CPTSD Sucks

[h2o]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to write some of this stuff down which is going round and round in my head. I seem to be in a really bad place at the moment and I'm finding it really hard to cope. I seemed to be in an okay place for a few weeks, but I've felt myself sliding downhill.

I'd got myself to a stable place where I had stopped drinking, was doing regular exercise, was paying attention to my diet and attending counselling. I wasn't great but I was "managing" things okay.

It all went to hell 9 days ago. I was driving along when a dog ran out in front of a car on the other side of the road. The dog was dragged under the car then rolled out from under the car. The other car stopped - I wanted to stop but somehow just couldn't, and drove off in a state of shock. I wish I had stopped to try and help. I love animals because they don't violate your trust like some humans do.

I think it has triggered this last episode of hyperarousal which has been going on since last Sunday. I can't seem to get my c**p together and I have been having lots of new distressing flashbacks of things which happened in my childhood, long before any of the domestic abuse or rape happened. Memories are coming back to me which I didn't even know were there, and I am finding it very distressing. The stuff that happened in my childhood I have never told anyone before

I also had 4 days of really bad side effects on citalopram so I am just trying to get over that.

I have resorted to drinking again, which I know is a stupid coping mechanism but it seems to be the only way I can get through this at the moment. I really need to get my head together and deal with this, but seem stuck at the moment. I hope I 'come back' soon...Thanks to everyone for being here, this forum is literally a lifesaver.

 

[James B.]

Hello h20 - sorry that happened to you while driving.

Something similar happened to me a couple months back. Shook me up pretty good. A cat had already been hit, writhing on the blacktop center lane. I was topping out on a large hill about 60mph, took a second before I could see what it was. Very sad. Saw I should just hold steady, drive right over the thing, didn't hit the cat per se, buy it hit the bottom of my car, thrashing about terminally wounded, as I passed over.

Complex PTSD is complex. This makes things more of a challenge for sure. Everyone has to find there own way, in their own time. Have many periods in my life where I felt just like you, for sure. Maybe when you feel strong enough, and perhaps comfortable enough here, you could check out the diary section. Doing my diary work, sticking with my diet, getting a little exercise everyday, finding meds that are (finally) helping, wearing my eye patch and learning left hand skills - are all certainly helping me. For real.

Sometimes, when facing stuff in my dairy, the catharsis was profound. Am talking kinda like feeling as though I am ripping in half, part of me dying, and beams of radiant light entering through my solar plexus. In truth, think much of my anxiety disorder and all my trauma are heal-able. But its taking dedicated hard work. 100% effort. I don't expect others to understand and I don't expect "perks" from society. Just got so tired of the self-sabotage, and dragging myself through one epic after another. Plus all the stupid sefl-hatred.

My losses - in total - from my unhealed trauma and un-managed anxiety disorder were catastrophic. It sound cliche, but I really and truely should be dead. I sure hope others don't drag themselves through the massive amounts of self torment like I did. Now I see crying (for example) as a gift and a purely natural thing. I use this gift to help me heal; catharsis. Writing diary is a powerful tool too. Hemispheric brain balancing is exciting and promising. My eye-patch cost $2.99. Am a skeptic, but think the thing's helping. Pretty cheap to try.

Take care h20, and good luck on your path to a better life. :thumbs-up

 

[Manic11]

Well step one is opening up and talking to others/asking others for help. Step one done! You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to post this thread.
I have the same issues with have flashbacks or odd memories of things I didn't remember happening before. It's hard but it's a normal part of CPTSD. I have a hard time with camping. I don't know why. It terrifies me. I looks like so much fun! I tried it one time, thinking maybe it was the distance away from home or something, at a campsite 15 minutes away from my house and I was still terrified. I'm thinking it's because maybe something happened to me while camping or in the woods and I repressed it. Now just seeing woods, trees or even the horizon scares me.

I can understand how you would want to stop to see if the dog is okay. Of course! Most people would! And I don't mean this in a bad way at all (I'm an animal lover just like you) but I think it's a good thing you didn't stop to check if the dog was okay. Maybe that would have caused more anxiety for you and even traumatized you. I understand its heartbreaking that these things happen but at the same time, I think that subconsciously you kept driving for a certain reason. And that's okay!

I hope you get back on track soon. So you fell off the wagon....it's not that far away. You can still catch up!

Manic

 

[h2o]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies. Last night I wrote down a list of all my traumas, then got really drunk and cried for about 2 hours. I know the drinking was a stupid thing to do, but it's done now and strangely I feel better today...almost like I am coming back again. The hyperarousal is subsiding. Decided this morning I am going to get through this, and I am going to live. I started the day with a fresh vegetable juice, and will start my alkaline diet again - don't know if it really works but I do seem to be more stable when I eat lots of raw fresh veggies and salads, rather than binging on a load of c**p - I suppose it makes sense really. Also feel like I might be strong enough to do a little exercise again tomorrow. On a bad day I can barely get down the stairs, and on a good day I can do an hour on the treadmill which puzzles me, but I am learning to accept it.

James B, I know the feelings of self sabotage and self-hatred. I am so tired of beating myself up, mentally and physically self harming. I am so tired of beating up my body, mind and soul with alcohol. Last night when I cried and cried it seemed to release something so deep within me, although I realise there is a lot more stuff to come out yet which is obviously going to take time and effort to heal. You are right about this taking 100% effort. Thanks for the info on the eye patch. Which side do you have to wear it on? I will try anything/everything to get well again.

I will try the diary work too, but need to get a little more strength up first. I have spent much of my life feeling like a complete freak, but writing those things down last night, even though it was only simple sentences has given me a different perspective on things. I always felt like it was my fault and I was to blame for a lot of things which happened - my life reads like a bad movie script and I always wondered how so many screwed up things could happen to one person. I think therefore a long time ago I came to the conclusion that it must be me. However despite this sometimes very debilatating condition of CPTSD, having the wonderful gift of this forum and reading other people's incredibly brave and powerful insights/advice, gaining knowledge in therapy,
and reading books I am starting to gain a self-awareness and knowledge of myself which I would have never thought possible.

I realise now that I never learnt any skills about setting boundaries and I guess people saw that vulnerability in me and took advantage, time and time again. In time I will learn.

Thanks James B, and manic for your replies. I have so much gratitude to everybody on this forum. Starting on Sertraline/Zoloft on Friday so I am hopeful it might help, and not give me the horrendous side effects which citalopram gave me.

There is hope.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi h2o.

Have just read this thread, and am pleased to hear that you are already moving on from the dark place of yesterday. I understand about the problems with alcohol. It was only after getting diagnosed with CPTSD that I acknowledged that for many years I have used alcohol as a crutch, as a coping mechanism. Initially my therapist told me to stay clear of alcohol because of the meds I had just started taking and I just stopped drinking withot any problem. I stayed off for months and then had no problem until such time as my T. said he thought I was stable enough to have a drink if I fancied it. But that was harder than I thought. I would not just have one drink. I drank until I was drunk and could forget why I was drinking. I drank until I fell asleep, or had an excuse to leave the company I was with and ran to my bed. It seemed to be all or nothing with me.

However I now seem to have a better control of it. The current advice I am following is not to have a drink if I feel I NEED one. Recently I was away for a weekend at a wedding that was for me a dangerous time. I had no alcohol for the whole weekend. This week a friend invited me to join her for a drink and there was just a wee group of us, and I got drunk. But happily so. It was fun, not stressful and we all had a good laugh. I was not working the next day anyway and it was nice to just be a bit daft. My T. came the next day and I told him I had a hangover but he just laughed. He said that I had acted 'normally' and we all need fun now and again. I had rather expected a telling off but not at all.

I hope I can continue like this, not drinking often, and not drinking for the wrong reasons. I certainly don't ever want to go back to the 'Old Me'.

I hope you find your new meds helpful. I take Quetiapine and have found it wonderful.

You say you like reading to gain more insight. I have recently read Buddha's Brain, which was leant to me by my T. I could not put it down. It is fascinating and so easy to read. It even has a following on Facebook!

All the Best

Lucy x

 

[h2o]

Thanks Lucy,

Thanks for the info - I just bought the book you mentioned on Amazon. Thanks for sharing the stuff about alcohol. I have always used it as a crutch too, and have always had problems controlling my drinking although this last week it has been out of control more than usual.

 

[James B.]

h20 - have tons of gratitude for this forum as well because it's the first place I found where people could relate.

Info on the eye-patch thing came from the "PTSD cure" thread started by Anthony in the main PTSD section of the forum. Fascinating stuff. I alternate eyes, started wearing it on the right, cause left eye weaker. Also, put my mouse on left of keyboard, switched function to left handed user. Just really relating to your determination, and all that. My anxiety disorder/PTSD makes me very sensitive to foods, too. There's some thread content on diet stuff too. I was a serious binge drinker, h20. Used to get 50% or more of my calories from beer. Had to leave that one behind. Took a long time, beat myself up with booze pretty bad. It likes to tug at me now and then, but I try to keep myself strong and well fed. Bulimia, alcoholism, career loss, long term illness, mis-diagnosis, homelessness - I have been there. And I am still here and still fighting and making real progress; am a believer in the power of the human will. To survive, and thrive...once again.

James B.

 

[h2o]

Hi James B,
Good for you and your posts and insights are always very inspiring/brave too. You certainly sound like you have the strength, will and determination to beat this. I can totally relate - been through my own rollercoaster ride of addiction, alcohol abuse, evictions, homelessness etc. too. I am so ready to put that behind me and move on. At least for now I am trying to leave the booze behind - it is literal insanity to add alcohol to fuel the fire in my state, so I am being kind to myself for a change.

Take care,
h2o

 

[James B.]

I sorta weaned off alcohol bit by bit.

Took the stance that when I was binging hard, my system would become washed out, the system of an addict/alcoholic, basically. Did some research along those lines and came up with some work by Linus Pauling. It struck a cord with me, and I started treating my addictions with nutrition. It has helped. Gradually, I have lost my taste for alcohol. The binges got smaller and smaller. Alcohol was a nightmare for me, and it feels good to have that monkey off my back. Now I can deal square with the other monkey's...Yep, being kind to myself. Lots of stigma wrapped up in my injuries. Incest, not a pretty subject. Being kind to myself is getting better, its not easy but for me it's pretty vital. I want to turn the tables on the stigma surrounding my trauma...I want to banish it and become fully aware that what I am doing (healing) is healthy. Feel I should be able to embrace the process (physically and intellectually), be able to grieve freely and naturally, and even - dare I say it - find a level of adventure and joy in my recovery. I am just way down on this stigma crud.

Good luck h20