Hello.
My name "kay-os" is symbolic of my inner sanctum... being in chaos. It is also my psydonym for my poetry at times aswell....
"Daymare" because it's like we're living nightmares while awake.
Ever stepped back in time?...
For years... I have suffered in silence, petrified of judgement. Negligence. Patronizing. Minimising and plain lack of compassionate understanding... I've never seen through proper professional help... because I usually stopped attending counselling appointments around the 5th visit... why? Overwhelmed... triggering. Etc
Through self diagnosis... relating TO EVERY ARTICLE ABOUT SYMPTOMS, I concluded...
I have C-PTSD... So technical isn't it? 5 letters can sum up psychological traumas equivalent to mass destruction... (no pun intended)
Try telling your friends you have this... 5 letters... (they nod. Ask inane questions like "how" and "how do you know" etc... shrugging off your illness like "oh well, we're all a little mentally left of centre"
It's like a bomb goes off inside your body and you're left cleaning the carnage... trying to repair your vital organs, so you can breathe and maintain your mask of normalcy.
We do it though...
Try explaining the general gist of C-PTSD. "Oh it's basically just flashbacks of traumas that I've been through, it's like I relive them sometimes... when something triggers a memory"
just flashbacks... yeah, that explains the tsunami that crashes down over your body and washes you so far out to sea, cold and isolated, floating as currents take you wherever they please...
that explains the electric storm that sends shock therapy pulsating your brain and rain pouring out your eyes...( if you manage that is, to bypass the roar of anger as loud as thunder that often takes its place)
That explains the graphic, horrific yet extremely vivid images that wake you in the middle of the night crying, in a pool of sweat... because you just watched those you love... die. Or the heightened awareness when you woke from a dream where you were left alone to turn into a corpse and morph into hell because you were forgotten at the park... (a dream from your childhood... you still recall in pictures till this very day...
That explains how you feel like you're not living your life... you're merely watching it... aware that it's you optically... but spiritually... you're just observing yourself, intermesh and weave into the masses... blending in to social scenes.
That explains your darting eyes, that explains the earthquake beneath your flesh that appears merely a tremble....
The blank stare, almost like you're empty... into oblivion, that some egotist mistakes as you staring at them...
"I have C-PTSD"
5 letters sum up the fact that the past isn't the past for me... it repeats quite often. 5 letters sum up the fact my body is alien to me, my minds an explosion, my hearts 9/11.... everytime I exercise my right to fly, my building comes crashing down. 5 letters expresses the isolation and purgatory inside my soul... and the complexity of connections I manage to obtain... the rollercoaster of angels and devils, fears. The fighting it takes... just to open up, Even a little... How absurdly confronting it is, to allow someone to see my vulnerabilities...
the battles that go on behind my eyes, as I take a gamble on making a friend....
The million other wars I face, upon interacting with others... (who may care, but have a narrow patronizing view... that's at times insulting to my integrity.) But I swallow... because, how are they meant to even begin to fathom complete chaos and devastation, when I'm seemingly smiling and shallowly involving myself in the groups interactions?
When not even I, spiritually observing... can tell I'm wearing a mask.
I have C-PTSD. 2 years ago, I didn't know what it was myself. All I knew, was... I was either so awake to the drone like nature of brainwashed society... that I abandoned myself to preserve my mind... or, this sense of feeling like a robot while my spirit watched, was an actual condition.
The numb stupor I orbited in along with dejection, isolation (I had no friends then) paranoia, violent images, violent dreams, chaos, emptiness, intense and explosive anger and intense fear of abandoning or abandonment... lead me down multiple possible disorders... and technical terms for my symptoms. Such as Codependency. Learning my partner at the time was narcissistic, my father psychopathic... and adding childhood trauma, eventually lead me to my SELF DIAGNOSIS.
I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT I INDEED HAVE C-PTSD.
As I read the criteria... an icy chill caressed my skin. Senses on hyperdrive, I finally found a name for my ailments... and at the same time, found a diagnosis for my partner... was I relived? Well... who's to say. I recall the emotions I experienced but can not pinpoint their angle...
I mean I just summed up in a few words, years n years, upon years of psychological torture... amnesia (first 13 yrs of life just doesn't exist for me at all) ... and learned my abandonment principles... were an irrational fear of loss stemming from childhood and not actually normal... That although all my traumas and abuses, do not seemingly affect my ability to parent my kids... they indeed have affected me as an adult in more ways than I originally thought. I still recall the chill as I discovered Codependency and Narcissism. Empath. Etc etc... but although I felt cheated... the knowledge did help me overcome my Codependency and after a year of study into disorders... pack my bags and leave an emotional prison... 32 years of my life... were lived in traumatic circumstances. Little to my knowledge was the 14 yrs by my partner, considered abuse at all... I never knew "emotional abuse" was an actual thing... but it makes sense... also explains why I tolerated it... being abused through adolescence and probably many blocked years before that... needless to say ABUSE... is all I've ever known. (Confronting)
Here I am 2 years later, writing this EXTREMELY long introduction... only a novice. Knowing I have C-PTSD. But still, trying to find effective ways to cope with it. I read about "triggers" today and have recently discovered that not only do I have visual triggers "certain look in someones eyes" that stimulate the fear response, I also have emotional triggers. "Words used today... that I relate to when was used growing up, that made me that sick with guilt i threw up" I recall it in vivid detail... I also feel an intense empathy for pained expressions, overwhelming compassion for women being emotionally abused... etc etc
I still yearn to be fully open, loved and accepted as I am. One day... I long to have a spiritual connection, yet, know that I first need to connect with myself... and now, after 3 failed relationship attempts... (2 after I discovered narcissism) there's a new fear... I'm scared because I've managed to select nothing but toxic partners for myself... and fear love now. So much so, that I do not feel that I can ever allow myself to be raw, real and completely open... I'm scared the next heartbreak will push me over the edge and destroy what little soul I've managed to repair... to the point of no return.
Because I yearn above all, for this mind transcending connection... yet, fear with all of me at the same time... futility looks like the outcome of my life.
If you read all of this... THANK YOU. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT. If upon reading this... you feel I could learn from or open my mind to any articles/links... I'd appreciate the suggestion.
Cheers
My name "kay-os" is symbolic of my inner sanctum... being in chaos. It is also my psydonym for my poetry at times aswell....
"Daymare" because it's like we're living nightmares while awake.
Ever stepped back in time?...
For years... I have suffered in silence, petrified of judgement. Negligence. Patronizing. Minimising and plain lack of compassionate understanding... I've never seen through proper professional help... because I usually stopped attending counselling appointments around the 5th visit... why? Overwhelmed... triggering. Etc
Through self diagnosis... relating TO EVERY ARTICLE ABOUT SYMPTOMS, I concluded...
I have C-PTSD... So technical isn't it? 5 letters can sum up psychological traumas equivalent to mass destruction... (no pun intended)
Try telling your friends you have this... 5 letters... (they nod. Ask inane questions like "how" and "how do you know" etc... shrugging off your illness like "oh well, we're all a little mentally left of centre"
It's like a bomb goes off inside your body and you're left cleaning the carnage... trying to repair your vital organs, so you can breathe and maintain your mask of normalcy.
We do it though...
Try explaining the general gist of C-PTSD. "Oh it's basically just flashbacks of traumas that I've been through, it's like I relive them sometimes... when something triggers a memory"
just flashbacks... yeah, that explains the tsunami that crashes down over your body and washes you so far out to sea, cold and isolated, floating as currents take you wherever they please...
that explains the electric storm that sends shock therapy pulsating your brain and rain pouring out your eyes...( if you manage that is, to bypass the roar of anger as loud as thunder that often takes its place)
That explains the graphic, horrific yet extremely vivid images that wake you in the middle of the night crying, in a pool of sweat... because you just watched those you love... die. Or the heightened awareness when you woke from a dream where you were left alone to turn into a corpse and morph into hell because you were forgotten at the park... (a dream from your childhood... you still recall in pictures till this very day...
That explains how you feel like you're not living your life... you're merely watching it... aware that it's you optically... but spiritually... you're just observing yourself, intermesh and weave into the masses... blending in to social scenes.
That explains your darting eyes, that explains the earthquake beneath your flesh that appears merely a tremble....
The blank stare, almost like you're empty... into oblivion, that some egotist mistakes as you staring at them...
"I have C-PTSD"
5 letters sum up the fact that the past isn't the past for me... it repeats quite often. 5 letters sum up the fact my body is alien to me, my minds an explosion, my hearts 9/11.... everytime I exercise my right to fly, my building comes crashing down. 5 letters expresses the isolation and purgatory inside my soul... and the complexity of connections I manage to obtain... the rollercoaster of angels and devils, fears. The fighting it takes... just to open up, Even a little... How absurdly confronting it is, to allow someone to see my vulnerabilities...
the battles that go on behind my eyes, as I take a gamble on making a friend....
The million other wars I face, upon interacting with others... (who may care, but have a narrow patronizing view... that's at times insulting to my integrity.) But I swallow... because, how are they meant to even begin to fathom complete chaos and devastation, when I'm seemingly smiling and shallowly involving myself in the groups interactions?
When not even I, spiritually observing... can tell I'm wearing a mask.
I have C-PTSD. 2 years ago, I didn't know what it was myself. All I knew, was... I was either so awake to the drone like nature of brainwashed society... that I abandoned myself to preserve my mind... or, this sense of feeling like a robot while my spirit watched, was an actual condition.
The numb stupor I orbited in along with dejection, isolation (I had no friends then) paranoia, violent images, violent dreams, chaos, emptiness, intense and explosive anger and intense fear of abandoning or abandonment... lead me down multiple possible disorders... and technical terms for my symptoms. Such as Codependency. Learning my partner at the time was narcissistic, my father psychopathic... and adding childhood trauma, eventually lead me to my SELF DIAGNOSIS.
I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT I INDEED HAVE C-PTSD.
As I read the criteria... an icy chill caressed my skin. Senses on hyperdrive, I finally found a name for my ailments... and at the same time, found a diagnosis for my partner... was I relived? Well... who's to say. I recall the emotions I experienced but can not pinpoint their angle...
I mean I just summed up in a few words, years n years, upon years of psychological torture... amnesia (first 13 yrs of life just doesn't exist for me at all) ... and learned my abandonment principles... were an irrational fear of loss stemming from childhood and not actually normal... That although all my traumas and abuses, do not seemingly affect my ability to parent my kids... they indeed have affected me as an adult in more ways than I originally thought. I still recall the chill as I discovered Codependency and Narcissism. Empath. Etc etc... but although I felt cheated... the knowledge did help me overcome my Codependency and after a year of study into disorders... pack my bags and leave an emotional prison... 32 years of my life... were lived in traumatic circumstances. Little to my knowledge was the 14 yrs by my partner, considered abuse at all... I never knew "emotional abuse" was an actual thing... but it makes sense... also explains why I tolerated it... being abused through adolescence and probably many blocked years before that... needless to say ABUSE... is all I've ever known. (Confronting)
Here I am 2 years later, writing this EXTREMELY long introduction... only a novice. Knowing I have C-PTSD. But still, trying to find effective ways to cope with it. I read about "triggers" today and have recently discovered that not only do I have visual triggers "certain look in someones eyes" that stimulate the fear response, I also have emotional triggers. "Words used today... that I relate to when was used growing up, that made me that sick with guilt i threw up" I recall it in vivid detail... I also feel an intense empathy for pained expressions, overwhelming compassion for women being emotionally abused... etc etc
I still yearn to be fully open, loved and accepted as I am. One day... I long to have a spiritual connection, yet, know that I first need to connect with myself... and now, after 3 failed relationship attempts... (2 after I discovered narcissism) there's a new fear... I'm scared because I've managed to select nothing but toxic partners for myself... and fear love now. So much so, that I do not feel that I can ever allow myself to be raw, real and completely open... I'm scared the next heartbreak will push me over the edge and destroy what little soul I've managed to repair... to the point of no return.
Because I yearn above all, for this mind transcending connection... yet, fear with all of me at the same time... futility looks like the outcome of my life.
If you read all of this... THANK YOU. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT. If upon reading this... you feel I could learn from or open my mind to any articles/links... I'd appreciate the suggestion.
Cheers
