black_dove
New Here
Oh man, this is probably going to be long, and I apologize in advance for that.
I am deeply disturbed, I am angry, I am disgusted and feel ashamed. I'm posting this here because these occurrences spanned years, from the ages of about 6 to around 13. I never saw any of this as abnormal before, until I picked up the book "Secret Survivors, Uncovering Incest and it's Aftereffects on Women" by E. Sue Blume.
I used to think all of this stuff was a crock, a hoax. I never truly believed in repressed memory, I still don't fully know if I believe it, it all feels like like the stuff fairy tales and ghost stories and hauntings are made of. Still, somewhere, deep inside, in the pit of my gut - somewhere I don't even want to name, somewhere that feels intense anxiety and fear - something says: you know. Stuff happened.
I just downplayed it all. I minimized it. Because who ever talks about this stuff? None of my friends ever did, none of my girlfriends. None of my family. I hope someone else can identify with what I'm about to say, I feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't remember any explicit sexual abuse, other than an older male cousin molesting me (and that doesn't seem, at the moment, to be such a big deal). I have been aware of this for years and it has never seemed all that bad. It was "little stuff", like coercing me to sit on his lap during family games of hide and seek (he always, always chose me). He'd wiggle me around and I'd protest and try to get away, and he'd always end up coercing me back. That's one small memory fragment.
In the worst, I woke up to him using my hand to masturbate himself while he watched porn. I was about 8 - it was during a sleep over. I pretended to roll over and fall asleep. Eventually I woke up and tried sleeping on the couch, but he talked me down and the next thing I know I am awakened again, but his head is under the covers and creeping up in between my legs. I got up and bolted out of the room, ran upstairs. I told his sister (I was very close with her, we are a year apart), and she tried telling her mother, my aunt - who, as it turns out, told her it was "just a phase."
That's all I have about that. I know now that dealing with the reaction to me telling was probably more detrimental than the events themselves, but I haven't gotten this far in therapy yet, other than me being able to identify him as a 'perpetrator' (he is 6 years older). We're dealing primarily with family of origin stuff, and that's where the main bulk of this post comes in.
I have never understood or been able to put in to context aspects of my fathers abuse. I knew the verbal and physical was bad, but I always (and never admitted it to anyone or myself for years) knew that there was a sexually charged component to it. (I have always known this, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach).
I don't know how to explain this. Certain instances:
- Always treating me like a "little adult." By this I mean sitting me down, very young and all through many years, explaining why the relationship between he and my mom just wasn't working out. He said they didn't fit together and he had made a mistake. I can still recall the hand gestures he used to describe this, so I know it was over many years we had this same conversation. He said I better be wary not to make the same mistake in my life (I am 8 or 9, by the way!). He said he never regretted having me or my brother, but it was very difficult, he just didn't know what to do, he was working so hard. This alternated with bouts of physical/verbal abuse, then periods of neglect, and so it was always 'nice' to have him talk to me, even if he wasn't really interested in what I had to say. Then when I got a bit older he started taking me out to dinner, and one time it ended up in the car, and he said, "all men have needs, and your mother just isn't fulfilling my needs." That is all I remember, other than crying and staring out the window at the rain on the window. I remember feeling a sense of horror and fear and sadness. I think I was afraid he was going to do something to me. Why would I feel that way?? (I thought I was a sick, perverted daughter to feel that way).
- He cat-called/whistled to me when I wore certain outfits, right in front of my mother. Told me how beautiful and pretty I was. (My mother constantly complained how ugly and disgusting she felt, and often said she "wished I could be as pretty as you." I argued with her over this all the time.) Used adjectives such as "sexy." Said the boys would be lining up at the door and I'd have to beat them off with a baseball bat...and he certainly understood that, because if HE was one of them...
- Then told me boys are only out for one thing and I'd better be very careful.
- Called me a whore when I was 13 for wearing glittery eyeshadow. Screamed at me and physically assaulted me.
- Walked right in to the bathroom while I took showers all of the time. We had no curtain, just an opaque door, and no locks anywhere in the house. Never knocked, would take a piss and brush his teeth. Often would leer or make comments like, "Whoa, you're growing up!" or, "Oh, whoops, I thought you were your mother!" -- after he sat there and stared at me.
- This is the weirdest and strangest memory I have. I have no idea how to explain it, and for years always dismissed it when it popped up like, "i must have been imagining things." I know that I wasn't, though - my gut knows that. My father was prone to rages and screaming matches at me, when he wasn't lecturing. He often walked around the house in only his underwear (it was his domain, he flaunted that). During one particular rage, he had an erection. I can remember staring at his crotch and my stomach twisting and not understanding what was going on, and backing up against the wall. I remember nothing else, just that.
I guess all of this doesn't seem all of that bad. But reading that book and seeing so many of the same examples really got to my head -- this really wasn't normal, was it? I struggle with it because all of these pieces of information feel discrete and separated.
As far as struggles in my own life now, with sex - I recently began a very new, actually very good relationship (for the first time in my life). I shut down sexually, or have actually gone away after sex - I will roll over, curl in to a ball, and I cannot speak. I feel very small and far away. This has never happened to me before - though I have certainly cried afterward. My boyfriend is very gentle during this and will help to ground me, and sometimes it works. I have also literally blacked out after sex. I didn't speak, but he kept trying to call my name for 30 minutes and he said all I did was occasionally look up at him with very, very sad eyes. I don't remember this at all, I just "woke up" afterward and couldn't understand why he was so distraught.
I have sobbed/cried during and after sex with intimate partners.
I was raped at 18 by the person I lost my virginity to - but never considered it rape because I was dating him so I kept going back (he was also physically abusive).
I was sexually harassed at more than one job - one time went so far as physical groping and propositions. I told and got fired.
In my past I have been very compulsively promiscuous - but this seems very standard and doesn't bear repeating. I sought out people who didn't / would never care for me and just **** them. This felt comfortable and safe, being used. Then I'd hate myself for letting myself be used, even after I just sought it out.
I have had numerous rape fantasies and played them out once. Have tried to get current BF to do this as well, but he will not, as it makes him intensely uncomfortable. (He states that he cannot do anything that will hurt me, and also that if he thought I wanted this as normal 'kink' he'd be game, but said he feels it is much deeper than that for me. Also I so frequently go away after sex he feels this would just trigger that.)
This is the hardest:
As a child, I compulsively masturbated. I don't know if this is normal, but there were times I would do it in public (school, car). I felt as if I had to, like it was an itch that needed to be scratched, it almost 'burned.' Also, and this causes me intense shame -- and I have no idea if this is normal, or to what extent - I engaged in sex games with my sibling (I was about 6-8?). They were not 'doctor' games -- it didn't feel fun. I needed him to insert objects. I knew it was wrong, and I felt ashamed. He was younger and didn't really want to do this, but I got him to a few times anyway. There was simulated sex, as well - always clothed, and with pillows between us -- and I wasn't getting anything out of it, nor did I want him. I just felt like I had to do these things. Is this at all normal? I don't recall watching anything, or seeing my parents, or anything. Though my brother and I did hear my parents ALL THE TIME (their bedroom was right next to ours) as children, to the extent that I came to know the difference between a normal morning urination and the 'after sex' urination from my father...as gross as that sounds...
All of this points to a strong indication of sexual abuse/molestation, but it seems that what I recall (a few isolated incidents with my cousin) just don't add up to be 'that bad.' Maybe it really was, and I'll discover that later - and maybe I'll remember more, later. I don't know. I just wanted to post this and see if anyone can identify or relate, so maybe I'll feel a little less insane....
I'm so sorry this is so long!
I am deeply disturbed, I am angry, I am disgusted and feel ashamed. I'm posting this here because these occurrences spanned years, from the ages of about 6 to around 13. I never saw any of this as abnormal before, until I picked up the book "Secret Survivors, Uncovering Incest and it's Aftereffects on Women" by E. Sue Blume.
I used to think all of this stuff was a crock, a hoax. I never truly believed in repressed memory, I still don't fully know if I believe it, it all feels like like the stuff fairy tales and ghost stories and hauntings are made of. Still, somewhere, deep inside, in the pit of my gut - somewhere I don't even want to name, somewhere that feels intense anxiety and fear - something says: you know. Stuff happened.
I just downplayed it all. I minimized it. Because who ever talks about this stuff? None of my friends ever did, none of my girlfriends. None of my family. I hope someone else can identify with what I'm about to say, I feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't remember any explicit sexual abuse, other than an older male cousin molesting me (and that doesn't seem, at the moment, to be such a big deal). I have been aware of this for years and it has never seemed all that bad. It was "little stuff", like coercing me to sit on his lap during family games of hide and seek (he always, always chose me). He'd wiggle me around and I'd protest and try to get away, and he'd always end up coercing me back. That's one small memory fragment.
In the worst, I woke up to him using my hand to masturbate himself while he watched porn. I was about 8 - it was during a sleep over. I pretended to roll over and fall asleep. Eventually I woke up and tried sleeping on the couch, but he talked me down and the next thing I know I am awakened again, but his head is under the covers and creeping up in between my legs. I got up and bolted out of the room, ran upstairs. I told his sister (I was very close with her, we are a year apart), and she tried telling her mother, my aunt - who, as it turns out, told her it was "just a phase."
That's all I have about that. I know now that dealing with the reaction to me telling was probably more detrimental than the events themselves, but I haven't gotten this far in therapy yet, other than me being able to identify him as a 'perpetrator' (he is 6 years older). We're dealing primarily with family of origin stuff, and that's where the main bulk of this post comes in.
I have never understood or been able to put in to context aspects of my fathers abuse. I knew the verbal and physical was bad, but I always (and never admitted it to anyone or myself for years) knew that there was a sexually charged component to it. (I have always known this, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach).
I don't know how to explain this. Certain instances:
- Always treating me like a "little adult." By this I mean sitting me down, very young and all through many years, explaining why the relationship between he and my mom just wasn't working out. He said they didn't fit together and he had made a mistake. I can still recall the hand gestures he used to describe this, so I know it was over many years we had this same conversation. He said I better be wary not to make the same mistake in my life (I am 8 or 9, by the way!). He said he never regretted having me or my brother, but it was very difficult, he just didn't know what to do, he was working so hard. This alternated with bouts of physical/verbal abuse, then periods of neglect, and so it was always 'nice' to have him talk to me, even if he wasn't really interested in what I had to say. Then when I got a bit older he started taking me out to dinner, and one time it ended up in the car, and he said, "all men have needs, and your mother just isn't fulfilling my needs." That is all I remember, other than crying and staring out the window at the rain on the window. I remember feeling a sense of horror and fear and sadness. I think I was afraid he was going to do something to me. Why would I feel that way?? (I thought I was a sick, perverted daughter to feel that way).
- He cat-called/whistled to me when I wore certain outfits, right in front of my mother. Told me how beautiful and pretty I was. (My mother constantly complained how ugly and disgusting she felt, and often said she "wished I could be as pretty as you." I argued with her over this all the time.) Used adjectives such as "sexy." Said the boys would be lining up at the door and I'd have to beat them off with a baseball bat...and he certainly understood that, because if HE was one of them...
- Then told me boys are only out for one thing and I'd better be very careful.
- Called me a whore when I was 13 for wearing glittery eyeshadow. Screamed at me and physically assaulted me.
- Walked right in to the bathroom while I took showers all of the time. We had no curtain, just an opaque door, and no locks anywhere in the house. Never knocked, would take a piss and brush his teeth. Often would leer or make comments like, "Whoa, you're growing up!" or, "Oh, whoops, I thought you were your mother!" -- after he sat there and stared at me.
- This is the weirdest and strangest memory I have. I have no idea how to explain it, and for years always dismissed it when it popped up like, "i must have been imagining things." I know that I wasn't, though - my gut knows that. My father was prone to rages and screaming matches at me, when he wasn't lecturing. He often walked around the house in only his underwear (it was his domain, he flaunted that). During one particular rage, he had an erection. I can remember staring at his crotch and my stomach twisting and not understanding what was going on, and backing up against the wall. I remember nothing else, just that.
I guess all of this doesn't seem all of that bad. But reading that book and seeing so many of the same examples really got to my head -- this really wasn't normal, was it? I struggle with it because all of these pieces of information feel discrete and separated.
As far as struggles in my own life now, with sex - I recently began a very new, actually very good relationship (for the first time in my life). I shut down sexually, or have actually gone away after sex - I will roll over, curl in to a ball, and I cannot speak. I feel very small and far away. This has never happened to me before - though I have certainly cried afterward. My boyfriend is very gentle during this and will help to ground me, and sometimes it works. I have also literally blacked out after sex. I didn't speak, but he kept trying to call my name for 30 minutes and he said all I did was occasionally look up at him with very, very sad eyes. I don't remember this at all, I just "woke up" afterward and couldn't understand why he was so distraught.
I have sobbed/cried during and after sex with intimate partners.
I was raped at 18 by the person I lost my virginity to - but never considered it rape because I was dating him so I kept going back (he was also physically abusive).
I was sexually harassed at more than one job - one time went so far as physical groping and propositions. I told and got fired.
In my past I have been very compulsively promiscuous - but this seems very standard and doesn't bear repeating. I sought out people who didn't / would never care for me and just **** them. This felt comfortable and safe, being used. Then I'd hate myself for letting myself be used, even after I just sought it out.
I have had numerous rape fantasies and played them out once. Have tried to get current BF to do this as well, but he will not, as it makes him intensely uncomfortable. (He states that he cannot do anything that will hurt me, and also that if he thought I wanted this as normal 'kink' he'd be game, but said he feels it is much deeper than that for me. Also I so frequently go away after sex he feels this would just trigger that.)
This is the hardest:
As a child, I compulsively masturbated. I don't know if this is normal, but there were times I would do it in public (school, car). I felt as if I had to, like it was an itch that needed to be scratched, it almost 'burned.' Also, and this causes me intense shame -- and I have no idea if this is normal, or to what extent - I engaged in sex games with my sibling (I was about 6-8?). They were not 'doctor' games -- it didn't feel fun. I needed him to insert objects. I knew it was wrong, and I felt ashamed. He was younger and didn't really want to do this, but I got him to a few times anyway. There was simulated sex, as well - always clothed, and with pillows between us -- and I wasn't getting anything out of it, nor did I want him. I just felt like I had to do these things. Is this at all normal? I don't recall watching anything, or seeing my parents, or anything. Though my brother and I did hear my parents ALL THE TIME (their bedroom was right next to ours) as children, to the extent that I came to know the difference between a normal morning urination and the 'after sex' urination from my father...as gross as that sounds...
All of this points to a strong indication of sexual abuse/molestation, but it seems that what I recall (a few isolated incidents with my cousin) just don't add up to be 'that bad.' Maybe it really was, and I'll discover that later - and maybe I'll remember more, later. I don't know. I just wanted to post this and see if anyone can identify or relate, so maybe I'll feel a little less insane....
I'm so sorry this is so long!
