Sexual Assault "cry Rape"

[Deleted member 37474]

I have been upset since yesterday. I was in a debate with a friend about the power of words. And she felt like women that "cry rape" ruin support for women who were "really raped." I asked her to define "real rape," and she said her friend was gang raped by 5 guys and in the hospital for two weeks. To her, that is rape. So she basically minimized what happened to me, to the point that she probably would have considered it rough sex and that I deserved it because i had been drinking and I left a party with a guy that I liked and invited him in. She believes that girls that report rape of boys they know are really just feeling regret for having sex with someone who used them. She doesn't know my personal story, but I have been dealing with ptsd from it since October and was finally getting to a place where I can cope and then this. It really set me back. Made me start to question myself and feel that it was my fault all over again. My heart was racing, felt like I was going to throw up and just had to go back to work like nothing had happened.

 

[Heather]

Her friends experience is hers and your experience Is yours. And if she can't be supportive of your feelings....is she really a friend?

you didn't want him to do that to you. You felt violated... Enough said.

No one can take that from you.

 

[bring em all in]

Rape is rape. Nobody's experience should be minimized. Please don't let your friend's lack of understanding and support shake your understanding of what happened to you, and the FACT that it was NOT your fault. Of course you have your emotional and physical reactions to her unkind, thoughtless words. I don't think you should deny your feelings but I understand having to go back to work. I am glad that you expressed your feelings here-Please keep them in the context of your friend triggering them. She does not get to define rape. She does not get to judge you.


What you say happened, did happen. It was not your fault. And even when that voice pipes up in your mind and raises doubts- please tell it (as many times-harshly or gently- as you need to): It did happen. It was rape. It was not my fault. And my friend is wrong.

 

[Suzetig]

If she doesn't know your story, her view about rape isn't a reflection on what happened to you - it's her view based on her limited knowledge and experience. She really can't minimise something she knows nothing about. You don't know that she would class your experience as rough sex, you're making assumptions that act to reinforce the self blame you've been struggling with. People with limited experience will often spout forth about date rape and will often change their view when confronted with the horrible truth.

Try not to use this as something to beat yourself up about - you don't need to blame yourself for what happened to you.

 

[bring em all in]

Suzetig wrote: "you don't need to blame yourself for what happened to you" to which I would add- you don't have to prove yourself to your friend, either.

 

[Friday]

Bad sex is not rape.
Regret sex is not rape.
Revenge sex is not rape.

Date rape is not sex.
Rape is not sex.
Violent rape is not sex.

It sounds like your friend has some personal experience in people deciding to get back at their ex, or a fling, or has listened to far too much of the bullshit advice of "anything you didn't love and feel amazing about at all times during and after, no matter how consensual it was is rape" that's been thrown around like confetti in recent years. That f*cking nonsense is rampant. And it very much does dilute and make it extremely difficult for date rape especially, but also every other variant of rape to be taken seriously.

What your friend was saying? Actually made her argument FOR her. Because she just lumped real actual rape, in with all the whackadoodle nutjobs, cowards, & well-intentioned but badly advised idiots. She's polarized. Only the most extreme examples are real. Violent stranger rape is rape, & everything else isn't. Nope. Not the way it works.

False rape allegations make it extremely difficult for real rape allegations. That's fact. Why? Because of exactly what's happened in your friend's head. Disbelief.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Bad sex is not rape.
Regret sex is not rape.
Revenge sex is not rape.

Date rape is not sex.
Rape is not...

Yes, considering the fact that I have experienced both regret sex and rape, there is definitely a difference. But, I really don't think that this person will ever see a difference and you are right, she is polarized by it, I now feel that she is "part of the problem" in our society. Also, I have only told a handful of people about what happened to me, and I couldn't tell her. Even if I could convince her, I think she would still tell me it was my fault and as often as I go back and forth between being fragile or extremely angry, I plan to just avoid her.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Friday I would like to add that Spousal rape is not sex. Sadly, for the longest time people around me made me believe that spousal rape was not rape, so I would like to stress than one.

 

[Friday]

@Fadeaway. Yep yep! I'm someone who generally enjoys having sex. For 10 years of marriage had sex at least once a day on average (fairly standard 1/5th drop rate, 5+ times a day in a new relationship, fractioned to about 20% of that in long term relationships). Last year of my marriage? Refused to have sex with the bastard. So he started drugging me. Violent? Nope. At least not usually. Stranger? Nope. Rape? You betcha.

 

[turtlemoon]

Big hugs for you if you would like them.

I feel for you, and agree with what everyone here is saying. When I was raped in June, I had a "friend" jump down my throat about how badly false rape accusations hurt men, then when I confronted him he turned to, Well, If you really were raped you need to do x, y, and z. As if he had any right to tell me what I needed fo do at that point. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Had a couple other friends give me grief over it too.. before they got a better gist of what happened.

And... what happened hurts. I invited the guy in. I consented to sex, but he immediately became very forceful in ways that hurt me. I repeatedly told him to stop, at one point told him if he didn't chill he could go, and then he did something to me I never consented to. Told a direct no, and didn't stop until my screams were so loud the neighbors could have heard.

And that is still rape. Consenting to one thing does not mean consenting to all the things. And consent can be retracted, and if that consent is retracted and sex continues despite this, that is rape.

I know what you are going through because I am going through it to. And it hurts. And it is so hard to not blame ourselves, especially when those we trust are blind to reality on what rape means and what it does.

I am saying this as much for my benefit as for yours, because I am still struggling myself. But we were not raped because of anything we did. We would not have been raped had a rapist not been present. The only one to blame here are the men who did this to us.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I've learned a lot here about perceptions of rape. Because of my upbringing (or possibly lack of upbringing), I had a very different perception of rape, which followed me to this forum. It's taken me a while to understand how very traumatic forced/coerced sex is to many people. Yes, it's rape. I wish I'd understood that as a teenager. I just assumed it was punishment for sinning.

 

[The Albatross]

@TexCat said, "I think she would still tell me it was my fault and as often as I go back and forth between being fragile or extremely angry, I plan to just avoid her." Such a shame (trying to think of another word... travesty? So sad? dunno), I'd reconsider this as it is not easy to have friendships. If you're gonna opt out of one, it should be based on facts rather than what you anticipate/think or feel someone is gonna do.

P.S. Perceived slights or hurts or flaws are a really rough reason to avoid having a conversation that might not be comfortable and to choose to cut off contact with a friend I think is very limiting in the end habitually or behaviorally.

P.S. Whoops, this is an old post. Any Updates @TexCat ?