Relationship What would happen if I just went home?

millie0513

Not Active
Greetings!

While my story is so eerily similar to so many, I believe there enough twists, so I'll tell if for nothing other than the catharsis of sharing with people who can relate...and to pose some questions to the group.

Please excuse the typos, like a pshyco I did this on my phone.

We're both 42, both divorced and looking for our real love story after the starter marriages and been together for two wonderful years, moved in together officially in July, but lived together many months previous, and are I suppose still committed to becoming engaged this summer and fully believing in love again...yea....seemed.to easy.

While I was previously unaware of her PTSD resulting from her previous marriage to an abusive narcissist
we'ven shared our other conditions individually for anxiety, insomnia, addiction and the like. We've had our share of minor disagreements, resolved quickly, and moved forward like you'd expect from any couple mature couple who have gone through a marriage, we even had survived through very hard seasons of life together already by clinging to each and therapy and survived so far. Those our some our minor imperfections, we saw, could name them and decided we could live them...so for all intents and purposes we were perfect in each others eyes and planning on getting engaged soon.

I made a very poor decision and lied by omission to her about 3 months ago (lets say in the category of ruining a favorite shirt and then throwing it away and denying knowing where it went.) Its a bad habit I learned to hide my addiction that when confronted in person about something my urge is to lie immediately no matter what the issue is or whether you are staring at a video of you doing the thing they are asking about, I lied, alot. I've been very upfront about my past in active addiction and shared what thats like for me. Knowing that she must have detected I lied as she soom turned into an anxiety ridden super detective full of muscle aches, migraines, rashes and insomnia. I'd ask her all the time what was stressing her out so much and if I could do anything to help and each time she waved it away or said work, kids, etc...and 9 days ago she confronted me again and this time I told the truth and boom instantly changed personas like magic...no emotion, terse speaking cadence,.all new to me. She didn't.speak that night and asked me to sleep in the guest.bedroom because she needed time to think, fine.

Next morning, she calmly informs me I have 3 days to pack and leave, this is not a request, there will be no questions and "No I don't know when you can return" btw I'm currently unemployed with little savings currently which she is aware of...so I thought this had to be a joke that I almost laughed and went to look forthe hidden cameras...I soon learned she dead serious and in her eyes was close to being overly generous. Still not understanding why this was happening, I decided something was clearly off and now wasn't time to dig in but retreat and reflect.

The last three days followed a predictable cycle, when I was happy in the day she was too and basically went along like all was sill normal together. At night,I tried to get any kind of clarity on wtf was happening here, and instead of her normal convo style it suddenly was super narc-ey in nature, just like my dad or her ex...deflect, minimize, turn it around, make things up,gaslight, ifall else fails abort and RAGE. The more I pressed and the closer I got to cornering her in facts, the worse and more upset/angry she got and that caused me to back off the first two nights because I already don't have an idea what's happening except that I know I'm making her more mad and mad won't get me anywhere I wanted to go. And then back to a normal night,.TV laughing,.cuddling and even sleeping.in the same bed. I'm aware this is enabling and was aware in the moment, I just thought honey catches more flies and I was lost.

Third, final day, all good, happy,.fun day. So when the third night came and I was running out of time, I of course mentioned how surpringly good things were the past two days and given that developement wondered if we could perhaps reconsider making me leave entirely and maybe instead the guest bedroom could be fine....but of.course "no way"...."Okay, but what's the plan here"..."just need time"...."for what?"..."me"
..."what do you need from me"...."to leave and actually we need to go no contact starting now." I was floored and more upset sad, confused and sad all at once than i have ever experienced and this time instead of backing down, I fall to my hands and knees just sobbing(very dramatic, but I promise very real) She sees this and says something dismissive to me that hurt so much that somehow the twangs of pain gave me energy enough to cry out "I.am.only.trying. to. communicate!!! You are refusing to answer basic questions about the most important disagreement we've had to date and I feel this is wildly action is out of proportion to my deception and somewhat cruel considering my work situation, and I don't recognize the person in front of me and that scares me to death" I collopsed completely defeated and ugly cry....

Then something weird happened and she comes closer, still mad but calmer more her usual self and curtly asks, "What would you like to know?" which seemed almost hilarious to me at the time. We slowly converse but this time when I mention she didnt really answer and instead used the tactics used before, she clarifies....so it went....she gave me answers and slowly I heard things like "when you do X it makes me feel like you are a know it all.and saying I'm dumb...and when you do Y you make me feel like you dont like me and how I do things..." all these negative things she was feeling for me for who knows how long and finally something clicked, "Do all your recent physical ailments have to do with this and also why didn't you say anything about this until the night before I'm supposed to leave?" It killed me, realizing that all this time she was suffering as a result of something I was doing and couldn't feel safe enough to share. And she finally she starts saying she suffers from a sort of PTSD and has Betrayal Trauma because of her childhood and ex....deception, affairs, rape, addiction, codependency and that after the day three months prior she became increasingly anxious and convinced I was lying about lots of things etc. "But why didn't you tell me?" and just breaks down sobbing so I hold her and say its okay please share, this is really helping me. She didn't tell because she felt so much shame and that if she told me that I would hate her it and for those 10 Mins I saw her fully for the first time, and she was the most beautiful I'd ever seen her.

I WAS SO HAPPY! You see I also have CPTSD but it doesn't manifest like hers and addiction issues to help numb out all that stuff that comes with, so i truly appreciate the courage that admission takes.and I held her, thanked her being brave and courageous and that if we worked together we will be fine and this could work in our benefit perhaps.

I also pondered why I was getting thrown out over a t-shirt lie while just being told she hasn't ever been fully truthful about how I impact her, but right now that can wait, tonight is about supporting her and showering her with all words and kisses of affirmation I could muster. I tuck her in and she seems super happy and at peace. I leave our bedroom feeling so grateful she gave me that final piece of the puzzle and I had so much optimism about us now she could share and now since we are over that hump it would be smoother sailing, and slept with hope and love floating all around...we're going to make it.

The next.day she threw me out and reminded me not to contact her. Shes also blocked me everywhere and the one time I attempted to stop by to grab things, despite providing several hours of heads up and that I hear her inside when I finally knock ...nothing....and just waited for min and left without a word. I got back to my hotel room with a text from.my mom wondering why her dad is calling asking why I'm showing up unannounced and pounding loudly to be let inside a manner she said makes her feel unsafe....sigh. After, absolutely nothing from her yet..I have some big decisions to make quickly since my money is starting to disappear and legit don't have a plan beyond today.

Some questions:

1. Anyone have any advice specific to this situation? I'm new this, so doubt more versed people can spot all kind of things I missed and I'd value any contribution to growing my knowledge
2. Is it okay to swing by when I know she's at work to.grab things....should I ask (she'll say no and she's blocked.me anyway)
3. What does it mean, if anything, she said I could leave stuff there as long as I moved it out.of our bedroom, she said there no reason to shut down or split off shared accounts/cell phone plan or any other normal things breakups cause, like I did offer her my key there and to keep.it.
4. Theoretically, what would happen if I just walked in like normal at a time I know she's home....like bring her Starbucks tomorrow morning walk in and say Hi!? I'm just curious what others think
5. If we make it through this...should I be the one to promise to exit when she needs(though odd, I do feel better knowing where she is and safe)
5. Purely from a place of curiosity anyone have data on folks cheating during these sudden separations?
6. Finally it dawned on me that I'm the only one who knows about her PTSD and that while she sees a therapist Indont think she handles trauma issues. Should I press on any of that or not. From my recovery I've learned that in that context "We are only as sick as our secrets" to be very important to getting better...does this applly as well here, since I'm sure she hasn't told.anyone and doesn't want to...remember she only told me.in a tender brief moment of crushing guilt and never again.

Thanks in advance for any replies and honestly without finding this forum I'd still be totally lost still.

FYI, haven't made up my mind about staying or going yet, and won't until/if she pops up and I can hear what she says next but if you thoughts here, I'm all ears and grateful!
 
1Some people don’t tolerate lying, it’s a hard limit for them.

You didn’t lie by omission. You straight up lied. You threw the shirt out, and then lied about knowing anything about it.

Not everyone is an asshole to the people they’re breaking up with. She gave you 3 days to get out, and not being an asshole to you doesn’t mean she’s not serious. She clearly was.

2. Is it okay to swing by when I know she's at work to.grab things....should I ask (she'll say no and she's blocked.me anyway)
If you DONT ask after she’s kicked you out and blocked you? Expect the police & a restraining order.

3. What does it mean, if anything, she said I could leave stuff there as long as I moved it out.of our bedroom, she said there no reason to shut down or split off shared accounts/cell phone plan or any other normal things breakups cause, like I did offer her my key there and to keep.it.
That she’s not a bitch and is giving you time to transition.

4. Theoretically, what would happen if I just walked in like normal at a time I know she's home....like bring her Starbucks tomorrow morning walk in and say Hi!? I'm just curious what others think
Again… Police. Restraining order.

5. If we make it through this...should I be the one to promise to exit when she needs(though odd, I do feel better knowing where she is and safe)
Um. That would be the NORMAL thing to do/expect/hardline, as either person SHOULD exit when the other person says “stop. done. go.”

6. Finally it dawned on me that I'm the only one who knows about her PTSD and that while she sees a therapist Indont think she handles trauma issues. Should I press on any of that or not.
f*ck no. You have zero rights on her / her life… as you are her EX. She broke up with you. And has blocked you. That she’s being a decent human being in giving you time to sort accounts/etc.? Is not an open pass to f*ck with her, tell her how she should be living her life, managing ANYTHING in her life (including therapy), etc.

Seriously… you either need a brand new sponsor, or some heavy duty therapy involving boundaries, or both. You are off the damn charts. My ONLY hope for you? (Seriously, not snark) Is that you are asking these questions. Which shows SOME degree of conscious. But? They’re also on the EXACT same line as “Is stealing money someone TOLD you about, wrong? I mean, they should expect to be ganked, right?!?” & “Is having sex with someone you don’t know, who is passed out, wrong?”

I wish you the best. You are CLEARLY both working on yourself/your own life/ being better than you’ve known.

Better sponsor. Better therapy. Best wishes. And err on the side of caution, my man. As you’ve clearly been living waaaaaay off the ‘treating people with the respect, consideration, & decency you yourself would want”. IE someone, or a helluva lotta someone’s have f*cked you over so hard, that’s what you see as normal. But? You’re still asking if it IS right… which means give it a few years? Some damn good people in your life? And these Q’s would be obvious. Instead of real. Back yourself down. Regroup. Build hard.
 
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I’m going to say you contact her dad and make arrangements to get your stuff and then, you give her the space she has so clearly asked for. If she doesn’t reach out to you let that be your message that she doesn’t want to speak to you, that it’s over.

Personally I’m one of those hardline people when it comes to lying, I have zero tolerance for it. Why? Because of all the things that lead to my PTSD. I’d bet, she told you this once upon a time and you in your infinite wisdom told her how you’d done that as part of your addiction which you thought meant she understood it might happen. For her she thought you understood if it did that was it for her. You just triggered an extreme response because you didn’t heed her warning. I’m guessing this is close to the storyline based on the story you told up above where everything was great and you we blindsided, nope she told you. Maybe not in words but she made it clear because this is clearly a thing for her.
 
No disrespect here but is throwing a tee shirt out and then lying about it the real issue? Am I not understanding something else here?

Ok. So I read your post again. You engaged in your addiction again? Well you have put her in harms way and as a trauma survivor I would think she.is versed in safe/ unsafe people personality disorders steps leading to relapse etc. I think her first priority is her safety and continuing on with her life. Respect her boundaries. Arrange to get your things when she is not there. As part of my ongoing recovery I have had to leave people behind block people go no contact etc. She is making hard decisions for herself. I suggest you do the same for yourself.

Is the situation she is working or has the income and you do not? This is my husband's and I s situation. He retired. I have retirement income. I have to look hard at me so I try my best to manage my symptoms so we remain together. No one should- sorry for the cognitive distortion- end up homeless. The homeless situation now is desperate and could lead to death.

Have you researched or had therapy about self sabotage? Do you know how closely addiction and trauma are connected?.If you relapsed how are you going to begin again to rehab your brain?
 
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1Some people don’t tolerate lying, it’s a hard limit for them.

You didn’t lie by omission. You straight up lied. You threw the shirt out, and then lied about knowing anything about it.

Not everyone is an asshole to the people they’re breaking up with. She gave you 3 days to get out, and not being an asshole to you doesn’t mean she’s not serious. She clearly was.


If you DONT ask after she’s kicked you out and blocked you? Expect the police & a restraining order.


That she’s not a bitch and is giving you time to transition.


Again… Police. Restraining order.


Um. That would be the NORMAL thing to do/expect/hardline, as either person SHOULD exit when the other person says “stop. done. go.”


f*ck no. You have zero rights on her / her life… as you are her EX. She broke up with you. And has blocked you. That she’s being a decent human being in giving you time to sort accounts/etc.? Is not an open pass to f*ck with her, tell her how she should be living her life, managing ANYTHING in her life (including therapy), etc.

Seriously… you either need a brand new sponsor, or some heavy duty therapy involving boundaries, or both. You are off the damn charts. My ONLY hope for you? (Seriously, not snark) Is that you are asking these questions. Which shows SOME degree of conscious. But? They’re also on the EXACT same line as “Is stealing money someone TOLD you about, wrong? I mean, they should expect to be ganked, right?!?” & “Is having sex with someone you don’t know, who is passed out, wrong?”

I wish you the best. You are CLEARLY both working on yourself/your own life/ being better than you’ve known.

Better sponsor. Better therapy. Best wishes. And err on the side of caution, my man. As you’ve clearly been living waaaaaay off the ‘treating people with the respect, consideration, & decency you yourself would want”. IE someone, or a helluva lotta someone’s have f*cked you over so hard, that’s what you see as normal. But? You’re still asking if it IS right… which means give it a few years? Some damn good people in your life? And these Q’s would be obvious. Instead of real. Back yourself down. Regroup. Build hard.

This seems harsh - if you break up with someone and give them three days to leave, you don’t then spend time hugging them on the sofa. It’s mixed signals, and incredibly confusing…
 
^^^ If mental illness and substance abuse are involved? Mixed signals are common. IME.

So many red flags on both sides of this situation.
 
^^^ If mental illness and substance abuse are involved? Mixed signals are common. IME.

So many red flags on both sides of this situation.
Aye, fair enough. I can understand why it really hurts to be a part of that situation though - and the reply didn't seem very empathetic.

BUT - maybe I'm partly still just a bit sore from my own recent experiences :)
 
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