I feel sort of the same @katz . Was thinking last night sometimes I wake up with gratitude, sometimes it's like a nightmare I can't get out of, based on the current situation around me. Not that that is the same as triggers, but it certainly makes for some and tempts me to desapair. At those times especially I am reminded it seems all of my decisions or priorities (re family, avoiding addiction, my work, loyalty etc) ended up a cruel irony, as well as my own mistakes of course. If I think too much on it I feel very empty and without hope. However, life being as strange as it is (or unpredictable when it comes to suffering but also good things, so they say) I figure I can only try to think and do what brings me some peace or strength or consolation, regardless of other's or society's expectations. I think we can only do the best we can with the tools we have, and need to do it through our whole lifetime. In some ways it is authentic and genuine though, as I think we wade through much that is incidental or based on appearances more than authentic feelings and appearances- it takes a lot to be truthful. I read something from years ago, of being told I have value and eventually I will come to see it. That feels very hard after certain histories but I trust what they said even if my heart doesn't feel at all like it much or most of the time (one could say that's a natural consequence, eh?). Hope you can find much gentleness and a sense of peace and joy. Hugs to you (and @brat17 and all).