Dating A Vet: What Do I Do Now?

[Kdsquared09]

I'm new to this site and really value what I'm reading so far! You're all amazing! It's comforting reading all these posts. I sure need the support!

I've known my guy for over 20 years. We grew up together, were friends throughout elementary and high school, but never dated. Timing wasn't on our side. Life happened & we went our separate ways after high school thru our 20's & some of our 30's. He went into the Navy, got married & had a son.

They/He moved all over & has deployed 6 times to date. He got a divorce 10 years after getting married (2007) and they have a civil relationship. Their son lives with his ex wife and her boyfriend in PA near where we both grew up. He lived in VA & dated a girl while living there for 3 years. That ended a year ago in "his head" after getting home from his last deployment in Iraq. It "officially" ended earlier this year because he had orders to move to San Diego, CA.

So, we reconnect on Facebook years ago but in March by his initiation he sends me a message on Facebook. We chat. Yet, one night in April, we have a 4 hour chat about everything imaginable. From how he always carried this torch for me in high school but timing was never right. I never knew! Talked about our families, jobs, hobbies, dreams, everything. He asked me to visit him in CA. I seriously considered it. Crazy I know.

It was as though I picked up with a girlfriend like no time had passed. It got to more serious talk about us bother wanting marriage (he'd remarry) to the right person and have children. It was uncanny, easy & all open. He said I was the one that got away, I wasn't getting away this time & he'd marry me one day! Haha.

So we started texting or emailing daily or every few days. Then he stepped up & started calling in May. Great, long conversations mixed in with texts & emails. Summer was challenging. He had a lot of friends & family visit so the texts & calls became less. He'd always come back with, I'm so sorry, I was so busy. I'm not mad at you.

We kept talking & August, I went to VA on vacation, he had me meet up w his old friends as an approval tactic or something. I passed. By then my visit to CA had been pushed to Sept. I grew inpatient, walked away, wrote an email saying I didn't think our 2nd chance was going to happen & didn't get a response. I prepared to be just friends even though he'd text here & there but my heart & feelings always led back to him. So, October came & on a whim we talked awhile & he asked if I still wanted to visit. So we booked my flight! Ahhhh! So surreal, excited & nervous!

He called & said, I need to see you & here are the 3 things we'll consider:
1. You come here, have a great time & feelings grow more.
2. You see CA life & if you like it.
3. You see that military life is different & how you view that.

We talked here & there up to my trip on Oct. 23rd. He was traveling & I've learned isn't a huge texter over the last 6 months. He will but he's better when he can talk on the phone. He likes his space. Me too.

I'm a nervous /excited mess Oct. 23rd. Our reunion is something out of a movie. Our 4 days together is beyond amazing. In synch. Easy. Connection. Talked all the time. Open. Honest. He respected me in every way possible & didn't push sex. It was more about intimacy, how happy he was I was there, and how much fun we had just being together.

He opened up again about PTSD. (Did once in June & that was challenging at first. I backed off & he opened up. But then he admitted that he was messed up after Iraq the 1st few times & has survivor guilt. ) He takes drugs, keeps a journal, goes to groups. Noted he felt safe w me. Asked me if I could be w him, be in this life w him? I said I think I could & would. Asked about our kids being athletic.

Well I saw the PTSD when combined w alcohol & no food later one night. Fire pit brought some triggers where he was talking to himself, telling me & his friends he hated us, to that I was his girl & he loved me. He had nightmares, talked to himself & I just rolled with it knowing a bit about PTSD.
When the 4 days ended, there was alot of feelings that developed. His actions backed up all his words. I started falling for him, told him I could/would want to be with him like he asked, that our friendship is really good & about building on it & where do we go from here?

He said he wanted to think before responding never being in our situation.

Flash forward 2 1/2 weeks now. We've barely texted, he hasn't responded to a lot of my texts but we texted a bit tonight. But we're still in limbo.

I don't know if we're still friends. Or even if he wants to be more/has feelings/what's next like long distance at first? It had been over a week w no communication before tonight. I go thru emotions like was it a lie? (He'd have to be a great actor to fake our time together.) Are there other girls? Playing me? (Yet, he's always been honest & said he's single. Dated 1 girl in CA.) Why non responsive? Doesn't care anymore? Again, said he was busy & life was very good.

So I'm in PA, he's in CA. 2 1/2 weeks post trip. I have feelings for this man, beyond friendship. I want to figure out the next step but can't push. I know that has reverse affect. I hate being in limbo & the non responses 90% of the time. But I know in my heart, we could be together. We just work. It was 4 days, but a solid friendship rekindled from years ago, with feelings & 6 months of talking & liking each other a bit more than friends.

I don't know if I throw in the towel or just be there as his friend now & get to that conversation in time about next steps.

Being with him is exactly how I want to be in a relationship with someone. I've read alot of PTSD & want to learn more.

Thoughts? Advice? Comments?

 

[Kdsquared09]

Thank you to the moderator, JL for starting my own post rather than it get lost in a thread. I need support & feel this forum will help!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, long distance relationships are a LOT easier for us because we can hide our episodes. I can get away with as little as an "I need space" text while having a major episode and the other person knows nothing of what is really going on. (Yeah, I've done it plenty of times, and it sounds like he sort of does the same, too, I in that you've seen very little of his PTSD side.)

I'm a bit concerned that he drinks and has episodes like that. My concern is that he knows that drinking brings on an episode, yet he does it anyway. That's not exactly taking responsibility for his healing as he continues to drink, and when drunk ends up treating everyone around him like shit. Yes, PTSD had a role in it all, but the truth is that he shouldn't be drinking if things end up like that. Yes, it sucks to always be the sober bitch, but at least you don't end up losing your friends because of all the alcohol spurned episodes.

Does he have other girls? Who knows. I know I've always got a few guys on the side but no commitment means its all good. They're not "mine" so I'm not lying. Was it all a lie, his emotions? I doubt it. More like he's just numb now and doesn't feel anything. Its pretty typical in PTSD, so if you can't handle the numb phases where he isn't affectionate, then I'd say this isn't the guy for you.

It sounds like long periods of silence are par for the course with this guy. You need to decided if that sort of relationship is acceptable to you. Can you handle it?

Thinking ahead, if things do work out and there is talk about moving, be sure you do a trial run of a few months of living together first. I've seen so many other long distance relationships (both PTSD and non-PTSD) crash and burn because people could get along on the phone, by text, and on short visits, but when real life set in, it was just too much to bear. (I knew a guy who met his girlfriend online and they dated for SEVEN years, seeing each other every other weekend. They then got married, and immediately after moving in with each other they knew they weren't compatible. They stayed married for 7 years and are now getting a divorce. Seems they were compatible for only 2-3 day stretches, but never bothered to test it beyond that before moving in/getting married.)

 

[Kdsquared09]

@Solara
Thank you so much for this response! Good to know regarding how it's easier to hide episodes with PTSD being long distance. Makes more sense now.

To be honest, one of my red flags after my trip was yours: the drinking. I know it's not healthy. (And I only have experienced one full blown one! Although I recognized it being that, rolled with it & didn't get emotional, it still wasn't the most fun thing to deal with.) And treating people like shit to not remember what you said/did the next day, well not so cool. So he really may not be taking healing seriously which is a huge red flag! Thanks for the reminder.


I can't obsess over other girls, especially at this point since you're right, there is not commitment; he's not mine, we aren't together, etc.

The emotions felt real and mutual for sure. Good to hear that he may be numb now & doesn't feel anything.

Honestly, if he was OPEN & HONEST on a bit more deeper level about having such episodes & that they will happen, and how he can get, I would be okay with that. (Are those even acceptable questions??????) I've learned over 7 months that he isn't always "on" (not that anyone is) & backed off. The affectionate part isn't doable because of the long distance but something to consider. The disappearing acts are not fun especially after we talked about boundaries like communicating every few days in some capacity. So he may not be right for me. I do have my own life that is very full. But I would be lying saying I didn't enjoy us talking more regularly like before my trip despite episodes resulting in not talking.

If I know something up front & someone is honest whether I like it or not, if I like that person enough, I respect their wishes & go on with my life. We all have to compromise in relationships.

I actually respect & take your advice to heart 100% about the moving & trial run of living together if it even went that route in the future. And how that's for anyone with or without PTSD. Super valid points that some people are only compatible via technology or for a long weekend but nothing more. He's said his marriage lasted as long as it did & last relationship because he deployed so much. And that's also one of the reasons they didn't pan out.

So I ask after all my ranting (sorry), what do I do?
Do I call him up & politely just ask what we're doing and of course accept whatever answer I'm given? The limbo of him telling me he had to think about where do we go from after my trip for almost 3 weeks, well it just is stressful & not fair. Hell, he may not answer or have one, but then I know. No more guessing or speculating.

Thoughts on what to do now???? I know lots of users have experienced this.