Daughter idolizes my abuser

[blueheartandgoldfish]

I have a slightly different take on this whole thing. I suggest you get your daughter into therapy ASAP. I would talk to the therapist first about what your concerns are, because this conversation needs to happen between a neutral party and your daughter I believe.

In the meanwhile I look up family dynamics. Narcissistic or sociopathic behavior, golden child, scapegoating. And in the meanwhile keep up your strength so that you’re strong if and when this whole thing blows up in your daughters face.

As an adult child of a VERY similar situation, I agree with the advice that you take your daughter to a therapist. I had this attitude about my dad and now I'm having to deal with it as a 30 year old and it is very disruptive. My mom tried to kind of rage me into not spending time with him, so I don't think that will work, but I wish someone had taken me to a therapist as a young woman. Connecting like that to an abusive man is going to set me up for complicated and more dangerous relationships in the future, imo

 

[blackemerald1]

Remember this 'child' is 18. Does the law allow a parent to force someone this age into therapy? Especially when she's just stopped therapy recently? Why did she stop? Maybe she will not go now? OP doesn't provide context regarding this.

When I was a young woman I wasn't listening to too many wiser souls lol !

 

[marto]

I think her idolizing him is simultaneously being disloyal to you but she probably doesn't think of it that way.

 

[Skywatcher]

I have a child the same age and as scary as it is, we can’t protect them anymore. We can only be their safe space to fall. I also don’t think it is your responsibility to pay for flights or travel for her to see him. He should buy the plane ticket or pay for her gas. I know... it will turn you into the “bad guy,” and maybe you should discuss that with your therapist first, but without legal order I can’t imagine paying money to send my child to see someone that almost killed me whether it is her dad or anyone.

 

[blackemerald1]

I agree with @Skywatcher I'd not be handing over money for that kind of travel. If they want to see one another then her father could pay for this expense?

Idk maybe there is a court order regarding this? There could be many conditions stipulating who pays what.

 

[Skywatcher]

@blackemerald1 I could be wrong, but if she graduated and is 18, I think the courts no longer control the situation.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah @Skywatcher - I agree but in some jurisdictions eighteen is no limit to what Court Order's may compel parties to a proceeding to do or not do. This may include financial arrangements. For instance, I'd imagine there are a lot of parents still paying for education fees etc., way past that age. Who knows... it could have been agreed to. The OP has not returned to give context. See post #14, :)

 

[Gs172003]

Id be careful in the situation. On one hand you don't want to lose your daughter. On the other, you don't want her to become a victim. Also, it feels betraying for her to be ok with someone that hurt you so much. It's all so hard. What does your therapist say?

 

[Gamera3000]

My son is too young for this to be tested yet, but my husband and I use a poisoning the well approach about our sons bio dad. Whenever we see homeless people, drug addicts, woman beaters, shiftless lazy people and so on, we point out how bad and dangerous that kind of person is and how it’s important to stay away from them.

We figure when he finds out about the bio dad he will see for himself what kind of person he is. The bio dads natural charisma will not cover for his obviously bad life choices.

So maybe hammer down on how bad it is to hurt women and not pay for your kids and then when she finds out (from others) that he did that she will have a stronger reaction.

 

[somerandomguy]

homeless people

drug addicts

shiftless lazy people

Dear lord. Are you aware that many homeless people and drug addicts are victims of circumstance? Even if they're not, the fact that they're homeless or addicted doesn't automatically make them dangerous or bad people.
And how in the world do you identify a "shiftless lazy person?"

 

[blackemerald1]

My son is too young for this to be tested yet, but my husband and I use a poisoning the well approach about our sons bio dad.

Why waste all of that energy and happy time doing that. Enjoy your son and allow him to develop his own opinions and balance.

We figure when he finds out about the bio dad he will see for himself what kind of person he is.

^But he will anyway. No matter what you do... What will you do when he still loves him because odds are he will?

Dear lord. Are you aware that many

Agreed SRG - :hilarious: A shitless lazy person... who is that??

And anyway.... (not funny) many people on this forum have been or at constant threat of becoming homeless due to being victims of crimes, poverty and sometimes just bloody life. It's not a crime or a reasonable way of determining or judging the character of a person. It's not usually a life-style choice? Is it reasonable for children to judge their parents that way?

@Gamera3000 I know you do these things from a perspective of love for your child. So please be careful about the message.

@Gamera3000 the child is born from that bio dad... there is a relationship there that is undeniable and the child may feel the complete rejection and judgement of the bio dad by you and partner is also, vicariously saying negative things about the child... because that child is biologically related.

I don't know why your child's bio dad is so bad but I know there could be many really legit reasons. My suggestion is teach him how to live, not hate and by your own example for a start. I've had to deal with ex's and children too. Be so very careful.