Cptsd Parent, Adhd Child

[Malaenis]

Because of his behavior at school, they did think he had ODD. But for me, he's usually great. His mentor and I discussed how outside of the ADHD he is an amazingly well behaved kid. He automatically cleans up after himself, picks up toys before bed since he was about 3.5, will do almost anything I ask without incident, I can count on one hand how many public outbursts he's had with me where he couldn't be easily calmed and all due to hunger/tiredness. I hate it, cause I feel like my son recognizes this too, and feels more frustrated because he feels like he can't control himself, stop himself, from doing the wrong things, that as he puts it, his "brain tells him to do". I have to constantly remind him how smart he is, that he is a good kid, and just cause he does some things that are "bad" it doesn't make him bad. Though I emphasize that because he is trying to learn and gain control, that's what makes the difference.

Perfect example of how I explain it to him, yesterday I got a notice that my rent is going up way more than what I had expected/thought it would be. I had finally relaxed into my apartment, was making it a home, and now I have to move. Which I can't even afford to move. Nevermind the fact that we have good schools here, and as you know ADHD kids, or any kid with mental health struggles, needs that. So I was panicking we'd have to move to some slummy town/city, with high crime rate(yay for ptsd.....), crappy schools that won't work with me as much and make my job harder. Or alternative, I'm forced to go back to work before I'm ready. I'm not on SSI/SSDI, I'm on state disability. Which I make it work right now. But isn't even feasible to live off of with the rent increase. I was fine at first reading this, called the landlord to basically say, what the heck, this isn't what we were told the increase would be a year ago. But I still haven't heard back. Not knowing made me panic more, start going through what am I going to do, anxiety kicked in, I really like my apartment. It's old, but perfect for us. I don't want to move. Etc. I finally start sobbing. As this was late afternoon, my son heard me. He's very sweet and came in to make sure I was ok. He asked why I was so sad, and I told him I'd be ok, he didn't have to worry about it. He of course wants to help, and says to tell him so he can fix whatever bad thing is making me sad, lol.

Now my mom was the type to lean on me. She told me things no child should ever know about their parent. So I'm very careful with him. He wanted a hug at first, but I said I needed time alone for a bit. I don't like to hug him when I'm sobbing like that so it doesn't bring him down. A bit later, he came in my room again and asked could he have a hug now. This time I said ok, and we snuggled in my bed for a bit. He asked again why I was crying. So I told him sometimes we need to cry, we need to let ourselves feel sad. Before we can get up and find a solution to the problem or thing that's making us sad. Honestly my ideas mostly stem from, what would my mother do, do the opposite. She was the type that said you shouldn't cry, be angry, those are "bad" emotions. If I got angry, she said I had no self-control. I let him feel whatever he wants, but explain he needs to do it in a safe way. He's angry, go in bed and punch your pillow/bed, and only those things, or scream into the pillow. That when he's ready to calm down, we can try whatever we were doing that got him upset again.

I will also do the opposite. I didn't even realize till a couple months ago that aggression is part of ptsd. And I think mine is tied into not learning how to deal with anger and frustration as a child. So when I'm boiling over angry, I will slam a cabinet, throw something(though I'm careful nothing breaks), punch a wall just hard enough to help but not so hard I punch a hole, etc. And sometimes scream more at him, over things he does that aren't so bad. When this happens, I sit him down after we've both calmed down. Then I explain to him(if he did do something that was misbehaving) that while he was misbehaving, the way I reacted was not ok. It wasn't acceptable, and I'm working really hard not to do that. But sometimes I slip up, and I say I'm sorry, and I still love him very much and always do. If it happened because I was angry over something else I say something happened that made me angry, and again say I shouldn't have acted that way.

I've told him recently that I have PTSD, since he doesn't know what it is. I explained by saying, "you know how you have ADHD, and that effects how you act and feel sometimes? Mommy has something called PTSD, that makes things harder for me in different ways. So we should both work together and try not to fight and call each other names or be hurtful. Though I say it that he should help me to help him, that my stuff is my own and he doesn't have to worry about it. All he has to do is respect the times I say I need space, since if I'm anxious I get worse if someone gets close to me or touches me suddenly. And the times I say I need to be alone or to take a nap. He's actually really good about that. I also try to explain those things by saying, "you know how sometimes you don't want a hug? Sometimes mommy needs space too. Everyone does, and that's ok. It doesn't mean we don't love each other." Lol, he sometimes responds with, you can hug me whenever you want, just so he can hug me whenever. But he generally respects it. If I need a nap because I'm too overwhelmed, he'll peek in on me really quietly to see when I'm awake, but basically leaves me alone.

There are books by Julia Cook that have helped my son a LOT. "It's Hard To Be A Verb", "Personal Space Camp", and "My Mouth Is A Volcano". I got the workbooks for the first two books as well. Though they're for a classroom setting, you can change them a bit to work at home. I absolutely love the way the books are written, in a way the kids can relate, and also don't feel like the bad guy. They also have solutions in the story that the main character uses to change his behaviors, showing the kids they can do these things, it's not impossible.

Good luck 7Cs with your son. It's definitely a difficult process.

 

[7Cs]

It sounds like you're doing really great with him. :)
I'll have to look into those books.

It's so hard because for us it really seems like a constant struggle. No respect, oppositional behavior repeatedly through the day (you say one thing he does the other, suggest a fun thing to do he says he hates doing it, offer food he doesn't like any of it). Between these things he just seems unhappy and irritable. We can rarely make him smile. (He has been playing really well with some neighborhood boys recently so that's awesome) He likes to tickle and wrestle but those things trigger me. He likes board games but then like many children he doesn't always play by the rules and hates losing so it can become a power struggle and I usually end up putting it away. That usually devolves into him hitting or kicking me.

No discipline nor reward system has worked yet.
We are having a little luck with a ball jar reward system but we have a very long way to go. We're currently working on the respect issue.

Since he started medication he's a little better and luckily doesn't bounce and spin and talk incessantly. But it's still a lot to deal with. Right now I'm not dealing well with it at all... it's either overreact or shut down. I'm not thinking or behaving rationally. Like I said my daughter can give me little breaks and thankfully my husband can help. I don't know what I would do otherwise.

I know there is a genetic aspect to this because all of the boys in my family (my father, my brothers and my oldest nephew all have had similar behaviors).
I still at moments can't help but blame myself somehow. Nature vs nurture. Sadly I'm sure both play a part.

 

[Malaenis]

It sounds like you're doing really great with him. :)
I'll have to look into those books.

It's so hard bec...

My son doesn't get that extreme, but he will have those behaviors sometimes. If you haven't tried it, try making like it's no big deal, or like it's a joke. When my son says he doesn't like something he liked the other day, I'll laugh and say he's silly, he totally likes that, or something. Or I'll joke and say, ok guess I'll just donate all those toys, then he loves it again. Though if he's in a mood, he will pretend he doesn't care and get worse. You have to change your tactics constantly based on their moods. With food I tell my son ok, that's all you're getting though. Though I have to say, I was a very picky eater as a kid, I got so much crap for it. Even as an adult I am. I found out it's anxiety related. I assume it's because food can be a comfort, and when you can't control anything else, you cling to what few comforts and familiar things you can. So pay attention for that too.

As far as games, have you looked into the types of games where you have to work together to win? I didn't even know they had board games like that! My son and I have family game night once a week, and I use it to teach him those "play fair" skills. But sometimes, he gets so upset when he loses. And I won't cheat. Since he will beat me, and it ends up being pretty split who wins. Plus my mom would do that, and it killed my confidence. Like you're telling your kid they're not good enough to do it themselves by saying you cheated so they'd win. My mom liked to do that when I'd get excited I finally won. Anyways, the games I'm talking about, we have Rushing River or something. No one wins till everyone makes it to the end, and you get tokens that can be used to help yourself and other players. There's a bunch of games like that. My son struggles with teamwork, so I love them. It makes him more aware of what's happening with other people, not just himself.

I understand. I've only gotten more level headed handling it recently. I embraced my flight trigger and go on runs when I can, I do yoga almost daily, and I've been eating a lot healthier. Which has me feeling better at one level. Unfortunately you can't lose PTSD like you can pounds. My meds help too. For me, it helps having a schedule, and not deviating from it. I have set days I clean different things, schedule my different days for different exercises, and even his stuff. All the doctors are told both he and I need a set appointment time for recurring appointments. I also don't work right now, which is lucky since I don't get breaks, I have no sitters. I set up my first date in 9 months next week while he's with his mentor. Lol. It definitely helps to take breaks for yourself, but to do something that makes you happy(and oh I know how hard it can be). Over the summer, we read in the mornings with breakfast, so I get to relax with a book. When he's in bed, that's my time. I try really hard not to do any work and work on my art, or do something else that's just for me. Or to do emotional work at the time. It helps a lot. I feel less deprived.

I get it, I blame myself for it all the time, and berate myself when I slip up once and end up screaming at him because I can't take anymore. My therapist and his both know every reaction I have with him, and both reassure me that under the circumstances I'm doing the best I can. His first 4 years, we lived with various abusive family members of mine, a woman that became codependent on me and got angry when I started taking time for myself, then my only sane family member for awhile. Though still stressful living in someone else's house. I couldn't be there for him as much as I wish I had been. I was in such a bad place, and had no idea it was because of my family. I'd also been in an emotionally abusive relationship for close to three years of that time. But I try to forgive myself for it and remember that's in the past and now we're working on making it better.

I'm sure you're doing your best. This isn't easy. Parenting is tough, period. Never mind when you have a child that refuses to work with you and you already have your own stuff to deal with. I feel like having ptsd with it is the worst, because our children can trigger us, then we feel even more guilty.

And I totally get it, tickling triggers me. My mom thought tickling me was hilarious. And on a couple occasions tickled me till I couldn't breathe and I truly thought I was going to die. I gasped out for her to stop, said I couldn't breathe, and she didn't care because she thought it was funny. I was being too sensitive she'd say when I got angry when she finally would stop. I tell my son don't ever tickle me, and if I tickle him and he wants me to stop I make sure he knows I will. He's pretty good about respecting personal space with -me- because he doesn't want me to completely stop him from being able to touch me. He needs physical contact for comfort. And it can push me to a point where I have to tell him to get away and don't touch me, and I need almost 5 feet of space.

Luckily things have improved in our home a bit. I just have to remember to take care of me too.

 

[Friday]

@7Cs

Dead Link Removedis a really fantastic book. Nominally for Adult ADHD peeps, I usually recommend it to parents, as it shows the complete arc in how symptoms adapt over time with different coping mechanisms.

One important thing to remember with ADHD is that, unlike PTSD, the symptoms are static. They don't increase/decrease over time... What's here? Is here to stay. So what one does instead, is to use about 10 zillion coping mechanisms, and to implement foundational things in ones life (emotional monitoring and regulation, or situational awareness, for example) that always always always happen, to help counter the natural impulses. The urge to move, for example? Will always be there. But as we grow we learn to direct that from large muscle movements to small (to annoy other people less), and to direct it (sports, etc.).

ADHD arguing often gets mistaken for ODD... But there are foundational differences. With both ADHD & ODD you can tell them the sky is blue, and they will argue that as long as the day is. Whether impassionately, as if their life depended on it, or casually, or snarkily, or defensively all just depends on the mood of the moment & their past experiences. They key difference? ODD will argue purely as defiance. Up/down. Black/white. Yes/No. It's a compulsion, much closer related to OCD. ADHD, meanwhile, is arguing because 100 different what ifs pop into their head. Well... What if it's cloudy? Then the sky is white. Or stormy? Hello. Grey & black skies. No. It's not really blue. It's black. And full of stars. We just SEE blue, because of light reflecting off of water vapor. Are we limiting ourselves to planet earth??? Because I'm pretty sure the sky on mars is actually red. Do we have to be human in this question? Because fish and earth worms are going to have a different answer! And what IF...

@Malaenis ... ^^^ This ^^^ is a big part of why ADHD kids tend to do soooooo much better in gifted classes. Gifted teachers are not only used to seemingly tangential -but usually not if you trace the thought backwards- & cognitive LEAPS, but actually encourage & direct it...teaching children whose minds work like this how to synthesize their thoughts, and how to both present things cohesively, and USE the way their mind works as a strength, instead of constantly putting them down, tellin them they're wrong, getting them in trouble, dismissing, and effectively stepping on every creative and natural tendency as a weakness to be rooted out. Oh! Another great read (short) is the article "Is It A Cheetah?" By Stephanie Tolan. Also the website Hoagies Gifted. Link Removed . Tons and tons of resources! It's slightly tangential to the ADHD discussion, but most ADHD-I & ADHD-C kids are classed 2e / Twice Exceptional. AKA Are both gifted & have a learning disability. Giftedness isnt about being "smart". It's about brains that process & store information differently than the norm. As a result, there are quite a few disorders (ADHD, HFA, Dyslexia, etc.) that have a *very* high correlation between them; as their primary disorder? Is all about their brains processing and storing information differently!

Another great resource is www.additudemag.com. Every once in awhile an article creeps in that is absolute and pure BS, but they're both fairly rare and usually get pounced on by the community. ADHD IS strongly linked genetically (1:4 roughly), so a lot of ADHD kids have ADHD parents, who are pretty quick to call BS when something sneaks in that neurotypical parents think is great! and everyone else is like :banghead:

 

[Malaenis]

^^^ This ^^^ is a big part of why ADHD kids tend to do soooooo much better in gifted classes. Gifted teachers are not only used to seemingly tangential -but usually not if you trace the thought backwards- & cognitive LEAPS, but actually encourage & direct it...teaching children whose minds work like this how to synthesize their thoughts, and how to both present things cohesively, and USE the way their mind works as a strength, instead of constantly putting them down, tellin them they're wrong, getting them in trouble, dismissing, and effectively stepping on every creative and natural tendency as a weakness to be rooted out.

I was guilty of this a lot his last school year. Treating him like a troublemaker. But I've recognized over the summer he really struggles to do the right things, but, then the ADHD. I was just talking to another mom today about how you do need a million different coping skills for slightly different moods. Because you have to figure out what led to this, what does my son need from me right now, how can I diffuse this, or does he just need some space to calm down. He's very good about going to his bed on his own if he gets really angry/upset to calm down. I tell him punching a pillow, screaming into it, is perfectly ok. But screaming out loud, punching my walls, etc., is not. I make sure he knows I'm here to work with him, and I do want to help him.

It really kills his self-esteem. He is very, very smart. His reasoning, his inquisitiveness, is all on a different level(and I'm not just being a bragging mom, lol). So it breaks my heart when he starts saying he's stupid and gets so upset he says he wants to die instead of completing a task. Which is certainly something I can empathize with, but he's only 5. We worked on a school paper he had a really hard time with last time we did it. It ended horribly, I lost my patience, he was sobbing cause I went to my room for space. This time I reminded him how smart he is, and this will be so easy for him, and he can totally do this. I reminded him how every time he thinks he can't do something he does get it eventually, and sometimes completely on his own! He's very good at connecting things. Needless to say he finished the paper in record time without a single meltdown or freak out. I was so proud of him. He's getting a lot more confident lately. Though sometimes with reading he will give up if he thinks a word is too hard, and I can tell it's when he's overwhelmed and we do need to stop.

I really hope the school works with him better this school year. I wish I had the patience to home school, but I'm only surviving the summer because I know I get my time back in September. Lol.