Defeat.

[Ga5bby]

Well, I feel defeated.
Backing up... I work as a nanny. Very low stress easy job. Well, they needed help at their Halloween party last night. So I went. I Was sure I'd be okay. I didn't know anyone but the family. But I really thought I could handle it. There was close to 100 people there. I was the picture taker. Not so bad. Until everyone had had their picture taken. Well then I was expected to mingle. I'd build myself up. Walk into the kitchen. Immediately walk back out. I just couldn't handle it. I seriously feel defeated. Then anytime my bosses would ask if I was okay, I had to try not to look terrified and say yeah. I wasn't convincing. The father finally told me I should really go home, they'd be okay. Which was a relief, yet I still felt so defeated. The oldest girl I nanny came up and gave me a hug. From there I lost it. Cried all the way to my car. Just sat there. Next time I knew it was 2 hours later. I was still crying in front of their house.
I hate that I can't do normal things anymore. Humph.

 

[Still Trying]

Ga5bby,

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I can see several really good things in your experience.

1. You went and stayed for quite a while and took all the photos they needed.
2. You apparently have a very caring and observant boss: he noticed you were in distress and gave you permission to leave. I'd love that kind of support from the people I work with. They barely notice if someone is gone for three days.
3. You have a good relationship with the children you care for. Their love and concern is clearly real, and it's a gift that they share that with you.

From what I read, PTSDr's (definitely for me) have a really hard time seeing value in themselves and accepting that someone else can care. Try to just let them care and allow yourself to accept it.

I know what you mean about "normal things," but give yourself some time. You may well be able to do those things again. Sleep always helps me. Once I can sleep on things and gain perspective, everything usually looks a little brighter.

Hugs

 

[anni]

Hi Ga5bby,

I see you've had pretty much the loveliest answer from Still Trying, so there's not an awful lot left to say.

You sound like a perfectly charming person whom your employers absolutely value as such. As Still Trying already said, we really do have the tendency to be awfully tough on ourselves. It's easier said than done but possibly if you hear it from a few other people with PTSD you'll be able to give yourself a break with this. Besides the fact that someone in my life has that name ( so had to click on your post!) I did just wish to reply, and say 'ditto', in case this would be at all helpful.

Do take care, and be as kind to yourself as you so obviously seem to be to others. :)

Anni

 

[lonetree]

Hi Ga5bby,

I have to add that children have a way of seeing into the good people. I hope when you feel better you can trust the love those children have for you. Your worth it.