Sufferer CPTSD, depressed & anxious

[Rowen13]

I have extreme CPTSD, going through menopause, depressed and anxious. I thought I had anxious/avoidance style attachment issues but because of the intensity to rejection and connection, I feel I am suffering from a traumatic response when triggered.
Fear of abandonment, closeness makes me mentally spiral and is so extreme it manifests itself physically, showing up with heart palpitations, weakness, dizziness and feeling the need to pass out in blind terror.
My mum physically abused me as a child and we were often starved both of actual nutrition and emotional connection. She is a classic narcissist and I still have high levels of toxic shame from being her carer. She's totally isolated me and enmeshed herself so much I don't have a separate identity at 50 years of age.

 

[Riley Jones]

I have extreme CPTSD, going through menopause, depressed and anxious. I thought I had anxious/avoidance style attachment issues but because of the intensity to rejection and connection, I feel I am suffering from a traumatic response when triggered.
Fear of abandonment, closeness makes me mentally spiral and is so extreme it manifests itself physically, showing up with heart palpitations, weakness, dizziness and feeling the need to pass out in blind terror.
My mum physically abused me as a child and we were often starved both of actual nutrition and emotional connection. She is a classic narcissist and I still have high levels of toxic shame from being her carer. She's totally isolated me and enmeshed herself so much I don't have a separate identity at 50 years of age.

Hello Rowen13,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the tremendous courage it takes to share such deeply personal experiences. I’m so sorry to hear about the immense pain and challenges you are currently facing. Navigating through CPTSD, especially with the added complexities of menopause and attachment issues, can indeed feel overwhelming and isolating. Please know that you are not alone in this.

The physical symptoms you’re describing, such as heart palpitations, dizziness, and the feeling of blind terror, are very real responses to the psychological distress and trauma you’ve endured. It's important to understand that these reactions are your body’s way of coping with the unresolved trauma and stress.

I highly encourage you to consider seeking professional help if you haven’t already. A trauma-informed therapist can provide support and guidance tailored to your unique experience, helping you process your emotions and develop coping strategies. Therapy can also help you begin to establish your own identity, separate from the enmeshment with your mother, and work through the toxic shame and fear of abandonment.

In addition, connecting with others who have walked similar paths can be incredibly healing. The myptsd.com community offers a wealth of forums and resources where you can share your journey and connect with others who truly understand. Whether it’s discussing relationships, dealing with physical symptoms, or any other aspect of living with PTSD and CPTSD, there are specific forums available to support you.

Remember, reaching out is a brave step towards healing, and every small step counts. You deserve support, compassion, and the opportunity to heal. Please know that this community is here for you every step of the way.

Take care, and be gentle with yourself.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Rowen13]

Hello Rowen13,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the tremendous courage it takes to share such deeply personal experiences. I’m so sorry to hear about the immense pain and challenges you are currently facing. Navigating through CPTSD, especially with the added complexities of menopause and attachment issues, can indeed feel overwhelming and isolating. Please know that you are not alone in this.

The physical symptoms you’re describing, such as heart palpitations, dizziness, and the feeling of blind terror, are very real responses to the psychological distress and trauma you’ve endured. It's important to understand that these reactions are your body’s way of coping with the unresolved trauma and stress.

I highly encourage you to consider seeking professional help if you haven’t already. A trauma-informed therapist can provide support and guidance tailored to your unique experience, helping you process your emotions and develop coping strategies. Therapy can also help you begin to establish your own identity, separate from the enmeshment with your mother, and work through the toxic shame and fear of abandonment.

In addition, connecting with others who have walked similar paths can be incredibly healing. The myptsd.com community offers a wealth of forums and resources where you can share your journey and connect with others who truly understand. Whether it’s discussing relationships, dealing with physical symptoms, or any other aspect of living with PTSD and CPTSD, there are specific forums available to support you.

Remember, reaching out is a brave step towards healing, and every small step counts. You deserve support, compassion, and the opportunity to heal. Please know that this community is here for you every step of the way.

Take care, and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you for the kind words and understanding. Unfortunately I can't afford ongoing therapy but I'm starting to explore Somatic exercises. I will look into The mypstd community for some guidance. My abandonment issues have been triggered and it feels like death.
Thank you again and take care :)

 

[Rowen13]

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you :)

 

[PamelaS]

I have extreme CPTSD, going through menopause, depressed and anxious. I thought I had anxious/avoidance style attachment issues but because of the intensity to rejection and connection, I feel I am suffering from a traumatic response when triggered.
Fear of abandonment, closeness makes me mentally spiral and is so extreme it manifests itself physically, showing up with heart palpitations, weakness, dizziness and feeling the need to pass out in blind terror.
My mum physically abused me as a child and we were often starved both of actual nutrition and emotional connection. She is a classic narcissist and I still have high levels of toxic shame from being her carer. She's totally isolated me and enmeshed herself so much I don't have a separate identity at 50 years of age.

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on treatment modalities. I have found this for him to be part of my treatment. I have both benefited by others sharing, and benefited by sharing my stories. I hope you find it equally helpful. There’s also a lot of information in the articles, as well as carefully crafted AI to respond to our needs. Anthony, the founder, has done an incredible job at putting this community together. Hope it benefits you as much as it has benefited me. Looking forward to getting to know you more.

 

[Susan Jane]

I have extreme CPTSD, going through menopause, depressed and anxious. I thought I had anxious/avoidance style attachment issues but because of the intensity to rejection and connection, I feel I am suffering from a traumatic response when triggered.
Fear of abandonment, closeness makes me mentally spiral and is so extreme it manifests itself physically, showing up with heart palpitations, weakness, dizziness and feeling the need to pass out in blind terror.
My mum physically abused me as a child and we were often starved both of actual nutrition and emotional connection. She is a classic narcissist and I still have high levels of toxic shame from being her carer. She's totally isolated me and enmeshed herself so much I don't have a separate identity at 50 years of age.

Welcome! I so get this…I have extreme reactions to rejection as well. I have been working on it for a while and I have been able to deal better. There is hope, I am 59 . Separating from an narcissist is hard work. Have you read anything about dealing with it? If not let me know and I will try and find some of the things I found helpful. My mother engulfed my life the same way, even though she abandon me, she kept her screws in until I was about 35. I had a son at that time, and I turned my back on her to save my son from her influence. I also had support from my then husband. It was very very hard and it took me years to do it. I still have issues and she passed away 1.5 years ago. Be kind to yourself, you don‘t need to be ashamed, I know it is easier said than done… Sending my understanding Susan

 

[Rowen13]

Welcome! I so get this…I have extreme reactions to rejection as well. I have been working on it for a while and I have been able to deal better. There is hope, I am 59 . Separating from an narcissist is hard work. Have you read anything about dealing with it? If not let me know and I will try and find some of the things I found helpful. My mother engulfed my life the same way, even though she abandon me, she kept her screws in until I was about 35. I had a son at that time, and I turned my back on her to save my son from her influence. I also had support from my then husband. It was very very hard and it took me years to do it. I still have issues and she passed away 1.5 years ago. Be kind to yourself, you don‘t need to be ashamed, I know it is easier said than done… Sending my understanding Susan

Thank you Susan,
A lot of the shame comes from being 50 and still not having an high emotional intelligence and independence. She literally steals my personality traits, copies my likes and dislikes. I feel at my age, I should know better and feel embarrassed that I don't.
Dr. Levine's Somatic exercises are good and he seems to be such a kind man. I'm forever looking for parental figures, even though I know I have to self parent myself.
I'm glad to hear you have progressed a little since your mums passing. And you protected your son, kudos for being a great parent even though you never had one to guide you.
You should be extremely proud of yourself.
Take care, Rowen13

 

[Susan Jane]

Thank you Susan,
A lot of the shame comes from being 50 and still not having an high emotional intelligence and independence. She literally steals my personality traits, copies my likes and dislikes. I feel at my age, I should know better and feel embarrassed that I don't.
Dr. Levine's Somatic exercises are good and he seems to be such a kind man. I'm forever looking for parental figures, even though I know I have to self parent myself.
I'm glad to hear you have progressed a little since your mums passing. And you protected your son, kudos for being a great parent even though you never had one to guide you.
You should be extremely proud of yourself.
Take care, Rowen13

Well the fact that you recognize it means you do know… and that is a start Rowen13. Being manipulated from your own mother… which was my experience, is hard to get your head around. I mean if I recognize it and accept it, that means it is happening. I found that very difficult, to accept it because it made me so extremely sad and lost. I am very happy that I found the strength to turn that around with my son. It was hard going and panic and anxiety were my companion the whole time. I am trying to parent myself now and it is hard to do, when you never learned your own value… I hope this forum will help you gain some tools to realize you aren’t alone and you don’t need to shame yourself . Susan

 

[Rowen13]

Well the fact that you recognize it means you do know… and that is a start Rowen13. Being manipulated from your own mother… which was my experience, is hard to get your head around. I mean if I recognize it and accept it, that means it is happening. I found that very difficult, to accept it because it made me so extremely sad and lost. I am very happy that I found the strength to turn that around with my son. It was hard going and panic and anxiety were my companion the whole time. I am trying to parent myself now and it is hard to do, when you never learned your own value… I hope this forum will help you gain some tools to realize you aren’t alone and you don’t need to shame yourself . Susan

Hello Susan,
I honestly feel scared most of the time and can only cook and clean for her for a few hours before I rush off. I spiral into depression and hopelessness around her. It feels as though I'm suffocating and can't escape. I can definitely understand your feelings of sadness and being lost. The problem is I have to learn to parent myself whilst still parenting her. I taught my mum that you had to pay the rent and bills etc. It seems ridiculous but it's true. I guess we feel alone because we think no one could possibly understand us. I'm 50 and my inner child just wants a hug and to feel safe.
I guess we have to remember that we are definitely deserving of love.
Take care of you

 

[Susan Jane]

Hello Susan,
I honestly feel scared most of the time and can only cook and clean for her for a few hours before I rush off. I spiral into depression and hopelessness around her. It feels as though I'm suffocating and can't escape. I can definitely understand your feelings of sadness and being lost. The problem is I have to learn to parent myself whilst still parenting her. I taught my mum that you had to pay the rent and bills etc. It seems ridiculous but it's true. I guess we feel alone because we think no one could possibly understand us. I'm 50 and my inner child just wants a hug and to feel safe.
I guess we have to remember that we are definitely deserving of love.
Take care of you

So true, we are deserving. My inner chid feels the same, in need of hugs and safety. It is just amazing the strength of the emotions. My mother wanted me to take care of her, and it was very hard to break that guilt she instilled in me. I still feel guilty and sad that I couldn’t … but I had to save myself…and I am still full of scars. Take care of you too

 

[Rowen13]

Well the fact that you recognize it means you do know… and that is a start Rowen13. Being manipulated from your own mother… which was my experience, is hard to get your head around. I mean if I recognize it and accept it, that means it is happening. I found that very difficult, to accept it because it made me so extremely sad and lost. I am very happy that I found the strength to turn that around with my son. It was hard going and panic and anxiety were my companion the whole time. I am trying to parent myself now and it is hard to do, when you never learned your own value… I hope this forum will help you gain some tools to realize you aren’t alone and you don’t need to shame yourself . Susan

Hello Susan,
I honestly feel scared most of the time and can only cook and clean for her for a few hours before I rush off. I spiral into depression and hopelessness around her. It feels as though I'm suffocating and can't escape. I can definitely understand your feelings of sadness and being lost. The problem is I have to learn to parent myself whilst still parenting her. I taught my mum that you had to pay the rent and bills etc. It seems ridiculous but it's true. I guess we feel alone because we think no one could possibly understand us. I'm 50 and my inner child just wants a hug and to feel safe.
I guess we have to remember that we are definitely deserving of love.
Take care of you

So true, we are deserving. My inner chid feels the same, in need of hugs and safety. It is just amazing the strength of the emotions. My mother wanted me to take care of her, and it was very hard to break that guilt she instilled in me. I still feel guilty and sad that I couldn’t … but I had to save myself…and I am still full of scars. Take care of you too

Hello Susan,
Definitely understand the guilt they press on to you. You and I, are deserving of putting ourselves first, in fact it's essential for our overall health. I sit with the guilt and discomfort but still say no. It's very uncomfortable but it doesn't kill me and in a hour or so, the guilt is gone. I absolutely refuse to come second in my own life anymore.
We all have scars, so don't beat yourself up. Remember you are a queen and treat yourself like one.
I hope you have a beautiful day and treat yourself to something, a cup of tea or something big. Whatever makes you happy.
Rowen13