Childhood Csa disclosure to partner and struggling with emotions

[Scott88]

after a very dark few months, I finally said the words to my partner that I was SA as a child, I do feel a bit of relief I am no longer ‘lying to him’ but I have the biggest regret telling him I feel absolutely disgusted .. I’ve spent decades denying it to myself, years been able to push it out of my head/ decades of not ‘remembering’ my life until I gave birth to my daughter and it all came spiraling back, and it hurts, it hurts so fricking much. I am SO ashamed, I am completely disgusted, the amount of guilt I feel I just feel so awful towards him that this happened to me, I am very struggling with my emotions so much, I’m trying to use all my techniques my T has / is teaching me. But the way I feel inside, the memories in my head, the feelings, what I’m seeing is haunting me I can’t even put it into words to explain.

 

[Still Standing]

Oh, Scout, I just saw your post. I am so sorry that you are now having such emotions and thoughts in reaction to the childhood abuse you experienced. You didn't deserve this treatment. These memories are tough, I am sure. But, they are memories and can no longer hurt you, actively. And you ARE NOT the terrible person that your mind says you are. These are just the lies that abuse screams at its victims. When you decided to tell your partner about your history, it opened the door for all the junk to be brought out into the light. That was actually your first step to healing. You have all these opened wounds now that need to be cleaned up and sutured. It is not enjoyable but you will make progress. As someone always reminds me, "Take baby steps". This is not a race, it is a walk. Just remember when your mind is overwhelmed with all the degradations it throws at you, they are lies...all lies. It is not who you really are. You are strong, you are caring, you are sensitive, you are loved by others, you are valued in your family structure, you are worth fighting for.

 

[Freida]

I am SO ashamed, I am completely disgusted, the amount of guilt I feel I just feel so awful

Yep -- been there (oh who am I kidding -- still am half the time!) You will find that a lot of people here have those feelings. So I'll tell you what they tell me over, and over, and over ....(I'm a slow learner!).
None of those feelings belong to you. Things were done to you -- you didn't do things. You are not to blame - regardless of what people have said to you in the past.

As for telling your partner --- how would you have felt if someone you loved had said those things to you? Opened up and been honest about horrible things that had happened to them? Bet you would have had empathy and been honored they chose to share their secrets with you. And you would have been the first to tell them they weren't disgusting......right?

Is your partner not that kind of person? :) yea -- its a trick question! But sometimes you have to see it backwards to understand....

 

[Scott88]

@Still Standing @Freida
I appriciate your replies so much so thank you for that.

@Still Standing the memories are very tough, and the way they are making me feel I can’t even put into words? I wish I could belive and acknowledge them nice things you put about been strong and loved etc, but I can’t and I don’t know how?

@Freida the disgust and guilt is so strong and powerful and is eating me alive, I’m glad you know how that feels well I’m not glad because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but I’m kind of glad you understand... (if I have worded that wrong I’m reallt sorry I hope you understand what I’m trying to say) but I am to blame, I was a horrible person my whole childhood, and I know it’s in the past but it doesn’t feel like it and I guess you can relate to that aswell. It’s just so hard and I just seem to be getting deeper and deeper into this deep dark hole which is surrounded me with awful things. My t keeps telling me how we have to update things and that it’s not going to go away I’m not going to forget it all that’s not going to happen. But I need it to, how can I live normally how can I cope for the rest of my life with not been bothered or hurt by these feelings memories and images, I just can’t see..

Thank you @Freida the part about what you said about telling my partner that was very helpful

 

[Still Standing]

it’s not going to go away I’m not going to forget it all that’s not going to happen. But I need it to,

Your therapist has said these same words to me a couple of times. I have replied exactly as you have: I want then to be gone. I don't want to remember. So, we work on desensitization. We choose a trauma event from childhood ( sexual abuse is my history, too) and I write it out. Then, the first time, in office, I read it to the Therapist. We discuss it. Then my assignment is to continue rereading what I wrote, out loud, over and over again. The more you face the event and read it, the more desensitized you become to it. The memory does not go away but the hurt and sting gets less. And when my reactions get bad, the Therapist reminds me that I am safe now. The abuse can no longer hurt me. If I can grasp that, the panic, fear, and junk calm down. Now we are going to take these memories and do EMDR so that I can further process the events. This is all a process. As I shared with you before, you have opened the door and let the light of day expose your abuse. It is hitting you all at once. It is a lot to handle. Then you throw in your self view of not being good enough, being a bad person, being stupid, etc. it just adds to the mix of self hatred and feelings of hopelessness. I totally relate to you...totally. But there is hope: hope that you will be able to learn now to desensitize and learn that you are not a rotten person. You were a victim. There is hope for a better day for you. And it is hard to accept and believe about yourself. But there are many here who are also SA victims who are or have walked the same healing path that you can have. And there are all of us here who are willing to walk with you as you go through therapy. If you aren't, you need to be in the care of a psychologist or therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD. You need the support. You cannot do this on your own. Stuffing and hiding the trauma only makes things stew and steam until it breaks out and causes all sorts of problems. This I know, because last year, I tried to defend myself against a doctor who simply was going to inject my shoulder. I was so embarrassed that I went right home and called a psychologist for help. We soon realized that I was acting out because of my SA and childhood abuse at 67 years of age!!! I cannot tell you how so much of the abuse affected my adult life and family life. At my age, I am finally understanding and willing to work on making myself a healthier person. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? Of course not. It is a decision to face things and begin to learn how to live outside of the lies the abuse has told me who I was, all these past years. You don't want to wait almost you whole lifetime, white-knuckling your memories. It is not worth the energy. You need some assistance for you sexual abuse trauma. You are worth every second of help from a mental health expert! You are not a terrible person.

 

[Still Standing]

Sorry Scout88, I reread your initial post. You are seeing a therapist. That is a great. It is so hard to think that you can get a handle on your memories, but you can. And it is difficult to utilize the tools your T is teaching you in order to calm yourself. I find it very hard to make these my norm. It is so easy to simply slip back into the feelings of hopelessness, the "I can't", and "It's too hard" reactions. And, the beginning of my first sentence on the previous post, I started it out as "Your therapist". Obviously that is a bit of a mistype. I meant to say "My therapist..." It is tough getting old...:rolleyes: There is something else I want to share. Maybe it will help you, maybe not. Prior to seeing my psych doc, I knew that if I did not decide to trust him, that I would not go back for a second session or any, for that matter. Knowing myself and my issues of distrust, I committed to trusting this doctor. When stuff gets rough and I want to bail, I remind myself of my commitment. If I run away again from help or fight against my treatment plan, I will not get better. For some reason, this trusting was tantamount to me being willing to work on learning better coping skills. I think for all of us, there is a part of us that has to decide to fight to get better. We all cry, whine, think we are hopeless, can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, get discouraged...it just comes with the territory. But, it is that spark of fight that is in us that keep us looking for help. Let your spark of fight influence your decision to move forward and walk through the muck of memories past, so you can walk out of that stuff and live a life much more full of good things. You can do this. And we are all here to help support and encourage you, too.

 

[Freida]

No worries about wording..I knew what you meant :)

but I am to blame, I was a horrible person my whole childhood, and I know it’s in the past but it doesn’t feel like it and I guess you can relate to that aswel

Nope...not buying it. Children are not horrible. People who raise them to think they are horrible are the ones at fault. I still say I did horrible things to survive but as time goes on it gets easier to question that statement. This is where you will get it you keep working.

One day you will understand the difference between the things you did and the things that were done to you. Then you will see you were never horrible to begin with. You were just taught to believe their lies

 

[Scott88]

Your therapist has said these same words to me a couple of times. I have replied exactly as you...

Thank you so much for your replies, you don’t realise how much the words and help mean to me. My T says we need to work on more stabilisation before working with any of the trauma, it’s just so so overwhelming and confusing and painful hard to express into words. I’m guessing you get that.. you are 10000% correct with the bit about the exposure of my abuse (that disgusted me writing that word,. But the self view of myself yes you are also right there I could have written that myself it feels in my head I am the only person in the world that feels like this and I actually know I am not... and I am so fricking sorry that other people do/have/will experience this. You say there is hope and to feel ok and I know people here HAVE got through it it just seems so impossible at the minute. I appriciate so much knowing people ‘are there’
I also have a very hard time trusting people always have, I’ve always been let down I guess by people I think / thought I trusted. My new T is very experienced in trauma and csa so I just hope I can learn to 99% trust him because I will never 100% trust anybody . You seem you have got through so much hurt pain like I am feeling now and are on an upwards spiral and I am so glad that people have got through this. The amount of times recently I’ve just wanted to give up because not thinking I can ever get out of this, but I NEED to for my daughter since she was born it has unleashed all of this which is totally not fair on her I need to give her the best life possible that’s all I want for her, I don’t want her to suffer any hurt pain I need to keep her safe.

 

[Scott88]

Thank you once again @Still Standing

 

[tarjei]

You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about - what happened was not your fault. My partner also suffered CSA and, FWIW, my reactions are anger at her abuser and at the adults who failed to protect her, and a desire to help her heal. I think confiding in your partner and going to therapy are positive steps.