Counselor recommended abstinence

[Fozew]

I have been using men for the past 6 months or so to cope. I used to eat. But after having gastric bypass years ago bonging is no longer an option. So I've been using men as a stress relief and distraction.

Counselor recommended I try abstinance while we figure out other ways for me to get value, cope w stress etc.

What gets me is I don't even really want to have sex w these guys a lot of the time. I need to be drunk to be aroused at all and sometimes even that doesn't help. I just feel like I need to do it. Need that validation.
Only person I do not get drunk to sleep w is one of my best friends. I've been in love w him for nearly 2 years but he doesn't want a relationship.

He was extremely supportive of this "experiment" he says my worth to him is more than sex and he's going to be in my life regardless.

I'm scared. It's been since the 4th that I've had sex and I am doing ok. I deleted my chat apps and fet profile. But... this is hard. I'm scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll never see my value without giving men sex. Scared I'm going to... feel my feelings.

I need a hobby or something.

 

[Osur]

It sounds like your counsellor has hit on a big issue for you. For all that our coping strategies might give us some short term relief, oftentimes they are a band aid for deeper issues. Your counsellor seems to think that you're ready to deal with those deeper issues, so full support to you during this difficult adjustment period.

I believe there are more meaningful relationships to be had, for all of us, including you. Allowing others to see the beautiful you, that isn't just about sex, will hopefully allow you to see that as well:)

 

[Rajoco]

Do you have nothing to fill your time other than sex? I'd agree to find a hobby, a distraction. Make FRIENDS without benefits.

 

[Mudiwes]

I need a hobby or something.

And new coping mechanisms. Or stronger reliance on ones you already have but don't use as much. Just taking away one coping mechanism? Is going to leave a massive void. Doesn't matter whether it's sex, self harm, alcohol, thrill seeking, fighting, sports, smoking, etc. Take away something you don't want in your life (or are forced to quit something you do want in your life), and prepare for a massive stress smackdown & symptom ramp up, if you don't have other things ready to fill in the gap.

 

[Bodas]

My therapist helped me come out of the dating scene and though he didnt say "dont have sex" it was pretty well applied for the exact same reason. I also use it as a way to recreate my trauma and as a way of self harm. Before, during, and after.

That was months ago. Today I will say I have had sex a few times but the longer I go, the more coping skills I learn then can deploy into my life and then the more normal my sexual activity looks.

Its not an odd request and it seems impossible but if you have a bad urge, just masturbate. If it weren't for that I"d been climbing the walls well before now lol. Its really not as hard as it seems. Oddly enough, sex doesn't fill my every thought anymore either.

Props on willing to take a big step in recovery!

 

[Fozew]

My therapist helped me come out of the dating scene and though he didnt say "dont have sex" it was pretty well applied f...

Thank you for that. Sharing your story and Thank you for not judging me.

 

[Ubev]

I won't tell you that abstinence will be easy but it is doable. My therapist asked me to try this when we started working together almost 3 years ago. Before that I was meeting up with random men that I met on the internet to recreate my multiple traumas. I asked them to treat me like crap. I never met the same guy twice and I wasn't always careful about protection, STD's, location etc. I haven't had sex since that agreement. It is tough, yes there are times I have taken care of things myself but it was the first of several what my T called self harm processes that I have engaged in for decades. We are slowly working to eliminate all of them.

 

[Nawir]

Yah, my t also asked me to swear off guys for a while....cant say I have done extremely well but, I have definitely limited my contacts. I too use guys/sex as a distraction and a way to self harm and recreate trauma in my life. Ugh as I'm writing this I'm feeling so guilty because, I am starting to text this guy to relieve all my stress/anxiety....ugh I can definitely relate with all of these posts. It is possible/doable and it will help you have better relationships in the future to learn better coping mechanisms! Hope things get better :)