Relationship Dealing With Sufferer Isolation

[esu2571]

Hi - this is my first post and I'm reaching out to anyone who can help me deal with this. Although I'm the combat veteran, my girlfriend has PTSD from previous domestic abuse. We've had a truly wonderful and fulfilling relationship since we met 6 months ago and we've started making long term future plans together. She resumed therapy about 3 months ago and it appears she's in the "it gets worse before it gets better" stage. She told me on Thanksgiving that she's feeling worse and doesn't want to be her anymore but she wants to get better and is trying to so we can have a solid foundation together.

She's now isolated herself from me - we've gone from speaking and texting numerous times daily to nothing. She doesn't even respond to my 'good morning' and 'checking on you' texts. Although I understand this, it's heartbreaking and extremely stressful for me...and I have my own issues regarding fear of abandonment. She tells me she loves me and wants a future but for now I feel like I'm floundering and helpless. I can't eat or sleep and I feel desperate and afraid. I love her and have no doubts about her or us. A mutual friend told me that she doesn't want to run away from me and that she's running more from herself than from me. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Snowangel1225]

There really isn't much that you can do other than give her the space she needs right now. It's hard...I know. Actually, beyond hard..it's hurtful and scary. You need to keep yourself busy. Find things you enjoy doing and just go do them. If you aren't in therapy, maybe now would be a good time to start. If you are in therapy, talk to your therapist and work through your feelings of abandonment. Touch base with her once a day, or once every other day with a simple text that doesn't require a response so she doesn't feel pressured. 'Good morning'....'thinking of you'...'hope you are doing ok'.... Honestly, I wish I could give you an answer that would 'fix' everything, but there isn't one. You need to take care of yourself and when/if she is ready, she will let you know.

 

[esu2571]

Thank you, Snowangel. I appreciate your comments and they make sense. I KNOW these things but it's hard to take regardless. I send her non pressuring (I hope!) texts - good morning, I hope you have a good day, etc - desperately hoping for a reply but expecting none. I assured her early on that I wouldn't bail on her and that I'm not like her exes...and that she isn't like mine. The rational part of me 'gets' this but the human, emotional part is falling to pieces. I know there are no easy fixes and her assurances of love and wanting to have a solid foundation for our future is what keeps me going.

 

[kahlan]

Reconciling what you know intellectually and what you feel is SO HARD! Especially if you have abandonment issues of your own.

Isolation can wreak havoc on your insecurities and make you half crazy sometimes! Distracting yourself seems to work the best...fake it til you feel it... even then sometimes it doesn't always work.

Best of luck to you and take care of yourself!

 

[esu2571]

Thank you!! I'm not too proud - or tough - to say that your message brought tears to my eyes. I don't feel quite as crazy now. Scared and despondent, yes, but a bit more grounded. It's hard watching the love of your life suffer and knowing you're powerless.

 

[Kat83]

Hi, I was the victim of domestic abuse for almost 9 years, recently I've been having it play back on me a lot and I have reached out and asked for help, when she is ready she will do the same and will need you there, hang in there and try keep strong. Sometimes we react in the wrong way when dealing with it but it is never personally directed at you. I hope you guys manage to work things out, my partner has PTSD and has shut me out before so I also know how that feels, if ever you want to chat message me :)

 

[esu2571]

UPDATE - She told me last night that she isn't healed enough to be in a relationship and can't place someone else's needs ahead of her own. I understand this part of the process but needless to say, I'm crushed, heartbroken, and despondent. All I can do now is sit back, silently support her, wait and grieve.

 

[kahlan]

(Hug) if you want one. It sucks.

 

[esu2571]

God yes it does. Thank you.

 

[sassyblewe]

The best form of advise I can give someone facing an isolation is to distract yourself. Don't do like I did last night and drink and entire bottle of wine and have your own little pity party. That is bad. Bad bad bad. Shame on me lol. But then you have to understand your own limitations, and understand that sometimes you're just going to break down. My boyfriend has been in isolation for two months, and all I've gotten was a text a few days ago of an old pic of him in college. But I'm not letting it bring me down, and I refuse to fall into the depression I was in the first time he did this. So distract yourself: go out with friends, pick up a new hobby, get a second job. Do everything in your power you can to not think about the situation that you're in. I know that's an avoidance tactic, but you cant change the situation and first and foremost you have to take care of yourself. Understand you will have breakdown moments, like I did last night, but then you have to be optimistic and know things will get better. So get out and do something, make new friends, have some fun (to a limit, you're still with someone). But take this time to reflect back on yourself, and figure out what makes you happy. Establish some independence, and realize the only one who can truly make you happy is yourself. Yes things suck and you're worried about her, but honestly you're important too. She more then likely doesn't realize how hard these isolation periods are for you, or she can't comprehend it. So don't hold it against her, and don't let anger or resentment develop and change how you feel about her, because trust me it'll try. Be understanding, and do what you can to distract yourself and find some peace with the isolation. She may not let you help her, but dangit you can help yourself. And when she's found some peace within herself, she will be back, and there's nothing you can do to rush that process.