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Depression/Anxiety Not This Bad in Decades

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I have not been this depressed for decades. I mean, seriously. Since the 80s. Then, i lost my job and spent every day for months sitting in a bean bag chair in my living room in front of the TV. And now it’s coupled with anxiety. Getting to the point where, except for work (which I do at home at my own pace mostly), I’m afraid I won’t be able to function. Of course, since I'm able to work and dress and speak coherently when I have to, my depression apparently doesn't matter. Being inside is better than being outside--going out makes me super anxious. I used to go out and walk around the lake, then they cut down nearly all the trees and wildflowers, and it just makes the depression worse now. I cry every time I go out there now. I don't want to go visit anyone or do any volunteer work or even just drive around or visit other green spaces.
 
Treatments have changed massively for depression in the time I’ve been in therapy. TMS and ketamine are things that I would definitely try the next time I get stuck in a serious episode, and they were still pretty novel when I was starting treatment.

I don’t recall what you’ve tried, or not, but things to consider maybe? If I remember right, you’re also not currently using medication - is there a reason for that? I definitely wish there’d been the genetic testing for psychotropics available about a decade earlier, because that could have pointed me in the right direction a lot sooner, without anything like the headache of drug trials I went through for years.

To be honest? I don’t even regret trying ECT. It’s very different now than it was when my sister was getting it (about 20 years ago), and for some folks it really is the silver bullet. Given how straight forward TMS is, I’d probably try that first, but that comes down to convenience.

And I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. But having been in the depression trench myself, I did used to find it a tiny bit helpful when peers, rather than doctors, reminded me that some of these thing’s do actually work, even for treatment refractory depression.

Really just trying to offer a glimmer of hope, or maybe even just “I hear you, but don’t quit on yourself now”.
 
Thanks, @Sideways.

TMS and ketamine are things that I would definitely try the next time I get stuck in a serious episode, and they were still pretty novel when I was starting treatment.
I don't have the time or money for either. I might consider TMS if I did, but...
you’re also not currently using medication - is there a reason for that?
There are lots of reasons. But primarily--I've been on/tried everything available except the most current ones, and none helped. Oh, except one, at doses 4x the "normal." And the side effects rendered me non-functional, so... I actually checked with my insurance about the new ones, and they won't cover them unless I am on a trial of at least two others. Others I was on and didn't work.

I honestly can't afford the visits required for med maintenance, though, either. Or the attempts to find someone I can work with.
I don’t even regret trying ECT.
I have epilepsy, so I would never do anything that intentionally causes a seizure. I was a psych nurse, and I saw ECT work, not work, and completely destroy people. Everything is a crap shoot, and I spent the last nearly 5 decades trying stuff--I don't have the patience for that anymore.
 
Hi I wanted to say I sympathize. Those of us who have been here long haul particularly. I’m going back into therapy or I’ve made the correct contacts and something will happen . If I do or not we will see. I’m sick of it too but there are things that work enough to keep me going. Mostly having someone to talk with on the “therapy” level which is not a normal or average conversation. This is going to be a lot of work for me and trying to establish trust on that level is daunting like lots of things these days my age not the least or my medical condition. I spend a lot of time on positive thinking or rather not negative thinking idk if there’s a difference but I can do it . Not always but it works and when it doesn’t I have to be patient which I’m not good at. I really sincerely hope you feel better .
 
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