Relationship Dealing With His Highs And Lows

[catlover26]

Holidays are just worse for my boyfriend Vet. I think because of what happened in Paris it has made him more depressed and worried because he says that he 'knows' we are next and won't 'last another year'. It's so hard to hear these types of irrational statements and not respond.

I guess I wanted to believe that I would make a difference in his life and I know in many ways I am. But last night talking about any Thanksgiving plans he just talks about how it is not the same as it was when he was younger, etc. So as of now it doesn't seem like we will be together on Thanksgiving. He says he is just too depressed and not fit to be around.

But then before I left I said I guess I will see you next weekend and he said he would see how he feels on Thanksgiving. So I don't know. It's hard. He doesn't want to plan ahead. It would help him to see a different counselor but doesn't want to talk anyone other than the one he has at the VA which he says he doesn't trust to tell them much.

How do ya'll deal with their depression when they won't talk to anyone about it and won't tell you all of what is going on with them. Or when they do it seems to be very irrational statements like what I said.

I wish you all a very Happy and peaceful Thanksgiving!

 

[Sweetpea76]

It depends on how irrational the statement is... Sometimes I just listen and keep my opinions to myself, especially if he is having a rough time. Sometimes if he isn't bad off, but it could start to wind him up, I'll try to nip it in the bud. I appeal to his logic. He's a pretty logical guy, and sometimes just breaking it down helps him.

 

[catlover26]

My guy I thought was really logical too but not when it comes to the terrorists and their activities. Even when he is not really depressed he will mention statements like our country doesn't have much longer. I should have just not responded to him at all last night. Because I don't get as upset as he does he thinks I don't care so our communication about it gets all askew. He has been through AA so I approach it from a religious side also that God will take care of us but basically nothing works and I am wasting my breath.

I heard from my son so he and his girlfriend are coming tomorrow. I just tried to call my Vet to check on him and he didn't answer so there is only so much I can do.

 

[Torrid75]

I either ignore him, call him on his BS or figure out an approach to get him talking without winding him up, I watch his body language a lot and take my cues from there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

And there are some topics that are just going to be a no-go. Like I know that I can't even begin to reason with him when it comes to Iraq or terrorist activities. That dog just plain ain't gonna hunt. Other political issues, current events, or conflicts, but nothing to do with Iraq. That's a trigger and I know it. He's left too much blood in that sand.

Depending on his general wellness and state of mind, I can reason with him about other things. Like he gets convinced Obama is going to take all his guns away... Or they are going to ban guns all together. Or the VA is out to get him. Or there is going to be a SHTF/zombie apocalypse-type situation (minus the zombies). He obsesses and makes himself sick, so I'll nip that in the bud if I can.

 

[Sighs]

You know its not paranoia if the little green men really ARE out to get you.

I don't think we, as civilians, should try to tell our vets about terrorists. My vet is very wound up over the Paris attack. He has some very strong views on what we should be doing in this country about Syrian refugees and Muslims in general. Many people will not agree with him. But like @Sweetpea76 said - when they've left their blood in the sand of the Middle East then they can give their opinion. Until then, they can sit the f*ck down and shut the f*ck up.

 

[Miss Lissa]

Wow. This post is a little old but I relate.
My sufferer was a first responder during the terrorist attacks on the London Underground in 2007 (aka London Bombings) and gets very worked up over anything terror or Islam-related. Paris didn't help.
We also live in Canada so the influx of Syrian refugees and our new Liberal government is making him antsy.
I laughed when one of you talked about Obama taking his guns away, since I've heard the same. Only it's more likely here.

I try to not say anything other than "I know, sweetie" when he goes on rants, but sometimes he takes my silence for disagreement and gets upset with me. I know it's irrational, but I try to let him get it out and not allow myself to burst into tears.
Usually he calms down and is able to move on pretty quickly, but as a very emotional person I struggle to. You just have to keep telling yourself that it's the PTSD.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

My sufferer was a first responder during the terrorist attacks on the London Underground in 2007 (aka London Bombings) and gets very worked up over anything terror or Islam-related. Paris didn't help.

Mine too, on all counts!

My hubby had a complete psychotic break a few years ago, before we met. He was home alone. And although he knows that on one level, he can still vividly remember terrorists trying to break into his flat. They blocked all of the windows and doors and his only way out was to take an overdose.

He's still struggling with the Paris thing. We had to change our Christmas shopping to a town he thought would be less of a target.

As for London, that just isn't happening for him. I went up on the train for work a few months ago, and had strict instructions to text him before and after every Tube and/or bus journey.

I try to stay as calm and logical as I can, but I can't promise him that nothing bad is ever going to happen - it already has. But I can explain that the likelihood of a terrorist attack in our local town is very low.

 

[catlover26]

He finally will get to a point sometimes and admit that watching the news is not good for him. I think he will get obsessed about something going on and watch it a lot like about the election and then get fed up and stop watching it.

When he says these things I just don't comment at all anymore. He doesn't believe Osama Bin Laden is dead at all. That it was a cover up or something. I could go on and on.

Oh and we didn't spend Thanksgiving together or Christmas day. I am just not going to make a big deal of it. The holidays are just really hard for him.

 

[LolaWolf]

Hi!

I can relate to what you've been through - my fiancé doesn't feel very well during holidays as well. He says he has no idea why, but is sure that it has to do with a "lost memory", something that might have happened around this time of the year while he was deployed and his subconscient might have suppressed.

He also felt a bit "stirred" with all the news about Paris; he had already been feeling bad due to the Oregon shooting (he's from Oregon), claiming that what bothers him most is the frustration of not being able to do anything to hell or stop it. I tried to calm him down by saying it was inevitable, and though he's highly trained and perfectly able to deal with situations like those, things happen for a reason, and as unfair as it may sound, it's all in God's hands

I've been trying to follow the common advice and not take it personally. It kind of makes things easier, and minimises the impact, especially in winter holidays, in which we usually become slightly more fragile and sentimental.

As hard as it might be, once you're truly committed and willing to make the relationship work, flexibility is necessary.

Wish you luck and all the best for you and your vet!

 

[catlover26]

Hi!

I can relate to what you've been through - my fiancé doesn't feel very well during holidays as we...

Yeah, flexibility and no set expectations are definitely a requirement to make this kind of relationship work. When something like that Oregon shooting happens he will say things like "This is the beginning.... we can't stop it." I just don't react anymore. Going to Al-Anon has helped me a lot to learn not to react to things he says. You can't rationalize with him.

Before I knew better I would try and say "Our country is not going to be blown up or the world is not going to end...." We have to have faith, etc. I even said one time that he was still fighting a war. It was not the thing to say and I regret saying it. But he is because he feels like the illegals will take over or ISIS and someone has to do something.

Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. I wish you all the best in your relationship too! :)