Hi everyone. I'm here because I've quite literally not been able to talk to anyone about this, and I'm hoping someone might have some tips on learning to cope since I'm really coming up short in that department. Honestly I feel pretty ridiculous not being able to get over this - especially after reading the incredible real traumas people here have survived with more strength than I've been able to muster - yet here I am, a 28 year old man, unable to get over attempted assaults while others have grown past real assaults. Nonetheless, every time I so much as remember this lunatic, my chest becomes paralysed, I can't breathe, my eyes tear up and the anxiety is overwhelming....
I've been pretty physically feeble/debilitated since I was 16, suffering some kind of severe myofascial pain syndrome, and feeling chronically insecure being unable to physically defend myself. About 6 months ago - while feeling very upset and unable to sleep about this very issue - I took my dog for a walk at 3:00 in the morning to walk it off. As I walked her past a guy's house 2 blocks away from my own, the guy living there was screaming something at me about walking my dog off a leash. I decided it was safest to just ignore him and keep walking, but about a block away later, he comes screeching up in his car screaming at me "put your f**king dog on a leash!" and so forth. I tried to be diplomatic, but he just kept screaming at me for it like a lunatic, so finally I said "Jesus Christ man, lay off the blow" and walked away. This set him off and he jumped out of his car with a 12-inch Bayonet (big knife you attach to the end of a rifle), screaming at me like a lunatic, then accusing me of "stabbing his trailer". I tried to reason with him but he just kept alternating between "put your f**king dog on a leash" and "I know it was you, I'm gonna F**king kill you!" He came at me with the knife, and I was nearly paralysed with fear realizing that physically I wasn't capable of either fighting back or running away. Basically though, through some complex negotiation and physical evasion, I managed to escape.
On 2 more occasions this guy saw me walking at night - literally months apart - and chased after me with his car. The last time I semi-ran and hid in some bushes, he got out of his car with his huge knife, screaming and swearing with anger/frustration that he couldn't find me. He was absolutely, inconsolably furious that he couldn't get me; screaming into the air "I'm gonna f**kin' kill you!"
Living with Aspergers (high-functioning Autism) and the accompanying social-ineptitude, I've spent my entire life under threat - always feeling like a helpless victim - yet with an uncanny inborn ability to physically evade attackers. Despite every year of school with kids trying to beat me up, my dad coming at me or my brother with a baseball bat several times, and 3 occasions of this lunatic actually trying to kill me with a knife.... I've never been successfully assaulted; my one exceptional physical skill being physical evasion.
You'd think I'd feel secure because of this, but I'm still overcome with constant fear over my physical vulnerability. I hadn't even realized the reason 'till recently, but ever since that nutjob attacked me I've been obsessively studying military special forces training techniques, applying them to my own training regiment as much as possible, consumed with the desire to be more and more physical capable, yet always burdened with my physical disability and the knowledge that taking a 25 minute walk is my sad standard of a marathon run. I instinctively avoid any degree of conflict with people now for fear that I can't physically defend myself if it came to that, and I still get frequent anxiety-attacks if my mental defences slip enough to let that memory leak through.
I'm sick to death of feeling weak, pathetic, afraid and utterly vulnerable/helpless. I'm sick of being afraid to walk outside alone at night; always carrying a weapon and being hyper-alert of my surroundings. I'm sick of feeling like a victim. How does one move past it?
I've been pretty physically feeble/debilitated since I was 16, suffering some kind of severe myofascial pain syndrome, and feeling chronically insecure being unable to physically defend myself. About 6 months ago - while feeling very upset and unable to sleep about this very issue - I took my dog for a walk at 3:00 in the morning to walk it off. As I walked her past a guy's house 2 blocks away from my own, the guy living there was screaming something at me about walking my dog off a leash. I decided it was safest to just ignore him and keep walking, but about a block away later, he comes screeching up in his car screaming at me "put your f**king dog on a leash!" and so forth. I tried to be diplomatic, but he just kept screaming at me for it like a lunatic, so finally I said "Jesus Christ man, lay off the blow" and walked away. This set him off and he jumped out of his car with a 12-inch Bayonet (big knife you attach to the end of a rifle), screaming at me like a lunatic, then accusing me of "stabbing his trailer". I tried to reason with him but he just kept alternating between "put your f**king dog on a leash" and "I know it was you, I'm gonna F**king kill you!" He came at me with the knife, and I was nearly paralysed with fear realizing that physically I wasn't capable of either fighting back or running away. Basically though, through some complex negotiation and physical evasion, I managed to escape.
On 2 more occasions this guy saw me walking at night - literally months apart - and chased after me with his car. The last time I semi-ran and hid in some bushes, he got out of his car with his huge knife, screaming and swearing with anger/frustration that he couldn't find me. He was absolutely, inconsolably furious that he couldn't get me; screaming into the air "I'm gonna f**kin' kill you!"
Living with Aspergers (high-functioning Autism) and the accompanying social-ineptitude, I've spent my entire life under threat - always feeling like a helpless victim - yet with an uncanny inborn ability to physically evade attackers. Despite every year of school with kids trying to beat me up, my dad coming at me or my brother with a baseball bat several times, and 3 occasions of this lunatic actually trying to kill me with a knife.... I've never been successfully assaulted; my one exceptional physical skill being physical evasion.
You'd think I'd feel secure because of this, but I'm still overcome with constant fear over my physical vulnerability. I hadn't even realized the reason 'till recently, but ever since that nutjob attacked me I've been obsessively studying military special forces training techniques, applying them to my own training regiment as much as possible, consumed with the desire to be more and more physical capable, yet always burdened with my physical disability and the knowledge that taking a 25 minute walk is my sad standard of a marathon run. I instinctively avoid any degree of conflict with people now for fear that I can't physically defend myself if it came to that, and I still get frequent anxiety-attacks if my mental defences slip enough to let that memory leak through.
I'm sick to death of feeling weak, pathetic, afraid and utterly vulnerable/helpless. I'm sick of being afraid to walk outside alone at night; always carrying a weapon and being hyper-alert of my surroundings. I'm sick of feeling like a victim. How does one move past it?
