Childhood Csa memories and symptoms

[star55]

i’m really confused and need clarification on things if someone could help rn. i always had the feeling that something happened to me and that creepy/uncomfortableness around my father more when i was in middle school because i don’t remember a lot before that. he continues to live in the house until 2 year ago. throughout high school he did stuff like tell my to search something on his phone and i would go into the internet and porn would be playing and i like froze up and i was feeling disgusting and in shock and i looked up at him and he was f*cking smiling! i know i hated being around him and i would freeze up around him. i remember another time i was dancing in the living room (where i thought no one was in there) and i turned and he was sitting on the couch touching himself. i felt repulsed and when straight to my room. but as of this year i was remember more from early childhood that i have always kind of had a part of but not really. i was around 5 and 6 and he would touch me, he would take me into the shower and jerk off in front of me. they are very vague and not full memory’s so idk if more happened but i had a flash of my crying in the corner of my shower in pain. i was having these visuals and emotional flashbacks really intensely for like 2 months. i had body flashbacks more after. it’s like it all makes sense and you know how i am effected to it today. it all makes sense. but i really don’t have nightmares. so my question is that normal? i don’t dream at all. if you have complex ptsd (which i do) or ptsd if it normal not to have nightmares? i only have flashbacks. so a part of my denial wants to say it didn’t happen because you don’t have nightmares. like it that odd that i don’t?

your mind can’t make up stuff like this right? it can’t make up actually body sensations and those intense emotions when that stuff comes up. idk

 

[Rumors]

I just wanted to post and say no your mind can't make that up. I hope you are seeking some professional help to figure all of this out. It sounds as if your dad had the propensity to do bad things. I hope you are able to come to terms with all of that. Hang in there.

 

[Emotional girl]

For me the body sensations have been the biggest indicators for recalling CSA.Like you said you can't make them up and they are very intense.
I think we all remember what happened in different ways and none of them are right or wrong but I think we all know in our gut what happened.
Have you been able to talk to anyone about the way you are feeling and your memories

 

[Abstract]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Have you found a therapist that specialises in trauma? Are they they same person who diagnosed you?