Custody

[Casey_03]

As some of you know, the father of my baby is an abusive prick who terrorized me throughout the pregnancy. He is now attempting to see the baby. My question is -- if I ignore him and block his visit, can that be used against me later in court? As in, can he use that to claim I am an unfit mother who "kidnapped" the baby or tried to keep the baby from him for my own personal reasons? I ask because that seems to be the consensus on online forums about custody battles -- that it will work against me later if I block his right to see the baby. Anybody know? I should note that the case is international and he and I don't live in the same country or even share the same citizenship.

 

[Suzetig]

I guess on a very practical level, how would he plan to see the baby regularly when you don't live in the same country? The issue of contact is pretty redundant if it's not physically possible. Similarly with custody, presumably you can evidence requests for support that he's refused, contact with him and his family rejecting you and the baby?

I'd be inclined to hear what he has to say about contact because unless you or he are going to move to at least the same country, it's just not going to happen.

 

[Casey_03]

@Suzetig That's what I thought as well, but apparently he can go through a court to get joint custody that would require me to bring the baby to the UK for visits with him. I just don't know how difficult it would be for him to do. I do have documentation of him verbally abusing me and dismissing the baby, etc, but I think he can argue that he changed his mind and sought to see the baby (which he is doing now). Also, he is not on the birth certificate but he can get a court ordered paternity test to claim parental rights -- again, I just don't know how difficult it would be for him to do considering the international jurisdiction. I am just concerned that if I block his visit now, which is what I've been doing, he will use it against me in court to say I deprived the child of his father for my own personal reasons.

 

[journey31]

What country are you in?
What are the laws for where you are?

 

[Suzetig]

Given the issues around international law, I think you really need to seek expert advice - what you are asking is pretty technical and misinformation could have serious and lasting effects for all involved.

I don't mean to sound unsupportive, but I do worry about you looking for advice on such complex issues from random people on the Internet.

 

[Casey_03]

I'm in Ukraine, but the laws here don't apply because I'm not a citizen. And neither is the baby, nor the father. Basically, there is an international agreement between the UK and Ukraine that does allow for the father to seek custody (Ukrainian courts would be involved because I have residency here), but I'm not sure how easy it would be for him to do any of this in practice. On paper, yes, there is such a mechanism. But in practice, it's not so simple. All I know is he'd need to pay an expensive international lawyer, as would I. I have been blocking him but am now worried he will use this against me as well.

 

[Casey_03]

@Suzetig I'm definitely not relying solely on advice from random people on the Internet. I'm just asking if anyone here knows if blocking a father's visits can be used against the mother later in court to argue she's an unfit mother. That is my concern. I need several thousand dollars to pay for lawyers, and that will take several months for me to save up. They won't give me a free consultation. So in the meantime, yes, I am asking around. Does that mean I'm not seeking expert advice? Definitely not.

 

[Chimera]

I suggest that you stay the course you are on until paternity is proven.
I say this because there is the possibility that he may decide to take the child with him if given the opportunity.
Have him prove paternity, then find out what must be done. Stay in the moment on this, you can make yourself sick worrying about things that may not come to pass.
Best wishes.

 

[Suzetig]

I think you'll find that Ukraine laws do apply while you are resident there and your child, born in the Ukraine, would at least have dual citizenship so the law would apply to him. You really do need proper advice on this because your understanding of the law seems off.

UK or US law won't trump the legal powers and duties of the country where you are resident, assuming you aren't living on a U.S. Military base abroad.

 

[Casey_03]

I should clarify -- I am not seeking expert advice on here. I am curious about experiences. I also don't see why asking for advice on here and getting expert consultation would be mutually exclusive. People post on here with sensitive questions about PTSD and mental health all the time - does that mean they are entrusting their own mental health to random Internet folk? No. It means they want to hear about other people's experiences. I post on here with my issues because they are the issues stressing me out and I am curious about other people's experiences, not because I am going to follow the advice of randomers with no expertise on the subject.

 

[journey31]

@Suzetig I'm definitely not relying solely on advice from random people on the Inte...

That actually depends on the laws

Like here it's a mother's state. She can pretty much do anything

Other states Father's have more rights

But your issue is more complex than states

 

[Casey_03]

@Suzetig I did consult a lawyer on what law applies, as well as the U.S. Embassy. Ukraine laws do not apply, I've already gotten that far in the process. And no, the child does not have dual citizenship. That comes straight from Ukrainian authorities -- he does not get citizenship here, he has only U.S. citizenship. So please do not tell me my understanding of the law seems off, when I've already consulted the appropriate Ukrainian bodies on this subject and been dealing with this for months. I am not sure where you got the idea the baby would have Ukrainian citizenship, but it seems it is your understanding that is off, not mine. Which makes sense and is fine, since I am the one dealing with this on the ground, not you.