Did you ever get labelled by your abusers?

[Changing4Best]

All throughout my younger childhood, my father made me feel undeserving of love and called me a lot of names like "stupid" "Boob-tube-nose" and "lazy." He would say things like, "Oh, poor little Sheila, she is too weak to help rake the leaves." Then he'd make me stay outside in the cold and rake them anyway, until I cried so hard that my mother rescued me and made him let me go inside to warm up. I was maybe 6 yrs old at this time. Even so, he accused me of just being lazy and making up that I was too cold to stay outside and rake.

He was emotionally abusive mostly until I was in my teens. He did, however, hit me a few times in the face, when he got really mad at me for something, like siding with my mother once, when he and she were having an argument.

Anyway, at this time I am dealing with, and have dealt with all my life, whether or not I am actually "lazy." I know sometimes I feel too depressed to do things like housework. I also hate housework. I'm not sure when I procrastinate about doing housework, if I am being the victim of his taunts or if I am actually being "lazy."

All I know is that when first we were made to do housework as children, it felt like a punishment for my having fallen out of a tree and broken my arm. In response to that, my parents decided that we needed something to keep us busy and out of "trouble." So they came up with a bunch of chores for us to do.

I hated that. It made me mad. Instead of going outside and playing and having fun, I had to stay in, do the dishes, empty the waste baskets and so on. These days, when I do face doing housework, it feels like punishment, just like it did back then. So I procrastinate. Then I feel like I am being "lazy." I am reminded of all the times he called me that. And I feel undeserving, and awful. However, that does nothing to make me feel like doing housework. NOTHING makes me feel like doing housework!

Did you ever get labelled by your abusers? Does that affect how you deal with life today? What, if anything, have you found that is helpful in overcoming these labels? I need some kind of help here. I am not even sure what! I am just at the end of my rope. My house is a mess, and we will have a building inspection sometime not too long from now, and I just cannot make myself feel up to doing housework.

I have been depressed lately, so I know this is part of it too.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Because you are a Christian, I want to bring up the story of Mary and Martha. Martha types do all the work, never stop, never asked. Mary types are more spiritual. Jesus actually loved the sisters Martha and Mary equally. Martha was jealous or angry that Mary didn't do as much, but Jesus said that Mary's heart was 100 percent focused on God and that that was a good thing. This is how I see you. Abuse aside, we all have our thing and natural enjoyments and hatred of chores. For example, I love vacuuming but HATE ironing. I can fix a broken dishwasher or washing machine, but can't kill a bug or clean floors. Labels are mean, but all parents do them. We shouldn't, but do. I used to tell my youngest that I thought she was too little and weak to carry such a big basket of clothes upstairs. She immediately got it up there to prove me wrong. Mission accomplished. But... what you describe is excessive and inappropriate chores for the age you were at the time and no parent should ever hit a child or make them shiver in the cold. I am sorry you went through that. Whether it affected your ability to do housework or if housework just isn't you is only something you can answer, but either way you will get the same result, not doing housework. If you are comfortable in a messy house, what does it matter? You are an adult. Just make sure you are safe (throw away trash, clean enough to avoid germs and allergies). Also, try to replace those mean intrusive thoughts with something like "I am a Mary, not a Martha... God is cool with that.

 

[Supervixn]

Good analogy TexCat!

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, I needed that. I was, just by writing this, able to start to do some vacuuming. It was not long after I started (I had done 2 rooms) that my back started to hurt, so God reminded me that I did not have to do the whole job all at once, to take a break, and finish it when I felt up to it. In the meantime, I can enjoy being online, something I have loved to do since the day I got my first computer. In fact, it was my mom and dad who gave it to me, along with a subscription to an online service. Being in touch with folks from all around the world, including some relatives in Europe, (Lithuania) is so wonderful!

Back to the labels and mistreatment though, you are right, making a 6 year old rake leaves really is asking too much. I agree. Sometimes a parent just does not know any better. I forgive my dad and I do love him. He had an abusive father and a very loving mother, but she was unable to protect him from all the physical abuse he got, since she was getting even more of it than he and his brother were! So, he had no good role model to follow on how to be a good dad. He did the best he could, I guess. When I was in high school, he and I had a good relationship then. He seemed to be able to relate to me as sort of an adult then, and so no longer called me names or bullied me.

Later, when he was in a nursing home, it was ME who called him every day, and it was ME who went to visit him as often as I could. (and I lived 600 miles away). I even talked with him within a day of his death, if not on the day of his death. I know I called him a lot anyway, when he was dying.

I took the trouble to even find out how he died. I got a nurse to tell me the exact details, and I found that the story really comforted me. He had been giggling with the nurses who were giving him a bath. After his bath, he bowed his head and went to sleep, something he often did. Then he was gone. He was 88 at the time. Somehow, knowing that he was giggling shortly before he died made me happy for him. I know he died at peace and happy.

@TexCat