December Hell Month for me

[Tinyflame]

I feel sort of the same @katz . Was thinking last night sometimes I wake up with gratitude, sometimes it's like a nightmare I can't get out of, based on the current situation around me. Not that that is the same as triggers, but it certainly makes for some and tempts me to desapair. At those times especially I am reminded it seems all of my decisions or priorities (re family, avoiding addiction, my work, loyalty etc) ended up a cruel irony, as well as my own mistakes of course. If I think too much on it I feel very empty and without hope. However, life being as strange as it is (or unpredictable when it comes to suffering but also good things, so they say) I figure I can only try to think and do what brings me some peace or strength or consolation, regardless of other's or society's expectations. I think we can only do the best we can with the tools we have, and need to do it through our whole lifetime. In some ways it is authentic and genuine though, as I think we wade through much that is incidental or based on appearances more than authentic feelings and appearances- it takes a lot to be truthful. I read something from years ago, of being told I have value and eventually I will come to see it. That feels very hard after certain histories but I trust what they said even if my heart doesn't feel at all like it much or most of the time (one could say that's a natural consequence, eh?). Hope you can find much gentleness and a sense of peace and joy. Hugs to you (and @brat17 and all).

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about this, just where exactly 'processing', and managing thoughts of the future come in to play when dealing day-to-day? As you said @brat17 :

Back to my post. I cant believe this is still haunting me. It doesn't in my consciousness. I feel fine. The problem is, I cant sleep. I cant sleep til daylight or long after.

I was thinking that I think calling ptsd a trauma and stressors-related disorder is appropriate. Not just from causation. (But even if they didn't mean it that way), I know personally stress is very hard for me to manage, it's like my stress-responders have burnt out. And I think it's because the past does come forward or influence much without my awareness. I saw my father experience the same kind of reactions or voice the same kind of things and fears. Or I blame myself because I don't think of the past having any part in the present And though it doesn't give me less responsibility to manage myself, I think dealing more effectively with the present actually helps to process some of the past, or beliefs from the past, since they are indeed the invisible presence in the situation. Though it feels more long and arduous than I would hope.

Somewhere I read when people fight they are often two 12 year olds screaming at each other, or 17 year olds, or 8 year olds. And that 90+ % of the time we're not even responding to who's in front of us, until we get more aware of the actual person and ourselves. So I think most everyone struggles with it at some level, and maybe doesn't even realize it or know that it's a challenge to overcome.