Relationship My ex with CPTSD blamed me for everything, and I am left feeling like I am nothing.

GrayOwl

MyPTSD Pro
Keep it simple.
It takes practice.
It took me lots of practice and counselling.
I spent years analyzing it every which way I could.
Until I realized.
What they meant.

Keep it simple.

Knowledge and healing come with time. Not always by picking at them incessantly.
Be sure to enjoy life life and feel good about yourself along the way.
You sound like a caring person.

That was not meant as something to analyze too much.
Practice feeling good and finding your positives.
Simply.

There is some tough love and sage advice here.
I hope you find answers and direction and most importantly some serenity.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
All I read was the title. I don’t have to read anything else. My wife of 31 years blames me for everything. We stayed together, but it’s really maddening. We laugh now sometimes in lucid moments, but she never deviated from it. No matter what happens or doesn’t, it’s my fault in the end. Plus she’s a “winner” and extremely competitive so, if something were her fault that’d mean she lost. Won’t happen as long as she has me around. I’m the diagnosed one. She has a trauma history, but she won’t tell anyone. Lol. Breaking up hurts, sorry.
 

LostPossum

New Here
All I read was the title. I don’t have to read anything else. My wife of 31 years blames me for everything. We stayed together, but it’s really maddening. We laugh now sometimes in lucid moments, but she never deviated from it. No matter what happens or doesn’t, it’s my fault in the end. Plus she’s a “winner” and extremely competitive so, if something were her fault that’d mean she lost. Won’t happen as long as she has me around. I’m the diagnosed one. She has a trauma history, but she won’t tell anyone. Lol. Breaking up hurts, sorry.
Thanks for responding. You should read the rest honestly. Its not like little things she blames me for. Its things that have made me have mental issues myself now from the blame.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I got continuously blamed, abusively, from childhood, by my Ma, and then through into a very long term relationship that involved children for 20 years +..

It's not a relationship, it's a 'manipulationship", when it's like that.

It's very corrosive and disempowering because it's manipulation.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Is this manipulation that she was doing in my case?
I don't know her so I couldn't tell you if she is being manipulative. It seems that way. I just meant I liked the term. It doesn't matter if she believes she is right, she is not taking responsibility for her actions. She is NOT the victim here. Having PTSD doesn't give you the freedom to behave in any way you want. No, it gives you the onus of learning how to control your behavior despite having PTSD. I really think a long term relationship with her would end up causing you, and any children horrid distress.
 

LostPossum

New Here
I don't know her so I couldn't tell you if she is being manipulative. It seems that way. I just meant I liked the term. It doesn't matter if she believes she is right, she is not taking responsibility for her actions. She is NOT the victim here. Having PTSD doesn't give you the freedom to behave in any way you want. No, it gives you the onus of learning how to control your behavior despite having PTSD. I really think a long term relationship with her would end up causing you, and any children horrid distress.
Yah I agree, I think in a way were both victims, but definitely not just her which is how she made it seem. It felt like I could not be depressed or sad or anything. She even said when I told her I was depressed that, "everyone is depressed, you cant use that as an excuse" to which I said I am not excusing anything I am simply trying to explain myself.

Right now in therapy, my therapist said I may have ptsd now because I tell how scared I am to the idea of dating someone new with the fear of them blaming me and leaving me like I meant nothing to them, despite all the time and effort I did put in.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Have you had major trauma? I don't recall having read that but my memory is not the best. The criteria for PTSD requires a severe trauma. That doesn't mean you aren't suffering, or that you don't have another diagnosis that would better fit, but PTSD is a horrible mental illness to live with. I would be suspicious of a therapist that would suggest PTSD because you are afraid to date someone new. That sounds to me like a pretty normal reaction to what you've been through. I would worry if you weren't afraid. Even if the fear is all encompassing now, it should heal with time.

I'm sorry you have gone through all this with someone who doesn't deserve your kindness and care. It is horrid to go through but you are reaching out for help and trying to find explanations that you can live with. I wish the best for you.
 

Freida

Sponsor
Ok - I'm a bit confused

I may have missed it but has she been diagnosed with ptsd (by a professional) or are you assuming she has it because she has traumatic events in her past?

Because those are two very different things. PTSD comes with a very specific criteria and diagnosis and it's entirely possible to have a trauma history and not develop ptsd.

Would she be behaving like this if she had ptsd? Possibly
Would that excuse it? Absolutely not.
PTSD doesn't give us the right to treat people like our personal pinatas

Reading your post it looks like she is basically blaming you for all the bad decisions in her life because she is refusing to take responsibility for her choices. That sounds more like immaturity than ptsd.

But even if it was ptsd it's still not acceptable.
Even if it's BPD or narcissism or depression or whatever label you want to put on it ....its' not acceptable.

Right now she has you to blame and her level of manipulation is astounding.
Your choice is if you will take that on
But a bigger question is -- Why do you want someone like this in your life?
I know you love her, but I wonder if its because you want to rescue her? That's pretty common among supporters -- they think they can be the one to "save" us by taking on all our issues. But nope. It doesn't work that way.

The only ones who can fix us are us. And shes made it pretty clear that she has no desire to do that work.

Looking at your other posts about her avoiding you? I have to agree with the others.
It's not avoidance
It's a break up.
Let her go
Because until she fixes her own issues she won't change and there is nothing you can do to help her. She will just continue to blame you for everything she doesn't like about her life

Even if you were part of the initial situation, how she chooses to deal with the aftermath is on her. If her choice (like your aunt's) is to blame others - well, that's her choice

But for you?
You deserve better.
 

LostPossum

New Here
Ok - I'm a bit confused

I may have missed it but has she been diagnosed with ptsd (by a professional) or are you assuming she has it because she has traumatic events in her past?

Because those are two very different things. PTSD comes with a very specific criteria and diagnosis and it's entirely possible to have a trauma history and not develop ptsd.

Would she be behaving like this if she had ptsd? Possibly
Would that excuse it? Absolutely not.
PTSD doesn't give us the right to treat people like our personal pinatas

Reading your post it looks like she is basically blaming you for all the bad decisions in her life because she is refusing to take responsibility for her choices. That sounds more like immaturity than ptsd.

But even if it was ptsd it's still not acceptable.
Even if it's BPD or narcissism or depression or whatever label you want to put on it ....its' not acceptable.

Right now she has you to blame and her level of manipulation is astounding.
Your choice is if you will take that on
But a bigger question is -- Why do you want someone like this in your life?
I know you love her, but I wonder if its because you want to rescue her? That's pretty common among supporters -- they think they can be the one to "save" us by taking on all our issues. But nope. It doesn't work that way.

The only ones who can fix us are us. And shes made it pretty clear that she has no desire to do that work.

Looking at your other posts about her avoiding you? I have to agree with the others.
It's not avoidance
It's a break up.
Let her go
Because until she fixes her own issues she won't change and there is nothing you can do to help her. She will just continue to blame you for everything she doesn't like about her life

Even if you were part of the initial situation, how she chooses to deal with the aftermath is on her. If her choice (like your aunt's) is to blame others - well, that's her choice

But for you?
You deserve better.
She has been diagnosed with ptsd by her therapist (psychiatrist I believe), idk if she was diagnosed before but from the accident she was diagnosed and when I would go with her to therapy her therapist would bring up her ptsd. Her primary doctor diagnosed her with adjustment disorder after the accident. But my ex runs with PTSD when she talks about the ladt year, so I would assume that. She has been seeing this therapist for about 8 years since she was sexually assaulted with her first relationship. She met me about 2 years after that, and she honestly only talked about it about 3 times and each time she would cry and talk about how its hard for her to trust. Which I took to heart and did everything I could our entire relationship not to break that trust.

If it is immaturity, that would surprise me because she seemingly was very mature. But maybe emotional immaturity? I heard emotional immaturity is not always shown and can come out around negative moments or trauma etc.

I dont know if it was on this forum or another, but someone mentioned she was holding these idealized expectations and when she didnt get her way or her expectations met, then she had to lash out on me. As well as how she is seemingly inexperienced in dating as I was her first serious relationship and she had been sheltered much of her and still to an extent of her life.

Like I feel a part of me did do what I could and had she been more mature as you put it she would have been more understanding. And maybe with time she will see how much I did care and put into our relationship because not every person is like that. Similarly to her idealized expectations, maybe she will realize that as well. I cant say though as nor can anyone but her with time.

Sorry for seperate post here. Couldnt edit my previous to add this.

I just felt like it has been avoidance because she said we could be friends, then a week later said its not working (I messaged her once because she just got accepted to her masters so I congratulated her). Her actions of removing me completely from her life despite telling me we could be friends, just seemed drastic and avoidance as it was a removal to an extreme way.

As well as avoidance of the topic of our abortion, I realize its a tough topic and I would never want to force her to talk about it, but also if there was resentment or blame being held, I felt we should unpack it. But she altogether wanted to sweep it under the rug and hold that blame.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
If it is immaturity, that would surprise me because she seemingly was very mature.

I would argue that a 28 year old woman who lets her parents control her life is not mature. That, and blaming everything and everyone for her own actions and decisions when things don’t go her way.

As I said before, as much as it hurts now you probably dodged a bullet. In-laws running your marriage would not be fun at all.
 
Top