Coping With Relationships

[smitten]

I recently left a two year relationship because I couldn't cope with some of his own personal issues (he has ADD) and because I found that I was belittling him and angry with him over small things. I was angry with him all the time but never or rarely at my children or others in my life. I was beginning to feel that I was no better than someone who had abused me in the past.

I have a fantastic therapist who has said that relationships can be difficult for someone with PTSD - especially if they are in a relationship with someone who also has their own emotional issues. I can see where someone like myself would have difficulty being in a relationship. It seems that I have so many issues that I don't understand myself and thus cannot really explain them to others. I am focusing on being single and enjoying my time alone, therapy and taking care of myself and my child still living at home but someday I will want to be in another relationship. Is this even possible?

I feel guilty for hurting this man - he wants me to work on things even if we no longer live together. I feel guilty for wanting a man without issues. I feel like I have no right to ask for someone who is mentally whole when I am not.

 

[Artista]

Seems to me you are finally being clear on what you want and need. That means you are learning something of caring for you and that is a big thing as far as I am concerned!! Sometimes "issues" can fight each other in two people. Even if other things attracted youa nd kept you together for a while, if it brings out unhealthy things in yu it is speaking something to you for sure!

Wish you the best. Solid in self is a good plan! Then perhaps it'll fall together as it should. I think it is definitely possible for you to have a relationship if it is what you want.. you'll work towards it when it's right and with whom it is right.

 

[Cin]

I feel guilty for wanting a man without issues.

Is there such a thing? I'm not just talking about males either, females too. I'm not sure any of us are free of issues. I think it's a matter of finding someone with issues you CAN live with and I don't think that is anything to feel guilty about.

 

[smitten]

Hi Cin

I think that I am referring more to someone without emotional or mental issues. Everyone has some types of issues but I cannot be with someone that requires me to emotionally take care of them. I can barely take care of myself and my child. Instead, I need someone who is emotionally strong so that I can be cared for when it is necessary. Two of us with depression or anxiety issues is like coating ourselves in gasoline and lighting a match - the situation is bound to explode at some point.

 

[Cin]

I could see what you were getting at, but even the strongest of people have emotional issues and at some point need someone to lean on and support them. It isn't a matter of depression or mental illness. I'm by no means saying that you were wrong for ending your current relationship, more that it is unrealistic to think that there are people out there who don't have emotional issues, it's a matter of finding someone with issues you can live with. Being emotional does not make someone weak, infact, I think it's a good sign of strength (provided it isn't out of control emotion).

I'm not sure if that even makes sense.

 

[pebbels]

Hello smitten, I agree with what Arista and Cin have said, I just want to add GOOD ON YOU!! The person who makes a decision to leave a relationship always has the guilt trip and the one left, hurting, that is the reality and not always a pleasant trip. I want to also add that life really is too short and time heals SO don't feel guilty about knowing what YOU want, that is a GOOD thing :)

All the best smitten

Pebs

 

[pebbels]

Cin, it makes sense :)

 

[smitten]

Thanks everyone. I guess that I have a bad taste in my mouth from my most recent relationship. He had ADD and an anxiety disorder and those things were affecting me a great deal. In particular, the fact that he needed to be mothered a lot and babied. I couldn't even begin to focus on myself when I was constantly having to deal with his issues. I realize that everyone has issues of some sort but there are people out there that have their issues under control so to speak.

 

[smitten]

I should also add that I don't have a problem with someone being emotional, nor do I see them as weak. There is a difference between being emotional and having major depression or anxiety issues. Perhaps I should have used the term mental issues? I don't know.