Dealing With Anniversaries

[Lucycat]

Recently it was the 21st December. That for me is an anniversary I wish I could forget. T has given me some great advice over the past few years and I thought it might be helpful to share it here.

Firstly don't try or expect to wipe the date from your mind. That is destined for failure.

Try to plan for the date. Think about what you will do. Simply saying I will take a day off work and 'chill' is unhelpful as it simply gives you more time to ruminate. Do something active, even it is spending time with a friend or going shopping. Watching TV or reading a book are less good as they need concentration which is likely to slip away to the negative thinking.

Planning really is the key, rather than having the date come upon you and knocking your legs from under you. If you have to go to work, plan for the day to be less productive than usual, without too much stress and avoid any important decisions.

Another 'bad date' for me is Friday 13th ( of any month).

This year we went on our holiday on Friday 13th, and flew home on 21st December. That meant I was busy on both dates. I acknowledged both dates by pointing them out to Rory. A very brief discussion to remind him of why each date was important to me was enough to let them go. I was able to not dwell, as I had too much to do. Rory would not have remembered them by himself - as he would even forget my birthday without a reminder, but we did not need to go back over the details.

Each year it gets easier. I now have made good memories on these dates, and rather than having to think of the original dates, I can remember what we did on that date last year or the year before. I can see the progress I have made, both in therapy and of my own making. I think about the improvements over the past year, and wonder where I will be this time next year.:cafe:

 

[rightkindofme]

It sounds smart to plan conscious positive experience for anniversaries. I just sit home and cry. :-\

 

[Lucycat]

@rightkindofme - what are your personal options? For the next anniversary what could /would you do?

 

[cherryblossom]

I can honestly say that for the last couple of years, the anniversary of my rape has just passed by without me even noticing.

The biggest turning point for me with regard to 'trauma anniversaries' was massively to do with the healing process in therapy, but also a post written by Anthony on MyPTSD forum. It just resonated with me. I'm not saying it will help anyone else - but it just might . . . .
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/trauma-anniversaries-fact-vs-myth.13881/

 

[Lucycat]

@cherryblossom . I just clicked on the link and read that first post. ( I will go back to the thread later) what struck me is that it was posted just 3 days after my anniversary. And in the same year. Seems kind of spooky, like it was written for me. At the time Anthony was writing I did not even know I had PTSD - that diagnosis came a short while later, thus I'd never found the forum.

He writes great sense .

 

[Lucycat]

Firstly don't try or expect to wipe the date from your mind. That is destined for failure.

Having read Anthony's post I think I now need to clarify the above. I guess it is not that you can wipe the date out, but he says that you can choose not to make it a negative event. You can choose not to allow a silly date on a calender to have any power over you.

I like that he points out that an anniversary is only an anniversary. It can never be the actual same day again. That day is past, for better or for worse, you don't get to have the day again.