Dealing With Confusing Blame From Sufferer

[Nehaz]

While I understand that PTSD is irrational when it flares, I just basically have these two big issues that I'm wondering if anyone can help with some tips on how to deal with.

My partner suffers from PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety and is a germaphobe. There is usually never a conversation that goes by where she's not talking about how gross she finds certain things and how much she doesn't understand that people don't care about being as clean as she is. 99% of the time, having it pop up in discussion is as bad as it gets. But for that 1% of the time, she literally chooses a "gross" word, types it into Google, reads x amount of articles on it which state how germy humans can be, sends me a screenshot of it and all of a sudden I'm just as dirty and disgusting as the people she's reading about.

We have argued about this same thing over and over and over again and I just keep stating exactly what I've told her the last time we have discussed it like a broken record. Most times, she settles down and realizes what is going on. Other times (like today, for instance), she won't settle down and I get the blame for her triggering herself and I'm suddenly completely part of the unhygienic population that lives within the pages under "Causes" in WebMD. If I was a dirty person and not up to her standards, our relationship would not have lasted a week. This ends in her PTSD kicking in and I go through a push followed by an isolation period of no contact; regardless of what I say.

The second big one for me is I get the blame for her lack of libido, which really does hurt badly. We're nearly 2 years into this relationship and still not seeming to reach an understanding with this. It's not nice to hear your partner tell you that the only reason why she has sex with you is to make you happy because it's gross (refer to the above topic) and she views it as just another chore she needs to knock over. So I get punished again (with a push and isolation with no contact) because I'm not asexual and I do like sex, but I also don't view it as being the most important thing in a relationship and don't "need" it to function. This is where it becomes confusing though because I can honestly say that I have never, ever, not once, initiated any sexual act with her. I'm really not as sexual as she assumes I am. We snuggle and kiss and are affectionate as normal, but if it turns into foreplay or we're randomly tumbling into the room, she initiates it every time. Yet I get told she hates sex, she thinks she's asexual, it's the grossest thing she's ever done, it's a chore for her and she hates the fact that I like it? I think I must be missing something, because I just don't get it. :tdown:

We have talked this out and I have told her many times that I don't NEED sex and that I would definitely much rather her WANT to do it than only do it to make me happy. But yet she still initiates and then blames me for not understanding and wanting sex more than she does. I have tried denying her when she has initiated sex, which then makes her take it as a rejection and serious blow to her self-esteem. I don't deny her because I don't want it, I deny her because I'm confused as heck as to what she wants and what she's thinking as she's touching me. But talking with her about it doesn't seem to be working because while I'm over my side of the bed trying to be respectful of her and how she feels, it's a lose/lose situation as she still tries and I still get punished for it. Don't get me wrong, it's never forceful or anything like that. If I say no, she takes it as a no. But she takes it really personally also. She has said to me that for me to reject her (not just in the sexual context either) drags her straight back down after she's fought so hard with herself to hype herself up into it.

How would you deal with this?

Also, I feel I must add that her PTSD does not stem from any sexually related trauma either.

 

[Pabob]

How is communication between you two? Can you tell her what you've told us while she is feeling better?

My vet has certain subjects he beats to death, and there is no commenting on them, either positive or negative. No matter what I say, it's going to come back and bite my butt. When he starts in with one of them, I just listen and don't engage. If he gets aggressive about it, I cut him off. It may piss him off, but it's better than having a fight about it. He's going to get mad at me anyway, and he isolates for a day or two when he gets mad anyway... May as well give him less "blame fuel" by keeping my mouth shut.

It sucks. I wish I had better advice.

 

[Ese]

Is she in therapy? It seems like the OCD is controlling her life, and it would be wise to get it under control, as "germs" seem to be a trigger for her, which you can't really avoid in life, they are always there. I think if she had the OCD under control, she might have a better approach towards intimacy, she wouldn't see it as "gross".
Because communicate with her hasn't proven successful to you, perhaps couples therapy, to work through the issues, and allow you to have a safe place to communicate what it is you are trying to achieve, to try to bring you closer together? You probably won't get a quick and easy answer, but it is obvious that you love her and want to work on things.
Best of Luck

 

[Pemuk]

Yep. I sympathise. I can keep my mouth shut when my vet says "you can't trust civilians" but when his words are "you civilians can't be trusted" well then he just made it personal.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Nehaz]

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it :)

How is communication between you two? Can you tell her what you've told us while she is feeling better?

Our communication is pretty good and definitely getting better the longer time goes on. I do speak up and say that I'm not happy with certain things and I have talked about these issues with her previously when she's good. However, it just seems we go straight back to square one again when she's having those bad moments and it all gets brought up again.

My vet has certain subjects he beats to death, and there is no commenting on them, either positive or negative. No matter what I say, it's going to come back and bite my butt. When he starts in with one of them, I just listen and don't engage.

I can totally relate to this. Most of the time, I just listen and nod my head and stay quiet and it never escalates more often than not. I still get made to feel like I'm doing something wrong, but she pulls herself back in and we change the subject. When it explodes though, it's like a blazing inferno that no dousing will put out.

Is she in therapy?

Yes, she is in therapy and I think you're right in saying that the OCD is controlling her life, which sets her off in another direction if she feels things aren't the way they're meant to be.

perhaps couples therapy, to work through the issues, and allow you to have a safe place to communicate what it is you are trying to achieve, to try to bring you closer together?

I would be open to that idea, but she would never agree to do it. She isolates and takes it out on me when she gets told she has to attend any appointments for the moment. The idea of having yet another place to go to talk about things would be too much for her right now. But maybe it's a possibility further down the track if things are still like this. That's a good idea :)

You probably won't get a quick and easy answer, but it is obvious that you love her and want to work on things.

I love her with everything I've got. It's why I'm so trying so hard and continue to educate myself to keep us pedaling on. It's definitely hard work, but hopefully we're both strong enough to last.

I can keep my mouth shut when my vet says "you can't trust civilians" but when his words are "you civilians can't be trusted" well then he just made it personal.

That is exactly spot on. It becomes really directive and personal and if you react, you're just adding fuel to the fire and then they turn around and say, "I wasn't meaning you" or "Don't take it personally". Like today, for example, she surprised me with a phone call this morning. I didn't even mention what happened yesterday, but she brought it up and said she wasn't saying I was like that, and that I was the one who had chosen to take it the wrong way. I just let it slide because it's not worth the hassle of an argument and she starts talking about germs. Well the phone call lasted about 5 minutes after that because she hung up on me. It was all over a non-serious temporary medical issue I went through about 6 months ago that she can't accept was non-serious because Google has told her otherwise. After she hung up, I was pummeled with about 12 screenshots from various medical sites. She's obviously in the mood for an argument, but I think I'm just going to sit back and let her rant it all out until she wears herself out with this one. :meh:

 

[Helosi]

Sounds like multiple different issues going on at the same time. The OCD/hypochondriac type stuff is one thing. I don't have much insight into that, because my OCD tendencies are more like.. plucking my hairs out when I'm stressed and such. More compulsion going on than obsessing.

However with the sexual stuff, really sounds like a shame issue to me. There might be some stuff that hasn't come to light yet, so maybe don't assume just yet. I just know that is very, very typical of someone who has shame issues regarding sex, as far as claiming they don't want it, but then getting really bent out of shape if you turn them down.

There is also a decently high probability that the OCD germaphobe issues and the sex life issues are connected, again EVEN IF it hasn't come to light yet. Consider the underlying themes in being a germaphobe.. they don't want to be contaminated, they don't want to be dirty, they don't want to be invaded by the germs. It is essentially a full-boar war to keep their body from being violated by dirtiness, in essence, and it manifests on the surface as an intense, irrational fear of germs. Then you get the major push-pull issues going on in the bedroom..

Just sayin, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she has a history of some sort of sexual trauma somewhere in her past.

 

[Nehaz]

However with the sexual stuff, really sounds like a Shame issue to me. There might be some stuff that hasn't come to light yet, so maybe don't assume just yet. I just know that is very, very typical of someone who has shame issues regarding sex, as far as claiming they don't want it, but then getting really bent out of shape if you turn them down.

I agree. It does have a lot to do with shame. The times that we do get sexual, she shies away from herself. Like, all the focus is on me and if I go to touch her or the likes, she pulls away. So then that makes me feel like a bigger douche because when it comes to sex, it seems like it has to be "all about me" to semi-work; when I'd rather it be "all about us". She does have a very low self-esteem with major image issues, and I don't lack on the compliments as to how I see her and what I think. We've talked about it and she's explained how she feels with it and I just keep telling her exactly how I feel. She always replies with a negative to a positive compliment, but she knows I see her completely differently to what she sees when she looks in the mirror.

There is also a decently high probability that the OCD germaphobe issues and the sex life issues are connected, again EVEN IF it hasn't come to light yet.

Again, you are right. Without getting into details, she will randomly bring up a certain sexual act and then follow it with, "I don't think I could ever do that again, but that makes me feel bad because you like that (or like doing that)". I tell her that it's no huge drama and not a deal-breaker and if she doesn't want to do it, I don't expect her to and would never pressure her about it. Then she'll bring up the reasons behind why she doesn't like it and it's got to do with the passing on of certain diseases through sexual contact. It used to make me feel like she was accusing me of being diseased, but I've come to realize that it's not personal. However, when it comes to the time when we're actually doing something, she will start doing what she said she would never do, which immediately makes me feel uncomfortable as my head rationalizes it as "she's only doing this because she's trying to make me happy".

Just sayin, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she has a history of some sort of sexual trauma somewhere in her past.

You are correct again. She has mentioned to me that she did experience sexual abuse in her younger years, but that's all I know. I don't know the logistics of who or when or how long because I only hear about it if she brings it up. This actually makes sense to me that you've brought that up as she has told me that she dealt with it and it has never affected her sex life with her previous partners, but she has never had a high sex drive. She said it has definitely dropped even lower since her trauma and diagnosis. It's hard because I don't know all the details, but I am definitely seeing a pattern now that it's been brought up. Thank you :)