried about their opinion about premarital sex and a baby our of marriage. We leave with the therapist telling us to come back in a week with pros and cons for each option.
Right here ^^^ again you're not only giving an example of the toxic influence and control, but both also missing the point it's both of 'your' baby and relationship, to decide how to proceed.
After seeing her cry and worry, I spent the next month looking for work 8 hours a day. Yet it was covid layoffs happening and so I couldnt find squat. Anyways, a week later I bring my pros, my cons, as does she. I preface the talk with saying I want to keep our baby, I have been looking for work, and I dont want her parents to be a reason why we choose something like this. Then I also say I will continue to step up.
We give our pros and cons for each and hers are mostly focused on her parents and the lack of financial security. I understand and we talk about the options in therapy.
Another week and at this point we are going together to all of the doctors appointments. She talks to me and asks me what do I want to do? I tell her she seems pretty set on abortion based on our talk in therapy, that I want to keep our baby, but if not then I still want children in our future. She tells me she is leaning on abortion, and I tell her I will have to support this decision.
I understand you've been fully trying to and feeling like you're supporting her ^^, and I no way mean this unkindly and feel badly for both of you. But tbh it both sounds like you missed out on the communication, or miscoommunicated, and I am surprised the T didn't mention it. She sounds like she assigned much meaning to your actions/ inactions and reactions, and not necessarily was correct about how you felt. Similarly, the problem no one mentioned is dealing with her relationship to her parents. And even if you meant the best trying to scramble for work, she may have seen that as distancing. However, by late 20's and speaking of a serious relationship and commitment (before the baby even appeared) you both perhaps weren't yet mature enough to take in to consideration the financial realities (yes, I realize covid is here for the last year).
Finally she and I go to a doctors appointment and the whole time I am nervous because the night before I was highly debating buying an engagement ring and proposing to her. Yet, I was arguing with myself because I didnt want her to feel like I was doing this only because of the situation. During this appointment I was in my head and distant as I contemplated it. Afterwards, she mentioned how my actions were pretty clear in this appointment that I was against having our baby. I told her I was only distant because I have something on my mind I cannot share with her, because mentally I still hadnt decided. She didn't believe me. I couldnt pull the trigger because like I said I didnt want her to resent me thinking that I was only doing it for this reason.
^^ It sounds like you actually were contemplating it just because of that reason. However, needless to say, and especially from all you've described, 'being in your head' very likely was misinterpreted, and you didn't clarify why. Just as your panic attack was misinterpreted. Without discussing that the panic came from fear of unpreparedness, rather than OMG, a worse-case-scenario-I-am-stuck-with-you, who knows what she thought? Again, to know what you're both thinking, you'd both have to communicate and listen. And start challenging the stories of what you're telling yourselves, and not each other.
I slipped out and we take a walk and she is hurt, her dad told her that if she didnt get me off their property he was going to divorce her mom because of her.
^^ This floors me, and if nothing else highlights the dysfunctional control her father exerts. Not to mention her poor mother. What a way to live.
She tells me that she has had so much clarity the last 3 weeks. She said that she realized first that I broke her trust and that really hurt, but then being she was in such a vulnerable place from this moment with the accident that when she had to decide about our baby, that I WAS THE REASON she chose to have the abortion. She goes on to say that my actions showed her I didnt want to have our baby with her, that my actions of having a panic attack and being distant were clear to her (despite me never once thinking I didnt want to have our baby with her). She broke down telling me this and I simply told her repeatedly I am sorry you believe that but that was not the case and it seems what I tell you, you do not believe. She said my actions were clear. So she essentially blamed me for our abortion, and the accident. Yet I chose her in the accident by both supporting her and blocking my family, as well, with the abortion I was supportive of her and keeping our baby, not to mention she never brought this up ans her reasons were focused on her parents opinion and her fear of that.
^^ Again, this is a very sad example of the miscommunication and story telling. But without the ability to challenge the stories together, and to actually trust, I don't think there's a way to overcome it.
And unfortunately, people usually give in terms of support that they would like to receive, or in the way 'they' personally view support, not necessarily what the other person needs to feel like they are understood or heard. So, you may (or may not?, Idk) have needed calmness and understanding about your panic attack, and gave that to her. She may have needed you to be a more active presence against her father's demands, and to challenge her stories.
My therapist mentioned that I should look into a not very common term to ease my mind, Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia. He mentioned this after he asked me to think about the relationship outside of the last year and breaking up.
To which I noticed she really really fears any form of perceived rejection. As seen with her parents obviously. But also in the times I tried to push her into social interactions to meet friends. For example, she had a class friend, I suggested to invite her over for a movie night when we lived together. Mind the fact that my ex doesnt have friends and considers her siblings her friends because shes close with them. Anyways, the girl said maybe, then told my ex she had to study the day of the hangout. But maybe 2-3 hours later she seen this girl on snapchat at a bar. My ex felt very sad and hurt. She felt like this girl didnt like her and didnt want to be friends so my ex moved seats in class and completely stopped talking to her.
During breaking up she mentioned to me and this is a direct quote, "When I told you I was pregnant, you had your panic attack, and I knew at that moment you were not the man I thought you were. If you love someone you would not have put them through the pain and heartbreak you put me through in that moment. I had never felt more rejected in my life when your anxiety flared and you panicked."
I don't think this is RSD ^^; it was a tumultuous shock to both of you. But obviously she drew different conclusions from your anxiety that were never sorted.
As I mentioned above and gave examples to my last reply to JGTRG, my therapist wanted me to bring examples outside of the last year of trauma. When I did he mentioned to ease my mind to look into Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I got this sense that he is trying to open my eyes to see that maybe throughout the relationship she wasnt as mentally healthy as I thought because I had her on a pedastal. He said he isn't by any means diagnosing but given context to possibly help come to some resolve of the blame she placed on me.
Idk what your T meant ^^, but are you sure he didn't mean RSD for you? From what I know of RSD, it is self-reported by about 90 (if not 100)% ) of most people with Attention Deficit Disorder (I don't know if it exists otherwise), and associated with more extreme responses due to executive functioning differences, and in response to 'real or perceived rejection' (even if you don't care about the person). But it may also show up as fear- like the visuals that all of a sudden accompany a worse-case scenario, like a close car is going to end in a horrific crash, or even sensitivities, like chewing sounds of a person nearby. (It is also associated in a positive way with exquisite sensitivity, btw).
For example when she told me she was unhappy because of me and our relationship then continued to say that she is suicidal because of me and our relationship. This killed me. I felt panic because this was a time I couldnt be there for her as shes pushing me away and breaking up with me. I called her sister I am close to and shared these details and told her to try not to pry at her but be there to listen to her and support her. But also now where I am at, its hard to manage my own emotions and I try to unpack that she felt suicidal because of me and unhappy because of me when she NEVER mentioned this prior to breaking up. She would tell me she was unhappy when she thought about the accident, my family members, the panic attack, and the abortion, thus she didnt want to think about those things and tried not to. But never once did she communicate that she was connecting me to her unhappiness.
When she would mention the unhappiness with these topics, I would ask if I could do anything. She simply would say she needs time to heal and process.
^^ This is totally wrong: she's suicidal because she's suicidal. Which might have much to do with the fact she cannot live her life free of her parent's influence, which is actually destroying her and definitely impacting greatly on decisions that should have been her's to make. Her 'processing' sounds more like finding ways to reconcile she can't make decisions away from her parents' approval, and finding evidence you were harmful +/or not helpful.
i am very sorry for you both for your situation. But I can only say, because you are nearly in your 30's, there comes a time only you each could stand up and take responsibility for what you choose and how you feel. Neither one of you can 'make' each other feel any particular way, but you can reveal to each other what stories you tell yourselves and the conclusions you draw and work together on those. At this point however, I don't see it possible unless you both bring to the situation much brutal self-honesty and self-ownership, tremendous compassion for one another, maturity, and someone addresses the elephant in the room, that being the rigidity and unhealthy control of the relationship to her parents. Because FWIW, if she wanted to be with you, and you with her, her parents disowning her wouldn't likely stop her. And similarly, you might have started planning and working long ago to also make that a future reality, including financially. But just as equally, I don't think you'd want someone who's motivation to be with you was solely to get away from parental control. Etc.
I only say this humbly, because Idk what is causing what, and have no credentials to even guess. I do know if people love each other, or are mature enough to do so without self-interest and pride, compassion for the other will override other-blame. But, that doesn't mean it removes responsibility for each person to work on themselves or take ownership of their actions. It does mean however it's worth trying to understand each other and male sure you know each other's needs and meet each other's (both of you). JMHO however.
And another person wrote this today, hope it's ok to quote from another thread:
"When our fear system becomes sensitised in response to trauma, our experiences are distorted by a mesh of hyper-vigilance and distrust. Thus we scan our external world for the dangers that we perceive to be surrounding us [Chisholm, Hrdy, Nesse1]; we scan our relational world for the abandonment or attacks that we perceive to be inevitable [Hrdy, Nesse, Nijenhuis, Schore, Siegel, Woodman]; and we scan our inner world for the essential wrongness that we perceive to be part of our makeup/
-Daniela Sieff Book-understanding and healing emotional trauma".
Idk what either of your traumas were/ are, but you've both had plenty lately with what you've described. I'm sorry it turned out this way.