Cptsd Parent, Adhd Child

[Malaenis]

My 5 year old was diagnosed with adhd last January. I was misdiagnosed with this as a child because of the ptsd, so I've been examining him closely since school ended, and he definitely has adhd. I told his school and doctor I don't want to have to medicate him, I want to help him cope without as much as possible. The school was fine with it. Which was good considering they got the brunt of his adhd "episodes". Until summer vacation started I didn't have any idea what was going on at school that was so bad! The last month he got bad reports daily, and things just got worse and worse. He was suspended from using the bus, and this was a big problem because I don't have a car. Yet at home, on weekends and afterschool, he was so well behaved! I now wonder if he was trying harder to be good for me because he must know something isn't right with me.

Anyways, now a month into vacation, his behavior is very back and forth. I'm getting him whatever help he needs, and trying to find support myself specifically for helping him. But then I still struggle with my cPTSD. I just started getting better back in May. I was eating very healthy, exercising 6 days a week, getting back into my schedule. I felt good too, I felt capable. I'd gotten to the point I thought maybe I could handle working full time again. Then I spent a month with him.. Dealing with both our mental issues is a full time job and then some. Luckily we both need structure. And I'm a flight trigger, so I'm very organized. I got a summer schedule for us, he has a chart, things were good.

Till because of him being home(and I'm a single mom, his dad is in another country, and I have no babysitters for even a short breather), I couldn't exercise as much as I had been. I'd been going for jogs, trying to increase my walk to jogging and jogging to running. But that isn't possible to do with an asthmatic 5 year old... Though he loves to run, it isn't good for as long as I need to for my runs. I only get to go once a week when he's with his therapeutic mentor. I did order an exercise bike that I hope helps me get the workout I need for that stress relief when I can't go out to get it. Anyways, until that gets here, I've been incredibly depressed. The sort of depressed I got around this time last year when I didn't want to leave my bed, and sort of want to start cutting again(I haven't in about a year). Earlier today I had to fight crawling into bed. I'd already taken out stuff for dinner, and it all needed to be prepared and cooked. Then I was missing a couple ingredients which meant getting dressed and going to the store. Getting out did help a bit, plus we had a good, healthy dinner. But that stress and depression is still there.

On top of this, he seems to get worse when I'm like this. The more anxious or stressed I am, the more trouble he has controlling his behavior. And I have anxiety over drawing attention to myself out in public. So this doesn't help either. I'm sometimes concerned my anxiety and worrying over things cause me to punish him for something that's normal. Generally he is a star in public, always has been. Has had maybe 5 meltdowns in public in his entire life, and all were cause he was tired and/or hungry.

So what I want to ask is, how do other parents do it? How do you juggle your own mental health with your child's? Also if anyone has any tips for helping me help him to ease the tension that gets created at times like this.

I do explain to him mommy "doesn't feel good", and if I get angry more often, that's why, and say I'm sorry I do it. I don't want him to feel like he has to take care of me(my mom was that type), so I do tell him I'll be better soon, or that I will take care of it and he doesn't have to worry. That I'm only telling him so he understands this isn't his fault. I also explain I understand he has adhd and behaving is difficult. I can see the struggle he has with himself to do what he knows he should be. I feel overwhelmed still trying to figure out my own past and my cptsd, and helping him, and I have no one to go to for support. My friends don't have kids and don't understand or try to, since they have their own stuff. Which leaves me feeling very isolated. I do see a therapist, but I try to keep her strictly for talking about my stuff.

If anyone has further suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

 

[The Albatross]

Curing ADD/ADHD Children, Dr. Peter T. Oas is a book which my former shrink (he treated me for ADD first) wrote a long while ago. I was fortunate to have someone who specialized in my area and I did sessions with him when I was coming to grips with my ADD/ADHD (I flew under the radar til I was well into adulthood). There are helpful suggestions and it's an old book but really comprehensive and I liked his approach.

 

[Friday]

ADHD Mom to an asthmatic ADHD kiddo :D

Just a few thoughts:

Alternate Exercise : Together or Childcare
- A lot of gyms have daycare, so he could play while you work out.
- YMCAs & Community Centers often have kids classes that are free. So he could be in a class, while you work out.
- Mom & Me martial arts classes (Always taking into account personality -aka not every ADHD'er will like martial arts- martial arts / good dojos / are phenom with ongoing management of ADHD. In the unmedicated ADHD community the Q isn't IF you use martial arts, but which? LOL. As a baseline. Clearly some people don't. But the assumption is you probably do. For soooo many reasons. Emotional monitoring & regulation, impulse control, following direction, being corrected, discipline, pride. It's good stuff. Clearly, Mr.Myogi style, not humiliate and pound 'em style.)
- Wheels. As in he's on wheels, while you run beside him. Whether that's a bike, scooter, skateboard... It makes it a lot easier on him, while you get to keep your fav exercise, instead of having to use a treadmill.

Picking up on your mood

ADHD peeps tend to all but absorb the emotions of everyone around them. It's part of the hyper awareness / reading micro expressions, body language, etc. As a kid it's super confusing, because what people say with their faces and say with their mouths don't usually line up. Add to that, being hyper focused on anything not-social-cues means we tend to bulldoze straight through other people's boundaries, and when we're disassociating? Well. You know what disassociation is like. It's necessary with ADHD, It's a break from over active senses, but it tends to happen near randomly as kids/teens. So that adds to the erratic nature of how well we're reading people (or completely oblivious).

Long story short... Is he picking up on your moods? Yep. Sometimes. But he's also picking up on absolutely everyone else's, too. Which is a trick to use; when you're all :eek: and don't want him soaking that up? Either take him somewhere to absorb everyone else (parks, playgrounds, etc.), or get him hyper focused on something that isn't you. Which means you could be 2 inches away from him, practically having a seizure, and he wouldn't notice except to flash you a grin from time to time. Movies, computer games, shooting a basketball, kicking a hackeysack, etc. There are also days I just strung up Christmas lights & a blanket fort, or put up the tent in the living room, ordered pizza, and did a movie marathon with my kiddo. Mommy's HERE (face down in the couch), and we'll make it as fun as possible, but it's really going to be a day where I only get up to pee. Maybe. I HATE being all :wtf:, but my now teenage son still occasionally asks that we "call a snowday??? Pleeeeease???" (which was what I nicknamed 2o hours of pinkPanther & pizza, or Thomas & Chinese, or whatever our marathon theme was)... Because to him, in his memories, that was just something fun we did when he was little. Not me holding onto sanity by the skin of my teeth, and barely able to stand up, face down in the couch counting my breaths.

 

[Mytime]

I agree with Friday Jones. So I'll put my two cents in on school. If you can get him privately tested for his ADHD. You will be amazed at what you read. It can pin point a persons reaction to a T. One thing all my kids have and myself is dysgraphia. I call it a shot in the line, from my brain to my hand. I have information, I can give it to you verbally . But I can't get the information out through my hands, it gets lost some where. As far as behaviour in class,look and see if he's struggling. Anxiety of not keeping up with the class ect. Having more then one designated seat. To be able to move around without disturbing the class. Having signals between him and the teacher so he's not being singled out if he losses focus.
One thing that helped my kids is the teacher giving them a guide line of the info they want from the story.

Example, what is the girls name?
Where was she going?
What was she wearing?

The story:
One beautiful summer day the birds where singing with joy. The sky was a light blue with no clouds to be seen.
Little Red Riding hood, put her cape on. To protect her from the sun . She had a basket full of cookies she made, to take them to grandmas house In the woods.

If he knows the kind of info to get from story. The easier it is to process it and store it in long term memory. All the filler words are just that. If that makes sense:)
Hope this helps:)

 

[Malaenis]

Thanks for all the suggestions! I am looking up that book on Amazon right now.

As far as a gym, I don't have a car and am on state disability(federal hilariously thinks I am capable of handling the work I did before that had me suicidal on a daily basis...). So anything that costs even a little money, I can't do. I will look into the Y and similar things in my area. I do have a discounted public transportation card for my state, so that has been very helpful in getting us OUT, further than walking distance from our home. Which does help. I even got for him that Pokemon Go app, which has been amazing. We've been on 4 mile walks and he won't complain once. Unfortunately simply walking seems to stress me out more because my legs are itching to jog/sprint. But I've noticed the physical activity helps him keep it together more. (Though I'm sure you all know when you're depressed going outside to even get the mail is the hardest thing.) I've tried to make sure we are outside for at least 30 minutes everyday, since sometimes the heat demands it only be a short time, lol. For the bike, he had one, but always struggled with pushing the pedals(granted this was when he was 3-4). I don't know if that's normal for the age, or not. Since he tends to give up if anything is the slightest bit difficult. I've been working with him on this, and I don't give up easily so I believe it's probably the adhd mixed with kidlike frustration at things not being easy in life. Because of my financial situation I'm hesitant to get him another bike just to have him never ride it. At least until he's a bit older.

The frustration he gets at slightly difficult tasks has been the biggest obstacle so far. At home, I am as patient as possible (thank you yoga), and always remind him he is very smart and in the end he always figures out the answers. I think being in Kindergarten, surrounded by "normal" kids who figured things out and followed directions with relative ease killed his confidence in himself. Sometimes he'll be like "yeah, I AM smart!" then he'll say how stupid he is, how he'll never learn, he wants to die, and how I'd rather have another child who is good at things(hearing that broke my heart and I did talk to him about how I wouldn't trade him for the world and tried reassuring him he is good at things, etc.). In school, too, the grading system actually works against kids who need help.. I feel like he got lower grades in things he should be getting above avg in because he needs extra help focusing. We do school work at home, and my Gods, this kid does amazingly well with the work we do. Except when his adhd kicks in. Then he scribbles his writing, he gets frustrated with his reading, he throws his pencil and says he can't do this because he's stupid, etc. I've been able to calm these behaviors for the most part. But the school clearly struggled with it. And as all adhd kids, he needs a consistent schedule. When the school day is suddenly different than usual, his behavior is worse. And I feel so bad, I was hard on him too. At first I'd thought he was being difficult, trying to get his way. But now I see he's trying to control it, but doesn't know how, and it's so hard he stresses himself out and gets worse. His principal, and I do have this belief too with a normal child, said he shouldn't have been getting rewarded for his good behavior because he should already be acting that way. Now I feel like that view didn't help him at all.

He will be getting an IEP next year. I've also been writing "reports" every so often on the behavior I notice, and what I've found works or doesn't work to prevent it or stop it after it happens. Hopefully it helps next school year go a bit more smoothly... So with the IEP he will get psychological assessments done by the school. But I am also working with the local children's hospital to get full psychological testing done. The wait list can be up to 18 months though. His behavior therapist suggested it for the same reason, to figure out how he thinks so we can better help him learn what to do when something I guess "triggers" the adhd. I am lucky the school has been actively working with me, but still feel like my son was slighted last school year. It was my fault too, I didn't see the full effect of this behavior to know what was going on and how to help him.

As far as the story, I've been doing that with him at home but backwards, lol. He gets a tangle when we read together. Then I'll stop every so often and ask a question about something from the last paragraph I read to make sure he's still listening. Then at the end, I found a list of questions to ask kids about a story to get them more involved. I'll ask him a couple of those or sometimes make up my own more specific to the story. He does absorb the information amazingly well. He had a reading challenge one month for school, and was supposed to give a reason for someone else to read this book. The reasons he gave shocked me. I kept expecting him to pick something from the ending, but he'd pick things from the beginning, from the middle, sometimes all three. It is amazing how adhd kids/adults can multitask to me.

 

[Mytime]

If you can, see how he responds to my suggestion. Also Google dysgraphia. If you can let me know how it worked:)

 

[Mytime]

P.s Pokémon cards helped my boys a great deal. Giving one job or instructions at time. To many is over whelming.

 

[Malaenis]

I will. School doesn't start till September, and i have quite a list of suggestions for them. Lol!

Huh, I never thought of the cards as being helpful... I don't know about using them with my son though, he can be destructive. I'm also trying to find an appropriate outlet for that. Sports will be great when school starts. Usually I just let him run outside for some time, but also try to teach him what's too much as far as getting too wild with his toys or jumping off things outside.

I've also done a version of the snow day thing before, lol. Mine is movie day. Basically I'm too depressed to care about or do anything, so we're watching movies and eating junk food all day! Junk food being Mac and cheese, eggo waffles, and popcorn. Lol! All the good stuff.

 

[Mit]

My heart goes out to you. Sounds to me, that in spite of your own problems you're an awesome mum doing her level best for her child, and succeeding. Take a bow, you deserve to be honoured.

From what I've read there are folk here with real insight and experience, so I don't think I can add anything new.

I also suffer from depression and was diagnosed with complex trauma a while ago. I make a big effort to screen this out from my kids. I don't tell them I have issues, but of course they sometimes see the effects.

I have a step son who had adhd when he was young and we firmly believe has high functioning aspergers. I find him very, very challenging, but his mum has endless patients. We never found a happy solution to school related problems, despite him being tested and statemented. Nothing positive ever came out of school.

Physical exercise was a help. He got into skateboarding which gave him a hobby and a focus, and a chance to mix with other people, it's a great sport and leveller. Computer games played right into his obsessive attitude. The worst possible things for him. He's 24 now, still lives with us, has no secure employment and spends 99% of his time gaming on line. If we had our time again we would have kept him away from computer games for as long as possible.

Don't think I've helped at all. But I think you're a brilliant mum, that's what matters the most to him and you.

 

[Malaenis]

Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say.

I understand wanting to keep it from them. They don't need to know how much we've had to suffer, and how horrific the world can be. As I mentioned, I tell my son I don't feel well as my explanation for what's wrong. And also so I can let him know I might need a little more space right now, but it isn't because I don't love him.

I've got to find something physical my son can do. Not having a car complicates things a lot. So mostly his activity is running around our yard which is large-ish, but just grass. Not that he minds, but eventually he gets bored. Lol!

 

[7Cs]

I am going through the same thing right now.
Me with childhood/ complex PTSD and my son (6 yr old) with ADHD hyperactive impulsive type and dysfunctional mood disorder which is like oppositional defiant disorder but is actually considered worse. :(

He is medicated but only to a point that we can usually tolerate... he's still incredibly difficult.

I've been deep in my own @#%$# this last week and I know it's making him act out and then I'm having my own outbursts of frustration because I'm unable to tolerate his behavior and it's becoming a viscous circle.

I laid in bed for an hour this afternoon crying but finally managed to drag myself up and out. I have a 17 year old daughter so she kept an eye on him while he played outside.

The cup runneth over and not in a good way.

I wish I had some advise to give you.

 

[7Cs]

How do you explain it to him?
I've tried but I'm afraid he can't understand... he's so sensitive.

I began explaining it to my daughter when she was about 8 or 9. She's a great girl, very understanding but also neurotypical so to speak.