December Hell Month for me

I feel sort of the same @katz . Was thinking last night sometimes I wake up with gratitude, sometimes it's like a nightmare I can't get out of, based on the current situation around me. Not that that is the same as triggers, but it certainly makes for some and tempts me to desapair. At those times especially I am reminded it seems all of my decisions or priorities (re family, avoiding addiction, my work, loyalty etc) ended up a cruel irony, as well as my own mistakes of course. If I think too much on it I feel very empty and without hope. However, life being as strange as it is (or unpredictable when it comes to suffering but also good things, so they say) I figure I can only try to think and do what brings me some peace or strength or consolation, regardless of other's or society's expectations. I think we can only do the best we can with the tools we have, and need to do it through our whole lifetime. In some ways it is authentic and genuine though, as I think we wade through much that is incidental or based on appearances more than authentic feelings and appearances- it takes a lot to be truthful. I read something from years ago, of being told I have value and eventually I will come to see it. That feels very hard after certain histories but I trust what they said even if my heart doesn't feel at all like it much or most of the time (one could say that's a natural consequence, eh?). Hope you can find much gentleness and a sense of peace and joy. Hugs to you (and @brat17 and all).
 
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I was thinking about this, just where exactly 'processing', and managing thoughts of the future come in to play when dealing day-to-day? As you said @brat17 :
Back to my post. I cant believe this is still haunting me. It doesn't in my consciousness. I feel fine. The problem is, I cant sleep. I cant sleep til daylight or long after.
I was thinking that I think calling ptsd a trauma and stressors-related disorder is appropriate. Not just from causation. (But even if they didn't mean it that way), I know personally stress is very hard for me to manage, it's like my stress-responders have burnt out. And I think it's because the past does come forward or influence much without my awareness. I saw my father experience the same kind of reactions or voice the same kind of things and fears. Or I blame myself because I don't think of the past having any part in the present And though it doesn't give me less responsibility to manage myself, I think dealing more effectively with the present actually helps to process some of the past, or beliefs from the past, since they are indeed the invisible presence in the situation. Though it feels more long and arduous than I would hope.

Somewhere I read when people fight they are often two 12 year olds screaming at each other, or 17 year olds, or 8 year olds. And that 90+ % of the time we're not even responding to who's in front of us, until we get more aware of the actual person and ourselves. So I think most everyone struggles with it at some level, and maybe doesn't even realize it or know that it's a challenge to overcome.
 
I feel sort of the same @katz . Was thinking last night sometimes I wake up with gratitude, sometimes it's like a nightmare I can't get out of, based on the current situation around me. Not that that is the same as triggers, but it certainly makes for some and tempts me to desapair. At those times especially I am reminded it seems all of my decisions or priorities (re family, avoiding addiction, my work, loyalty etc) ended up a cruel irony, as well as my own mistakes of course. If I think too much on it I feel very empty and without hope. However, life being as strange as it is (or unpredictable when it comes to suffering but also good things, so they say) I figure I can only try to think and do what brings me some peace or strength or consolation, regardless of other's or society's expectations. I think we can only do the best we can with the tools we have, and need to do it through our whole lifetime. In some ways it is authentic and genuine though, as I think we wade through much that is incidental or based on appearances more than authentic feelings and appearances- it takes a lot to be truthful. I read something from years ago, of being told I have value and eventually I will come to see it. That feels very hard after certain histories but I trust what they said even if my heart doesn't feel at all like it much or most of the time (one could say that's a natural consequence, eh?). Hope you can find much gentleness and a sense of peace and joy. Hugs to you (and @brat17 and all).
Thank you for your gentle words, Tinyflame. I will try to remember this. I can certainly understand being empty. I have always felt empty and just a swirling of foggy gasses inside. I don't feel or show any feelings, no matter how hard I try to. My memories have put me in the hospital multiple times when they came thru, and when I told the truth, my whole family yelled and turned on me. So, I have buried the emotions so deep inside me that I may never 'feel" them again.

One of my abusers is my father, (I can no longer call him a Dad) . He is 97 years old. I don't know how I will "feel" when he passes. Maybe relief? The other ones have no faces or names anymore. So I believe - for myself - that they have all passed away already. I have always believed that they will all face Judgement Day and have to look back at their actions.
--I just go on...day after day...year after year...waiting
 
@katz , I don't 'like' your post of course but I relate. Sometimes the grief is so heavy, +/or we are reminded of all the reasons we should give up or despair.

Idk what you will feel when your dad passes away if he is first, but I will say what feelings you will be relived of might give a clue.

To be heard needs both an audience that understands and the strength to say it. Not surprising it's easier to bury. Especially if we feel either is lacking +/or don't feel worthy, or don't know where to begin, or if it would help to. Despair in particular makes (me) think What is the point?

I hope there is healing and peace, and joy too for you in the future. Hugs 🫂 🫂 🫂 🫂 🫂 .
 
I am very relieved to get to the New Year. There is no magic that makes all Dec. emotions disappear. Yet there is a sense of relief. The panic is gone. My thoughts are more clear, and for me, seems to be a time to sleep like hibernation. Sleeping hours are messed up, but so much better than that feeling of panic.
Katz, I understand how you feel that family members that were abusive just dont exist anymore. I have one sister left and she is gone to me. Enough psychological punishment from her. I dont know how you will feel when your father dies. As far as those who have done me wrong and then have passed, I believe that if there is a God, they will be forgiven for all of their sins on Judgement day. I guess this is because I realize that they didnt know how to do any better. They had character flaws just as I do. At least that is what I hope for. When one of my sisters was dying and not very religious, another sister kept preaching to her about all of her sins thru her life and that she might go to hell. This is why the last sister is gone to me. Erased. Not without sadness because I am human.
December is hard on everyone, even those without ptsd. All the social stuff brings to much pressure for everyone, but especially some of us, particularly if it holds some sort of triggering. Than can be the loss of family as well.
 
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