Disappointed By Family Again

[Bird33]

I was wondering what others have done when they are disappointed by family members. When I first told my family about the sexual abuse I was in high school and I ended up in the hospital so everything came out. I was set up with a therapist and then my family never spoke of it again. It is 25 years later and things have been coming up again. I have spoken with my family and now my parents have dropped off the face of the earth. My sister recently disclosed and they are avoiding her too. My mother actually said I have ruined our family and slapped me a few weeks ago but otherwise has stopped calling or coming by. I feel terrible and I am not sure what to do. My kids are now being affected because they won't even see them. Any ideas of what to do?

 

[Lucycat]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I guess my own experience is very different as I made the choice to cut off my family. I speak with my mother on the phone, maybe about once a month. I see her less than once a year. I have 2 brothers - one I have little contact with, the other phones more often, but even then I see him less often than each year. I have Uncles, Aunts and cousins that I exchange Christmas cards with but that is all. It is all a big mess.

However I don't any more feel that it is/was my fault. I will not go back to the area where I was abused - so people have to come to see me if they want to. I don't have any children myself, but my 2 nephews have started seeing my parents again after a break of a few years. They know the score and can make choices - they are 16 and 18 now and know exactly why their grandfather was in jail. I like that there are no secrets any more even though the consequences are pretty severe.

 

[AnnaLost]

I don't have any advice except this, don't blame yourself for your parents reactions. It is their choice to act the way they are and to withdraw from you and your children.

My mother, step father and sisters all cut off contact with me 10 years ago because I could not tolerate his alcoholism and abuse and said so. They don't speak to their 4 grandchildren and my children's aunts refuse to acknowledge any of us. That was their loss, stupidity and stubbornness.

And if the day comes when our children come to us with trauma and need help, we'll know what not to do. Hugs if you'll take them. Hang in there.

 

[Bird33]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I am just having a hard time feeling like it is not some of my fault. My question is how do you cut contact and not feel guilty. It was my grandfather and I know my mother was abused but acts like it was nothing and expects us to just move on like we are the perfect family when we are far from. I am a little angry because my mother knew what he did to her and she put us in the same position. I am afraid to see them and afraid not to see them if that makes sense.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I am so sorry that you had to deal with your moms abusive and blaming behavior. It's very sad that she would prefer to keep secrets and protect abusers rather than defend her child. It is NOT your fault, I know that is hard to see because your parents are making you feel like you did something wrong but they are the ones that are wrong. You mention your mother was abused by this person, sounds like she has unresolved trauma of her own. No person that has dealt with their abuse would treat their child the way she is treating you.

I can really relate to what you are saying. When my sexual abuse came out, my mom wanted to sweep it under the rug and later wanted to pretend it didn't even exist by inviting the abuser to family events even thought the abuser was not close to anyone in my family. She refused to stick up for me and made me feel like it was my fault in so many ways. Her behavior was truly disgusting to me and I couldn't have someone so toxic in my life, I had to cut her off for my own sanity. Cutting her off did not make the pain go away but it did allow me to speak my truth and protect myself, I would have absolutely crumbled without that.

Do you want your kids around someone that treats you this way and covers up abuse?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

All I can say is get used to it. Family can and will put you through the emotional wringer. Have contact with the positive relatives, and avoid the poisonous, dysfunctional ones as much as you can.

 

[AnnaLost]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I am just having a hard time feeling like it is not some of my fault....

To be blunt, you don't cut contact and not feel guilt. That is a kind of fictional lie, isn't it? The ideal tough person, unaffected but making the strong choice character?

Not real.

Ten years and I still think of them, worry and ruminate how I could have changed things. But I also know, when I'm in my sane moments, it was the better decision, healthier for me and my children. My mother and husband were toxic and almost killed me, almost destroyed everything I loved. I still think I should do something to take care of them, set aside a trust fund, whatever.

But if I had remained with them, I'd never have made the gains that I have. I'd never have had the friends I have or the understanding, and yes even compassion, Ive learned.

Feel guilt. It's ok. We all do. Just Don't let it consume you or what you know is healthy for you.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I don't have as much guilt as most people for severing contact with a relative. If anyone betrays me too many times, I will burn that bridge, and then dynamite the remaining ashes. But, that is simply my perspective. I don't encourage you to leave family behind, bird, unless you just have no other choice.

 

[Bird33]

@TeaLeaf I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience. I find it difficult and feel that my parents don't care. If this was my daughter I would be checking in with her every day and doing anything I could to help. It is frustrating because I told her that I was upset that nobody talked about it and here we are again completely ignoring it.
I don't want my kids around someone like this but I guess there is still the feeling that I did something wrong or that I broke up the family. Something that I have to deal with.
@Whispering_Truth I think you have a healthy viewpoint and hope to get there. I am in the process of figuring out if I want contact and if so how much.
@AnnaLost i am sorry you had to deal with your mother and husband and I am sorry you still struggle at times. Yes I guess we just have to feel the guilt but how do you then keep your conviction and not act on it?

 

[AnnaLost]

@TeaLeaf I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience. I find it difficult and...

To clarify, it was my mother and her husband that nearly killed me. I realized the way I wrote it, it sounded like MY husband. Oops. :O_o:

Truthfully, it can be very hard not to act on it. Especially around holidays or anniversaries of certain events. I feel very left out sometimes (even tho I know I'm the one who chose to not be in contact). For ex. two of my sister's had babies in the last year. I found out from my oldest daughter, who is still in contact. I thought I should knit something and send little gifts, you know? Maybe try and heal the rift through these new family members. Then I realized, I hadn't even known my sisters were expecting, much less had the babies. Then I got a Xmas card and letter from my mother, talking about how wonderful her three daughters were doing. Guess what? I'm the oldest, of four daughters she had.

That reminded me why I chose to not be in contact. I have no ill will toward them (mostly), but their actions were abusive, dangerous and toxic. It helped strengthen my backbone, but even now I'm sad that I have nieces and nephews who won't even know who I am.